Narcissist partner

[Weddingbells6]

Anyone else have to deal with one? Jeez they’re so infuriating. I’m not looking for advice, I’m working on getting rid already but fml they’re pathetic.

He orders the Chinese takeaway, he chooses two dishes, I choose 1 and he forgets to order it the way I like it (don’t bother saying it’s a simple mistake because I don’t make the mistake when I order for him, in fact I triple check I have his order correct and he just is a joke of a person that cba to put the work in to ensure my needs are met even when I’m paying and going to the door). So obviously it arrives wrong because he ordered it wrong. I don’t like it at all the way it comes but I say it doesn’t matter and proceeed to eat some because, well, I’m an adult that can eat things I’m not keen on in order not to waste money. But OMG he goes on and on and on about how sorry he is that he ordered it wrong. Calling himself an idiot etc, looking for me to reassure him over and over like I’m being punished twice, I’ve got to pay for something I don’t like and then reassure a moron that it doesn’t matter when it actually does. If you’ve never had a narc in your life you won’t understand and will probably have sympathy for him - don’t bother, he’s a textbook narc, this is what they do. Over and over.

Rant over but would love to hear what other’s narcs have done today to wind them up because I know lots of people in your life just won’t get it but I will 😂

I’ve never ever been in an abusive relationship before and before this, I’m ashamed to say I thought it only happened to meek mild weak women, it would never happen to me. Well that was a lesson and a half!

im not sure I’ll ever fully be ok. He left end of May and I’m still so angry and if I’m not angry I’m crying. I still have love for him and I’m just longing for the day I don’t. I start the freedom programme this week, finally, I asked for it when he left. I hope it helps. I also had a therapy session but I think I’ll try the programme first because therapy is bloody expensive 😩

I’m so sorry. I was being a little flippant when I wrote this post last night because I’ve been through it so many times. You end up with a trauma bond and it’s because you’ve been so up and down with them for so long that anything else seems so strange and boring even. I hope therapy works for you. I too thought that, it’s ironic because I’m quite loud, independent, outspoken etc but they latch onto people with empathy and that’s what I have lots of - although I’m harder than ever. I’m glad he left, I have found it difficult to get rid of mine - easy life, although he claims I’m abusive etc.

I’m not easily offended so don’t mind me!

yea it does go on for so long I used to literally laugh until I cried and say wtf you still here. I just seem to be drawn to broken people, I fix them and then they move on. This one is beyond fixing though. He didn’t leave I told him I want you gone by the end of May. He has persisted in “trying” with me yet was never available, always with friends family kids. I just said ok for an easy life but was busy everytime he asked to meet. He still trying now despite fucking off on a two week holiday and downloading tinder 2 days after moving out. I have made it clear I’m totally done. You didn’t value me and I am valuable so thank you and goodbye.

yea I was abusive too apparently and yes I have sometimes been reactively abusive but you know the difference between him and I? I own every thing I did / do, good bad and ugly. He will not talk about him and his shit, everytime it’s brought up he will attack me for something. I say the full truth in every scenario, he doesn’t. He will not accept he is abusive only apologises if I “feel” that way 😂😂 then I had a whole other level of anger trying to get him to see but I realised it was a waste of time and energy.

Why bother with a long word and lots of analysing when cunt will do?

If it helps, I always thought that it happened to mild, weak women. Sadly I think that makes you more vulnerable when you aren’t because you don’t see it coming.

Ive met quite a few good friends who’ve split up with similar narcissists and bizarrely, everyone of them is a strong, together woman. If anything, they are the most confident people I know. ( it’s just inside they’ve had the stuffing knocked out of them)

the irony is that narcissists are attracted to ‘high status’ people ( hate that term, but it’s how narcs view people). It means women who are confident, attractive,
successful or talented in some way are a target for these wankers.

I found that reassuring. I’d also say that you never chose a narc because you had low self esteem, but being with them can chip away at your self esteem.

This is also true

I think I want to do something with this experience though if I can. Maybe not right right now, I still have some work to do but in future I’d like to help others in the depths of it all. I feel like it’s something I’ve become so passionate about.

it’s one hell of back handed compliment lol. I’m terrified that the stats say after an abusive relationship your highly likely to enter another and as I said before healthy behaviour and abusive behaviour can sometimes look the same and I feel like I don’t trust myself anymore. The me before the ex would never have allowed it and as it was happening I knew something was right but I didn’t know what and the love bombing was intense so I overrode my gut.

Yeah, don't bother.
A lot of narcs use gashlighting and other methods to cover for their mistakes and make the whole problem they crated somehow a situation where they are the victim and you have to pander around.
Textbook.
Run.

@EG94 it took me a long time to trust myself. I’m still quite cautious in relationships, but I realise now I took a lot of my blue prints for romance from the movies 😳

I loved all these stories about old people who had fallen in love at first sight and were still together 90 years later!

I thought the love bombing was because it was a passionate, love at first sight, romantic love story.

I now know that is bullshit and its actions, not words that show you who someone is.

Don’t worry, you’ll be back to your old outspoken confident self before long. You just end up with a better bullshit radar.

That gives me hope thank you!!

oh I totally understand my nan and grandad were together since they were 15 and I always wanted my first love to be my only love, quite rare to find.

the love bombing for me was yea like a movie. First date we had food he made me feel safe and comfy said he wanted to take me to his so I could see there was no wife / gf, we talked for hours first day we met he said he was deleting dating apps to fully focus on me, all the shit I’d never heard but wanted to hear, what a fucking fool 😂 I thought at the time even tho I wanted to hear it, it did seem too soon to be so sure.

i never lost the outspoken confident me and i think that’s why we argued so much because i would fight against the abuse and i would call him out each and every time. I think he’d have ground me down more if I put up and shut up.

