Narcissist partner

[Weddingbells6]

Anyone else have to deal with one? Jeez they’re so infuriating. I’m not looking for advice, I’m working on getting rid already but fml they’re pathetic.

He orders the Chinese takeaway, he chooses two dishes, I choose 1 and he forgets to order it the way I like it (don’t bother saying it’s a simple mistake because I don’t make the mistake when I order for him, in fact I triple check I have his order correct and he just is a joke of a person that cba to put the work in to ensure my needs are met even when I’m paying and going to the door). So obviously it arrives wrong because he ordered it wrong. I don’t like it at all the way it comes but I say it doesn’t matter and proceeed to eat some because, well, I’m an adult that can eat things I’m not keen on in order not to waste money. But OMG he goes on and on and on about how sorry he is that he ordered it wrong. Calling himself an idiot etc, looking for me to reassure him over and over like I’m being punished twice, I’ve got to pay for something I don’t like and then reassure a moron that it doesn’t matter when it actually does. If you’ve never had a narc in your life you won’t understand and will probably have sympathy for him - don’t bother, he’s a textbook narc, this is what they do. Over and over.

Rant over but would love to hear what other’s narcs have done today to wind them up because I know lots of people in your life just won’t get it but I will 😂

He doesn't remotely sound like a narcissist, he just sounds a bit thick.

Oh god I knew someone would say this. You’ll
just have to take my word for it that he is. He is like a checklist - I promise.
self absorbed, needy, helps people in public so as to look heroic but leaves his partner and children in the lurch, victim mentality, I could go on but I won’t.

Is he diagnosed?

You sound like the narc @Weddingbells6

Or this is a reverse.

My ex is a narcissist and I have to say he doesn’t sound like one

This term is so over used.

You may be right, but not in the example you gave.
He's just lazy and doesn't give a shit.

I recognise what you’re saying about covert narcissists who punish you twice, first by “making mistakes” on very simple tasks that only have a negative outcome for you, and then secondly by acting agonised and apologetic because they’ve “fucked up again”, even when you’ve just let it go.

It’s a form of passive-aggression, the ultimate goal of which is to make you out as some kind of controlling taskmaster with ridiculous standards while they are the well-intentioned unfortunate who can just “never get it right” or “live up to your expectations”.

My ex is like this. I almost never ask him to do anything for the kids because it always turns into a drama and it’s easier to do it myself. Recently I was trying to purchase an item for our son (one from a list of recommended options) and the only place that had them in stock was much closer to him than to me.

Despite the fact that I’d already gone through the list of recommendations and worked out that only one item was available and practical for us (and texted him about this), he left it to the last minute to buy the item (necessitating reminders), sent me a whole series of texts asking questions about which item he should buy that could have been answered by the reading the messages I’d already sent him, and ended up buying several other related but unasked for items that we didn’t need.

When I didn’t want to split the cost with him on these items he was put out as he was “just trying to be helpful” and said that if I didn’t like the way he did things, I should do them myself next time, which was obviously his desired outcome from the start. I had to stop myself from pointing out that yes, that’s what I already do 99 percent of the time, you deliberately incompetent fuck, but thank you for the reminder about why.

This sounds like my ex to a T

If he's a narcissist (and he doesn't sound like one), I wouldn't be laughing and joking about it, I'd be leaving him asap. You do not want to be in a real with a narcissist

Everyone is a narc now….apparently..

Weaponised incompetence

I don’t know why some women just won’t believe what other women say even when they spell it out, if you don’t believe me that’s he’s a narc, that’s fine just scroll along. I have watched hours and hours of interviews with psychologists and read books about narcissism and to have people say he doesn’t sound like one from one example I’ve given even though I specifically stated not to bother is astounding to me. And to the persons saying I wouldn’t want to be with one, I AM WITH ONE! And you should understand that one thread in a group isn’t indicative of a relationship with a narc. He gaslights me, invalidates me, financially and emotionally abuses me and makes me wish I were not even here. I just didn’t really fancy listing every single, cruel thing he has ever done and wanted someone (like the one woman brave enough to do that did - thank you) to just maybe give me a little anecdote of what theirs has done today to try and feel connected to someone. This is why women keep quiet about so many things in my opinion because we’re not believed, I shouldn’t have to type out our history in order for anyone to believe that and if you don’t believe it just move along. He is a textbook narc even if you don’t think it from this 1 incident.

Thank you, 100% agree and it often goes hand in hand with narcissism. I hear several times a day ‘you’re better at it.’ But in public ‘if you want a job doing right, ask a man.’ It’s all fake and all disgusting.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Think it’s a narc profusely apologising which confuses people. I didn’t have experience of what you described in fact the exact opposite, never sorry, never took accountability, always my fault even for his words actions I would of made him or got him that angry / upset. Strong victim mentality.

I’ve reached a point I don’t care if I’m believed, I know my truth, I know what I lived and I know his family think the sun shines out of his arse and I’m a toxic arsehole, he has started circulating I was the abuser

This .

The term narcissist is bandied around too easily these days

Thank you and I’m sorry you went through that. Mine always apologises and plays the victim in these situations but when he’s done something ‘bad’ he is defensive and it’s my fault but I agree people find it confusing. I’m glad some of them do find it confusing, it means they’ve never dealt with it and I wouldn’t want that for anyone.

Yea and maybe keep in mind that people who haven’t lived it would think he sounds a bit thick / simple. Don’t think oh no one believes me. The example given honestly doesn’t scream narcissistic. The thing I’m struggling with the most is how healthy and narcissistic can be identical and trying to know which is safe and which isn’t when my ability to make good calls is fucked, that’s a worry.

can I ask, you don’t seem to want to leave? Almost like you’ve accepted it?

Everyone is a narcissist or neurodivergent according to mumsnet.

He sounds like a twat and you need to work harder to get rid of him rather than moan about him.

I had hoped me saying that I know he is one might be enough for them to not bother but obviously not. I’m working on getting out x

Some narcissists are wonderful at paying lip service to an apology. They aren’t genuine. There are a few things in the OP’s post that align with vulnerable narcissism; looking for pity, victim mentality, just very annoying and hard to deal with. For me, Dr Ramani helped a lot. Regardless of terms, it’s the behaviour itself that causes problems.

Thank you, I watch Dr Ramani all the time. I absolutely knew some people in here would ‘see’ what I meant.

You’re welcome. Wishing you luck, keep us updated! I can empathise with how hard and isolating these experiences and relationships are.

Exact same behaviour from my ex too. Solidarity