Messaging a particular woman. OK or not?

Secondchoiceornot · 2024-09-07T22:58:18+00:00

My (45f) partner (49M) and I have been together about a year. Let's call him Simon. Simon has kids with his ex. I don't have children but have taken his on when I moved in with him. Before me, Simon was with his ex, let's call her Tammy. She left him and the kids after announcing that she had fallen for a work colleague and moved away. Her affair partner (let's call him Jeff) had a partner (Katy). Simon contacted Katy and they were in regular contact as support for each other. They called a lot on the phone and went out for drinks. Simon asked Katy if she would be his girlfriend and she refused, saying it was too soon. They remained friends tho. A bit later, Simon asked again and Katy said she didn't feel the same way. He then joined a dating app where he met me. We got on well and we got together. When Simon and I became official, Katy was happy for us. I have never met Katy and Simon hasn't met up with her or called her on the phone since. Katy has since reconciled with her partner. Roll on a year and my partner still messages her sometimes. Not regularly, and less often as time goes by but they do sometimes message. Maybe once every few months. He asks how she is and she asks how we are. He always says we are good. General chit chat about kids and holidays, etc. The problem is, I don't like it. In my mind, he wanted her at one point. And if it wasn't for her refusal, he wouldn't have been with me. Also, because he wanted her and essentially took her out with the idea of dating her and messaged and called her all day each day when they first became friends and for months afterwards, he had a major connection with her. This makes me feel like she is a bit like an ex. And lots of people don't like their partner still being on contact with their ex. He doesn't talk about her and I don't think he knows that I know that they still message. Am I being unreasonable by thinking it isn't right to still be communicating with her?

Angeldelight50 · 08/09/2024 00:27

I’m not sure that Katy is comparable to an ex. Their ‘relationship’ was likely a fleeting bond of two scorned people rather than any genuine connection.

The secrecy is what would bother me, why wouldn’t he tell you that he chats to her? And presumably you found this information by reading his messages which indicates a lack of trust.

Is it always Simon who instigates the conversation? I’d probably ask him if he ever hears from Katy and see how he responds. If he’s honest, go from there and let him know it makes you uncomfortable. If he lies, you have bigger problems here.

Mrsttcno1 · 08/09/2024 06:45

I don’t think it’s fair to call her an ex, it’s more of a trauma bond type situation really.

If you trust him, I would try to just let this go.

If you don’t trust him then you’ve got bigger issues than this girl and best to just save you both the hassle and walk away.

Original poster

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 09:32

Thank you for the responses. He tends to message an hello and how are you every few months. Its not necessarily secretive, he messages other people too while at work on his break. And doesn't offer this information more than keep it secret.

Early on he would say I've heard from Katy and she is buying a house, etc but now he dies mention it. Maybe doesn't feel it ms important. I will drop her into conversation and see what he says.

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violetto · 08/09/2024 09:52

How do you know they are messaging?? Did you look at his phone?

gannett · 08/09/2024 10:05

How do you know he asked Katy out twice? I can't imagine why he or she would have told you that unprompted.

I think getting territorial because "he wanted her at one point" is a bit unreasonable. It's not uncommon to think "maybe this could work romantically" about an attractive friend, especially if you have something larger bringing you together (the trauma bond as a PP said). That doesn't mean that the feeling persists or that he's still enamoured of her. She shut it down, they moved on, their communication is platonic.

And while "some people" may want to stop their partners being friends with exes, those people are controlling and unreasonable.

Which is the crux of the matter really. You don't have to be happy with anything but you don't get to control who he's friends with and who he messages on a platonic basis. Particularly as they went through an awful time together. If you can't stand it you have to walk away, not ringfence another adult's friends.

gannett · 08/09/2024 10:05

How do you know he asked Katy out twice? I can't imagine why he or she would have told you that unprompted.

I think getting territorial because "he wanted her at one point" is a bit unreasonable. It's not uncommon to think "maybe this could work romantically" about an attractive friend, especially if you have something larger bringing you together (the trauma bond as a PP said). That doesn't mean that the feeling persists or that he's still enamoured of her. She shut it down, they moved on, their communication is platonic.

And while "some people" may want to stop their partners being friends with exes, those people are controlling and unreasonable.

