Messaging a particular woman. OK or not?

[Secondchoiceornot]

My (45f) partner (49M) and I have been together about a year. Let's call him Simon. Simon has kids with his ex. I don't have children but have taken his on when I moved in with him.

Before me, Simon was with his ex, let's call her Tammy. She left him and the kids after announcing that she had fallen for a work colleague and moved away. Her affair partner (let's call him Jeff) had a partner (Katy).

Simon contacted Katy and they were in regular contact as support for each other. They called a lot on the phone and went out for drinks. Simon asked Katy if she would be his girlfriend and she refused, saying it was too soon. They remained friends tho. A bit later, Simon asked again and Katy said she didn't feel the same way. He then joined a dating app where he met me.

We got on well and we got together. When Simon and I became official, Katy was happy for us. I have never met Katy and Simon hasn't met up with her or called her on the phone since. Katy has since reconciled with her partner.

Roll on a year and my partner still messages her sometimes. Not regularly, and less often as time goes by but they do sometimes message. Maybe once every few months. He asks how she is and she asks how we are. He always says we are good. General chit chat about kids and holidays, etc.

The problem is, I don't like it. In my mind, he wanted her at one point. And if it wasn't for her refusal, he wouldn't have been with me. Also, because he wanted her and essentially took her out with the idea of dating her and messaged and called her all day each day when they first became friends and for months afterwards, he had a major connection with her. This makes me feel like she is a bit like an ex. And lots of people don't like their partner still being on contact with their ex.

He doesn't talk about her and I don't think he knows that I know that they still message. Am I being unreasonable by thinking it isn't right to still be communicating with her?

Both. We both prefer company.

This is so rude! I would not be happy with my partner snooping through my messages. It's none of their business! Being nosey is not an attractive trait.

I think that you covertly reading his messages is an invasion of his privacy. Being his partner doesn't give you the right to know everything in his private conversations with others. You are obviously feeling insecure in the relationship if you are worrying about a woman that he didn't even date and their messages are those of a casual friendship.

This reads like one of those made up Reddit story times.

Katy isn't an ex. And you both have majorly rushed things. Those poor kids having their home ripped apart and now having another woman 'take them on' all in the space of a year. All of you sound irresponsible.

I mean I wouldn’t be reading his messages it’s not healthy. However I personally don’t get the dabbling he and Katy are doing in each others lives or people who feel the need to.

Katy has made it very clear she doesn't want him. It sounds like your partner still carries a torch for her though. Whether he messages her or not that probably won't change.

It doesn't sound like he is over the whole situation. It was very recent and I think potentially the interest in Katy stems from being unable to step away from the whole scenario yet. It wouldn't be surprising, cheating leaves deep scars.

If you and Simon have discussed and consented to reading each other’s private messages then that is fair game, but it doesn’t sound like that is what is happening here. It sounds like you have been reading through his private messages from the beginning of your relationship under the guise of ‘being a curious person’.

I am starting to think perhaps you are the one who is BU here..

You sound possessive in all your posts here. There is no reason at all either to scroll through a partner's messages to others or to choose their friends.

You sound awful, OP. You can't just invade your partner's privacy on a regular basis because "it's who you are".

You sound jealous and possessive and desperate for a man of your rush from one long-term relationship to another afraid to be single!

Then you are getting in the way of peoples relationships. Telling your partner something private is because you are one. It’s not the same as telling other people. This was in the context of married or partnered males. So if you’re confiding in married or partnered men, why shouldn’t they share everything with their partner? If you take issue with it, don’t confide in married men?

Not sure how but you’ve completely miss read my comment. If I were talking to my female best friend and she was happy for her partner to read our conversation I wouldn’t be happy and couldn’t be friends with her

It's controlling and abusive to not allow a partner to have any privacy, and reeks of your own trust issues. And if you're going through their phone and checking their private conversations behind their back, then that's a form of cheating in itself.

This isn't OK. You don't get to handwave snooping away with this kind of "what am I like eh" shrug. It's awful behaviour and you're obviously the problem here.

And given how many of his private messages you seem to have read going back over a long period of time it's obviously not just "a little peek now and then" is it.

You've been together less a year, moved in, wedged yourself into his family by "taking on" his children who you barely know, and you don't trust him so you're checking his messages.

I think Simon should run for the hills.

It's a violation. Plain and simple.

Dabbling? What do you mean?

I casually asked him today about his conversations with other people. He was very open and honest about his messages to Katy and other people.he spoke like he was answering about conversations with his mum. He has always been very laid back. He told me all I already know, no nervousness or lies.

When I enquired further (playing it cool) about how often, what was said he did his usual thing of offering his phone to speed up. Clearly nothing for me to worry about. I jokingly asked if I had anything to worry about and he said no. He even said he would hate for me to feel uncomfortable and would happily never speak to her again.

Seeing that and the responses on here I understand that I have been wrong here. I was always a bit jealous of her. So was his ex. I read a lot kn here about what is and isn't acceptable with message people of the opposite sex and got caught up in it all. I am looking at my own behaviour. Thank you for all the responses.

Can't see the problem here - they occasionally keep in contact after a fraught situation and I'm sure you were interested in other people before you met him

It's possible that the reason for his occasional checking in with Katy is the vague hope that they will have split up. It's not because he wants to get with Katy (as she's already rejected him, he knows there's no chance of that), but he's a bit jealous of Jeff - a) because Jeff was the OM that destroyed his marriage and b) because Jeff appears to have got away with his poor behaviour by not losing his wife over it.

So for Simon to one day hear that their marriage has fallen apart might give him a little satisfaction and aid the healing process. Straw poll suggests it's probably about 50/50 whether the attempt to reconcile actually lasts long term.

I agree that this is a strong possibility. And it probably pisses off the husband too that she occasionally hears from the guy whose wife he was shagging

Well if Katy has got back with her partner, no wonder his ex was jealous, as doesn't that mean she's left your partner and her DC's for nothing? His ex is probably jealous of you too.
Very understanding your chap, probably as he's been through a lot. Your privacy invasion is poor behaviour and to flippantly say " that's just who I am, no reason" shows you don't care about privacy. A phone is the modern day equivalent of a diary, neither of which should be snooped on without good cause. I suggest you break the habit, as you now know there is nothing to it.

I mean the need to keep popping in with the “hey how are you” etc etc.
If they’ve had a somewhat romantic connection previously then they should just leave it be.