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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Happily married but constantly craving other men

38 replies

NoName54321 · 07/09/2024 20:32

I'm in my mid-30s and have been married for 8 years. My husband is wonderful in every way and we have two small children.

Just lately, though, I can't stop fantasising about other men! It really depresses me to think that I'll never have that exciting honeymoon period ever again. My husband is actually really good in bed and treats me like a princess. We have a very active and satisfying sex life and often try new things. But even while we're doing it, I've started imagining that he's someone new and unfamiliar. I'm having naughty thoughts about several of my male friends and acquaintances, even (shamefully) my friends' husbands. I would NEVER act on any of these thoughts, but they're really getting me down. The silly thing is, I'm not wishing for a new partner. Just that initial buzz that I'll never get to experience again. After that, I'd want my husband back!! Ideally I'd love to have another man join us for a threesome, but I am certain that my husband wouldn't want that. I know that because we talk often about our desires and fantasies, and it's come up before.

Does anyone else ever feel like this? How do I move past it?

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 20:35

I can’t say I personally have ever felt like this, been with my husband for a long time, and I think that’s in no small part because a lot of my friends are single and in the dating game and God I could not be arsed whatsoever with the intense high highs and low lows of dating, those thrills come with inevitably harsh falls and the not knowing whether you’re coming or going!

If your partner is willing to try new things, maybe role play would help you play out these fantasies?

D12troop · 07/09/2024 20:40

When I felt like that I ended the relationship and moved on.

You're mugging off your DH and as for PP talking about role play WTF? Hi DH could you please dress up as your best mate Jeff and pretend you're out at work and give me a good fucking seeing to!?

alwayslearning789 · 07/09/2024 20:40

"I'm in my mid-30s and have been married for 8 years. My husband is wonderful in every way and we have two small children."

Please try and appreciate what you have.

It's desolate out there... and it is so so easily lost.

Best wishes that you can get helpful advice from this thread from those who have experienced your situation.

Shiningout · 07/09/2024 20:41

I think it's very normal to feel like this. The initial phase of excitement and giddiness you get at the beginning of a relationship is really fun and exciting!! It's not wrong to feel sad that you're unlikely to ever experience that again. I know people will come on and say that you can still have lots of excitement etc in a long marriage and of course that's very true, but I still think it's normal to sometimes crave a bit of someone different once in a while even though you'd never act on it.

kinkytoes · 07/09/2024 20:43

Just keep it all in your imagination and let it help you. I think it's a post kids thing personally. Happened to me too. I used to turn the lights off and that helped 😄

Royalshyness · 07/09/2024 20:44

It a private thought so I would just keep it private as husband sounds decent and lovely (as do you or you wouldn’t feel guilty and you obviously love him)

I would just see it as a bit of a phase to be honest. I don’t know if that is what it is? Maybe you need to feel something new in your life but not sex but you know what I mean, more fulfilment in your career or whatever

(And he’s i fantasise about a lot of things but I don’t worry about it)

im no expert this is just my own thoughts 💭

terracottafarm · 07/09/2024 20:45

Hi OP. Been with DH for 6 years and I'm going through a very very similar period, albeit I'm late twenties. I almost feel torn because I feel like the grass could be greener but DH is a wonderful man and I have to keep remembering that.
I think it's natural to think 'what if'. I recently watched love is blind and I've become obsessed with Freddie, and fantasise about being with him but know that wouldn't ever happen. It would be weird if you didn't find others attractive or think of other people. Sometimes we just need a break from reality and we use our imagination to get that break. It's part of being human x

Lorelaigilmore88 · 07/09/2024 20:48

I think feeling like this is normal. Its a fantasy. And the thrill of a new exciting relationship is intoxicating.
But try and appreciate what you have and remember its a fantasy. A loving relationship with a good man and father of your children is not worth losing for the sake of the butterflies from a new man.

And i would strongly suggest you don't mention the threesome anymore. He could find the suggestion insulting and it would likely end in disaster.

Fiery30 · 07/09/2024 20:51

Perhaps try role play with your husband. You can find different ways of spicing up your sex life too. This requires both parties to be open and setting of some ground rules.