Which is the crux of the matter really. You don't have to be happy with anything but you don't get to control who he's friends with and who he messages on a platonic basis. Particularly as they went through an awful time together. If you can't stand it you have to walk away, not ringfence another adult's friends.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/09/2024 10:07

If you're reading his messages in secret I think that's a pretty bad sign, is that something you'd normally do in a relationship or do you feel particularly uncomfortable with him for some reason? I'm not being judgy by the way, genuine question.

CurlewKate · 08/09/2024 10:10

Do you check his phone? Because if you do you have two choices. Accept that you don't trust him and break up. Or accept that you do trust him and stop checking his phone.

free79 · 08/09/2024 10:11

I don't care about reading messages in secret I think it's fair game. Reading a diary is one thing but texts to someone is fine to me.

Anyways, I wouldn't be happy with this and would break up because he hasn't truly moved on from her or if he is the sort that stays 'friends' with exes, that doesn't work for me either. I can only understand staying in regular contact with an ex if you have children together.
So I would break up with Simon. Katy is also a mug for taking her cheating ex back. It sounds like if Katy beckons Simon he would jump at the chance to leave you for her and I wouldn't want to be someone's conciliation prize. I am all for compromising and staying for practical reasons but when he is 'just' a partner of one year, with no children and I assume if you'd been sensible life isn't enmeshed yet.. I just would not accept coming into this scene, it's just too messy.

DixonD · 08/09/2024 10:13

free79 · 08/09/2024 10:11

I don't care about reading messages in secret I think it's fair game. Reading a diary is one thing but texts to someone is fine to me.

Anyways, I wouldn't be happy with this and would break up because he hasn't truly moved on from her or if he is the sort that stays 'friends' with exes, that doesn't work for me either. I can only understand staying in regular contact with an ex if you have children together.
So I would break up with Simon. Katy is also a mug for taking her cheating ex back. It sounds like if Katy beckons Simon he would jump at the chance to leave you for her and I wouldn't want to be someone's conciliation prize. I am all for compromising and staying for practical reasons but when he is 'just' a partner of one year, with no children and I assume if you'd been sensible life isn't enmeshed yet.. I just would not accept coming into this scene, it's just too messy.

It’s really not “fair game”. Text messages are private between those individuals.

free79 · 08/09/2024 10:15

@DixonD No I don't think so. This false obsession with 'privacy' serves cheaters only, if all your communications are above board you've nothing to be secretive about with your own partner. If you confide a secret to your friend who is married or has a serious partner you should expect that your secret will also be known to their other half.

TheSmallAssassin · 08/09/2024 10:17

I don't agree with people telling their partners who they can and can't message.

You could tell him how him messaging her makes you feel, and explore together whether if is reasonable for you to feel that way (I think you are over reacting) and what you can do together to help you feel better (which might be you reframing it in your head, rather than him never messaging, or him reassuring you in other ways)

PearlMonster · 08/09/2024 10:19

What @gannett said. And the territorial thing is a bit silly. We’re all only with our partners because we/they aren’t with other people. You’re only with Simon because Tammy dumped him for someone else, after all! Otherwise he’d presumably still be married to her…

As an aside, this all sounds rather rapid — you and Simon have been together ‘about a year’, are already living together and you ‘took on’ his children when you moved in. Why the rush?

Bakingandcrying · 08/09/2024 10:31

free79 · 08/09/2024 10:15

@DixonD No I don't think so. This false obsession with 'privacy' serves cheaters only, if all your communications are above board you've nothing to be secretive about with your own partner. If you confide a secret to your friend who is married or has a serious partner you should expect that your secret will also be known to their other half.

What are you on about?! I’ve never cheated on my partner but no way can he snoop through my conversations. Fuck being your friend, if I confided in someone just to find out it was “fair game” for their partner to read it, the friendship would be over

Babbahabba · 08/09/2024 10:39

I wouldn't be happy with it but I also think your relationship is very rushed. A year and you're living together and treating your kids as his own? Did you both push the relationship so fast or was it was it one of you?

Original poster

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 10:53

violetto · 08/09/2024 09:52

How do you know they are messaging?? Did you look at his phone?

Yes, I'm not against a little peek now and then. I appreciate he has not given me reason to but I'm too curious as a person

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Original poster

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 11:00

PearlMonster · 08/09/2024 10:19

What @gannett said. And the territorial thing is a bit silly. We’re all only with our partners because we/they aren’t with other people. You’re only with Simon because Tammy dumped him for someone else, after all! Otherwise he’d presumably still be married to her…

As an aside, this all sounds rather rapid — you and Simon have been together ‘about a year’, are already living together and you ‘took on’ his children when you moved in. Why the rush?