Haha love this!

So many people don’t understand what narcissism is. They think it’s about being brash or arrogant or never apologizing or bragging a lot. And while all those can be aspects of some forms of narcissism, the most important aspects are:

• Being absorbed with his/her own needs, wants, feelings etc to the point where they cannot apply any real attention to the needs, wants, feelings of others
• Needing to be the focus of attention rather than anyone else
• Being in the “superior” position - this can be intellectually superior, physically superior or morally superior (this is where being a martyr or playing the victim, apologising excessively and self-berating etc can come into play… anything that makes you look like “the better person”)
• Positive attention is preferred, but negative attention will do when the alternative is being ignored/irrelevant

The OP’s scenario was textbook narcissism. First he gets the order wrong (despite likely having been told the OP’s preference lots of times) because he is unable to focus his attention on others. Then when the OP pointed this out, but was gracious about it, this made her into the “focus of attention” and the “better person”.

This makes the narcissist feel bad, so he had to make a huge performance of apologizing and agonizing so the attention would move back to him and the OP might even have to reassure and thank him for being so sorry. Alternatively she might have been pissed off and have a go at him, which gives him the chance to play the victim and protest further that it was an honest mistake and she’s so horrible and nit-picky (assuming the morally superior position as well as staying the centre of attention).

You have explained this so much better than I could ever have done. He will never get what I want correct because he is the only thing that matters in his world. Thank you for understanding.

Textbook Covert Narc behaviour. If you haven't experienced it, it's almost impossible to accurately describe.

Yep, same situation here. I've been with one long term and am trying to pluck up the courage to leave. I recognised the behaviour you described straight away. He won't get your order right because he can't be bothered with your needs. Mine can apologise seemingly sincerely and on an Olympic champion level if he thinks I'm about to leave him, but when he whacks me with a shopping trolley in the supermarket and I say "Ow", he'll just look at me blankly, it doesn't occur to him that he should say sorry.
I find food is a huge arena for narky behaviour. The incident that immediately springs to mine for me, is that last week I popped into the village shop and bought us a cream cake each. Put them in the fridge when I got home, an hour later find the package in the bin, because he's found them and eaten both of them. It wouldn't cross his mind that it was one each.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, this was all I was looking for! Because it validates me and and my experiences and it’s important for me to know other people understand. It’s exactly as you say. Profusely telling me I’m everything and that he’s sorry for everything when he senses I’m pulling away. Yet, laughing when a ball hits me in the face when things between us are settled or diminishing my pain if I for example stub my toe. An occasion for me that sticks in my mind was in the McDonalds drive through, he didn’t ask if I wanted anything as he ordered his own. I was kind of shocked so didn’t say anything but when I asked him later why he didn’t ask me, he replied that he did and stuck to that narrative, I was 110% he didn’t because I kept thinking ‘is he going to ask me or what?’ I firmly believe he knew he didn’t ask and was gaslighting me. Some people just don’t seem to get it. Food is a big one, he once admitted he needed to go upstairs to cool down because he was so angry that my son (his SS) had eaten something from the freezer that he had wanted. Annoying I know but not ‘need to go upstairs to calm down’ angry!

They’re the worst.

Interesting that food brings out such narky behaviour. I was really worried about our finances when I was on mat leave ( and main breadwinner). I was scrimping on food and ex kind of nodded when I said we needed to tighten our belts- and plan our food shopping.

he then went out and bought a very expensive sushi lunch and brought it back because he didn’t fancy the veg soup I’d made for lunch. Never thought to ask if I wanted any. He never paid a penny towards food shopping or joint bills.

Another time, my parents had helped us move house. It had been an expensive month as I was paying the mortgage and had an expensive first payment come out. My parents had saved us a fortune on moving costs, giving us use of a van and helping physically move boxes and drive car loads of stuff. I said I’d take them for a meal to a local restaurant which unfortunately turned out to be quite pricey. ( I had already said to my ex, this was going to leave me broke, but was the least I could do to say thanks- still much cheaper than a removal van).

my ex wasn’t working and wasn’t even claiming job seekers. Had no money and couldn’t contribute.

When we got there, my parents saw the prices and ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, bless them. My ex ordered scallops for starters and veal for main course..then asked why I was kicking him under the table!!

Absolutely this.

Ah the narcissists in my life my brother the sexually abusive paedophile, my mother the what would the neighbours think if they found out about him sexually abusing you, you’d ruin his life, my father protecting the paedophile from facing any consequences, my father in law financially, sexually, coercive control, physically abusing MIL and constant controlling behaviour of DH and sibs, none diagnosed all very much narcs because as Jimmy Carr puts it they have the disease everyone around them has the symptoms.

@Weddingbells6 I know what you mean by covert narcs my mother is one.

Haha all this makes me laugh because it’s so familiar! Mine will be literally crying about money, saying he’s a loser and he has so much debt etc and then order the most expensive thing on the menu an hour late in a restaurant (I don’t know if it’s to keep up appearances or what) it’s very strange! And the financial abuse is next level. I’ve paid way more than I should for a long time but if we fall out he will say that he has paid loads into the home, relationship etc and been left with nothing. He has lived rent and mortgage free for 7+ years and owns so much expensive stuff - MacBook, trainers etc. they’re ludicrous!