Honest00lad · 07/09/2024 20:55

Once its gone its gone. You can't recreate that initial desire. No matter how many "date nights" you have or "dressing up."

And it's normal. Either you pursue excitement or you accept that what you have is worth more than that.

D12troop · 07/09/2024 20:58

Fiery30 · 07/09/2024 20:51

Perhaps try role play with your husband. You can find different ways of spicing up your sex life too. This requires both parties to be open and setting of some ground rules.

Ah yes the old role play of pretend to be the DPD man and fuck me while my husband is at work. Poor DH, I wish he could read this thread.

Mummabear90hair · 07/09/2024 20:58

Maybe try the strangers at the bar role play and invent entirely new identities? Agree with pp it might be a form of escapism.

Shiningout · 07/09/2024 20:58

Fiery30 · 07/09/2024 20:51

Perhaps try role play with your husband. You can find different ways of spicing up your sex life too. This requires both parties to be open and setting of some ground rules.

See I always see this idea trotted out and honestly just don't get it. I can't imagine role playing with a partner and finding it sexy at all. I'd be embarrassed and find it hilarious!!

Shiningout · 07/09/2024 20:58

Honest00lad · 07/09/2024 20:55

Once its gone its gone. You can't recreate that initial desire. No matter how many "date nights" you have or "dressing up."

And it's normal. Either you pursue excitement or you accept that what you have is worth more than that.

Yep 100 percent this

Gorgonemilezola · 07/09/2024 20:58

If you ever act on these fantasies you'll find out pdq that you had a brilliant life and now you wish you'd appreciated it. No harm in a little day dreaming, but it sounds as if you have a very good life. Don't fuck it up.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 20:59

Shiningout · 07/09/2024 20:58

See I always see this idea trotted out and honestly just don't get it. I can't imagine role playing with a partner and finding it sexy at all. I'd be embarrassed and find it hilarious!!

Show quote history

Surely you can understand though that everyone’s different, and everyone has different sexual interests, so it will be sexy and work for other people :)

Ifailed · 07/09/2024 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LondonFox · 07/09/2024 21:06

D12troop · 07/09/2024 20:58

Ah yes the old role play of pretend to be the DPD man and fuck me while my husband is at work. Poor DH, I wish he could read this thread.

Show quote history

What are you on about?
Role play is normal part of sex life for many couples.

I played everything from student, to train passanger, to doctor to teacher.
It is a good way to experience new things and power dynamics outside of your normal relationship.

Original poster
NoName54321 · 07/09/2024 21:11

Thank you all for the (mostly) helpful and supportive replies!

Unfortunately I'm the kind of person who would find role play stuff too embarrassing, but I understand that might work for some!

@kinkytoes "Just keep it all in your imagination and let it help you. I think it's a post kids thing personally. Happened to me too. I used to turn the lights off and that helped 😄"

Was it a phase for you - did it pass? Your response has made me feel much less alone, thank you for that!

@terracottafarm "Hi OP. Been with DH for 6 years and I'm going through a very very similar period, albeit I'm late twenties. I almost feel torn because I feel like the grass could be greener but DH is a wonderful man and I have to keep remembering that.
I think it's natural to think 'what if'. I recently watched love is blind and I've become obsessed with Freddie, and fantasise about being with him but know that wouldn't ever happen. It would be weird if you didn't find others attractive or think of other people. Sometimes we just need a break from reality and we use our imagination to get that break. It's part of being human x"

This sounds like me, too. But I get obsessed with a different man every week. Could be someone I've seen on TV or someone at work etc! "What if..." and my mind runs away with me. I think it is the need for a break from reality, you're right.

@Honest00lad "Once its gone its gone. You can't recreate that initial desire. No matter how many "date nights" you have or "dressing up."

And it's normal. Either you pursue excitement or you accept that what you have is worth more than that."

I think you're absolutely right. And I know I've got a good thing, and I would never leave my husband or cheat on him. I think I've just been dwelling a lot on this realisation recently, and how I really won't ever have that same excitement again.