We did get together quickly. He wasn't used to be single, hence probably why he was eager to move onto Katy quickly. Both of us were in long terms before and so we happy to move forward quickly. Tammy didn't like it and said he moved on to quick. But he reminded her she moved on whilst in the relationship with him.

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DixonD · 08/09/2024 11:03

free79 · 08/09/2024 10:15

@DixonD No I don't think so. This false obsession with 'privacy' serves cheaters only, if all your communications are above board you've nothing to be secretive about with your own partner. If you confide a secret to your friend who is married or has a serious partner you should expect that your secret will also be known to their other half.

Your partner doesn’t need or have a right to know the ins and outs of all conversations you have with others.

If that suits you, and your partner, that’s ok. I’ve never looked at my husband’s phone, it would feel like a huge invasion of privacy. If people are going to cheat, they’ll do it anyway. No amount of surveillance will stop that - and if someone is cheating, it doesn’t look good long term anyway.

DixonD · 08/09/2024 11:04

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 10:53

Yes, I'm not against a little peek now and then. I appreciate he has not given me reason to but I'm too curious as a person

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He might be against “a little peek now and then” though. He probably won’t be happy you’ve done this, and he hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

Original poster

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 11:05

gannett · 08/09/2024 10:05

How do you know he asked Katy out twice? I can't imagine why he or she would have told you that unprompted.

I think getting territorial because "he wanted her at one point" is a bit unreasonable. It's not uncommon to think "maybe this could work romantically" about an attractive friend, especially if you have something larger bringing you together (the trauma bond as a PP said). That doesn't mean that the feeling persists or that he's still enamoured of her. She shut it down, they moved on, their communication is platonic.

And while "some people" may want to stop their partners being friends with exes, those people are controlling and unreasonable.

Which is the crux of the matter really. You don't have to be happy with anything but you don't get to control who he's friends with and who he messages on a platonic basis. Particularly as they went through an awful time together. If you can't stand it you have to walk away, not ringfence another adult's friends.

I saw the original messages where he asked her. When she refused he asked if they could be friends and she said yes.

He instigates them except on his birthday when she will. There are only a few, no major in depth chat.

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Shoesshoes87 · 08/09/2024 11:09

My DH is still vaguely friend with some exes as I am. The occasional how are you chat and haring how good life is etc. If he’s telling her that life is good with you then you have nothing to worry about.

is there a reason why you don’t trust him? X

PearlMonster · 08/09/2024 11:09

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 11:00

We did get together quickly. He wasn't used to be single, hence probably why he was eager to move onto Katy quickly. Both of us were in long terms before and so we happy to move forward quickly. Tammy didn't like it and said he moved on to quick. But he reminded her she moved on whilst in the relationship with him.

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But none of that is relevant to whether your relationship is actually working or not. Moving in together very quickly, when one or both of you are just out of longterm relationships and aren’t used to being single, may explain why it happened so fast, but not mean that the problems often associated with not being ready to date, or rebound relationships, aren’t there.

Your own feelings are a classic instance. You’re struggling to deal with Simon’s past, and the fact that he’s your partner now because two other women left him or turned him down.

Is the Katy situation really so different to the Tammy one? He wanted them both at different points. One was married to him until she left him for someone else, the other turned him down twice. He’s in contact with both, because of the children, or via occasional texts.

Original poster

Secondchoiceornot · 08/09/2024 11:10

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 08/09/2024 10:07

If you're reading his messages in secret I think that's a pretty bad sign, is that something you'd normally do in a relationship or do you feel particularly uncomfortable with him for some reason? I'm not being judgy by the way, genuine question.

I tend to be nosey. If he is telling me about a conversation he has had with someone over text he sometimes says here read what they put. For instance, if its his ex that he has the kids with (they are going through a messy divorce). I them have a look at others out of curiosity. That's just who I am. Never been cheated on so no reason.

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CurlewKate · 08/09/2024 11:10

@DixonD "If you confide a secret to your friend who is married or has a serious partner you should expect that your secret will also be known to their other half."

Well, only if you confide in awful people....

PearlMonster · 08/09/2024 11:12

CurlewKate · 08/09/2024 11:10

@DixonD "If you confide a secret to your friend who is married or has a serious partner you should expect that your secret will also be known to their other half."

Well, only if you confide in awful people....

Yes, exactly. I wouldn’t dream of telling my DH of over 30 years private information about anyone else unless specifically told I could.