OP posts:
Keroppi · 07/09/2024 21:18

Honestly it's probably a phase and a bit of daydreaming or fantasy hurts no-one. Perhaps read some smutty books or fanfic if it's certain characters to get it out of your system and direct it away from people irl

Are you wanting that chasing/flirting with someone? Or just sex with someone for the first time? Perhaps you could buy new lingerie, candles etc make it an occasion , especially if you're too shy to roleplay. Then it can feel new

kinkytoes · 07/09/2024 21:19

OP it was a longish phase and I was about your age, ten years down the road and it's well behind me now. Still happily with my dp.

But they do say the brain is one of the best erogenous zones and there is no need to role play if you can keep it all in your own mind. Your DH never need know!

Original poster
NoName54321 · 07/09/2024 21:26

Keroppi · 07/09/2024 21:18

Honestly it's probably a phase and a bit of daydreaming or fantasy hurts no-one. Perhaps read some smutty books or fanfic if it's certain characters to get it out of your system and direct it away from people irl

Are you wanting that chasing/flirting with someone? Or just sex with someone for the first time? Perhaps you could buy new lingerie, candles etc make it an occasion , especially if you're too shy to roleplay. Then it can feel new

It's just about the sex. I couldn't be doing with any actual chasing or flirting 😄

Very good suggestion about the smutty literature, that may well scratch the itch. I'll do some research!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoName54321 · 07/09/2024 21:27

kinkytoes · 07/09/2024 21:19

OP it was a longish phase and I was about your age, ten years down the road and it's well behind me now. Still happily with my dp.

But they do say the brain is one of the best erogenous zones and there is no need to role play if you can keep it all in your own mind. Your DH never need know!

Thank you SO much. Your message has made me feel a lot better. I hate feeling like this, so it's good to hear from someone who has been there and come out the other side 🙂

OP posts:
Sapphire387 · 07/09/2024 21:30

To be blunt, loads of blokes are crap in bed anyway. I know you're not actually considering cheating but think of if that way... the grass is always greener. Except it isn't.

terracottafarm · 07/09/2024 21:31

NoName54321 · 07/09/2024 21:11

Thank you all for the (mostly) helpful and supportive replies!

Unfortunately I'm the kind of person who would find role play stuff too embarrassing, but I understand that might work for some!

@kinkytoes "Just keep it all in your imagination and let it help you. I think it's a post kids thing personally. Happened to me too. I used to turn the lights off and that helped 😄"

Was it a phase for you - did it pass? Your response has made me feel much less alone, thank you for that!

@terracottafarm "Hi OP. Been with DH for 6 years and I'm going through a very very similar period, albeit I'm late twenties. I almost feel torn because I feel like the grass could be greener but DH is a wonderful man and I have to keep remembering that.
I think it's natural to think 'what if'. I recently watched love is blind and I've become obsessed with Freddie, and fantasise about being with him but know that wouldn't ever happen. It would be weird if you didn't find others attractive or think of other people. Sometimes we just need a break from reality and we use our imagination to get that break. It's part of being human x"

This sounds like me, too. But I get obsessed with a different man every week. Could be someone I've seen on TV or someone at work etc! "What if..." and my mind runs away with me. I think it is the need for a break from reality, you're right.

@Honest00lad "Once its gone its gone. You can't recreate that initial desire. No matter how many "date nights" you have or "dressing up."

And it's normal. Either you pursue excitement or you accept that what you have is worth more than that."

I think you're absolutely right. And I know I've got a good thing, and I would never leave my husband or cheat on him. I think I've just been dwelling a lot on this realisation recently, and how I really won't ever have that same excitement again.

I know it's really difficult OP, we've all been there and many will not admit to it. Every relationship has their ups and downs and sometimes the excitement is what we miss. I certainly know I miss that. You just have to bring yourself back down to earth and remember that if you went into a new relationship, you would end up in the same position now. The spark eventually disappears with time and you become comfortable. I also have to remind myself of that. Enjoy your fantasies and think of it as a guilty pleasure no one else has to know about. X