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Original poster

Adult children stuff

42 replies

noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 20:21

Just venting really but would love to be talked down.
My Dd and her DH have a baby 6 months old. DD is on maternity leave - I am constantly told how she is not getting much money now as I believe that's how maternity pay is/ so long since I had experience of this.
DH and I are ok financially so have been paying her a monthly allowance to help.
But they seem to be constantly in a pub with the baby
. I don't know if I'm being judgmental but I find this wrong in many ways. Is it the right environment for a young baby? In my opinion no.
Are they just spending the money we give them recklessly? They have never asked for money but we have always helped them a lot with money one way and another. So there is a definite expectation which I see now we have fed into.
I have been clear that I will help with childcare one day a week but as far as I can see they've made no plans or provision for child care- I think they believe I'll cave in and do it.
She is a lovely baby but I've done my time with young children and I don't want to commit to more or be railroaded into doing more than I'm prepared to do. This is all keeping me up at night. My DH has a full time job he loves and is quick to promise help that won't involve him . Any views strategies gratefully received. Or am I just being selfish?

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 07/09/2024 20:31

No you aren't.
And no I don't think a pub is a good place for a baby. They need routine, and a pub ain't it. I'd stop giving her money for one thing - doesn't sound like they need it.
As for childcare, see what's required then only offer what you feel comfortable with. My cousin has her granddaughter one day a week after her DD went back to work full time (other grandmother has her one day too). When she started nursery and eventually school she picks her up after and had her til her DD collects her. She has a wonderful relationship with her granddaughter, and one day is not too much of a commitment.

Original poster
noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 20:51

Thankyou. I just want to let them do what they feel is best first their baby but I actually feel upset when they've got her in a pub I was brought up like that and o think it's very triggering

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 07/09/2024 21:17

Whether you keep giving them money or not is up to you.
(Maybe consider giving them things rather than dosh if you're not comfortable with how they're spending it?)

You need to be very clear, from now that your offer of childcare is for ONE day a week ONLY
This can be direct statements and little asides, but youneed to be doing this

Original poster
noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 21:54

Thankyou all - just feeling guilty and obviously I love the baby but I also feel a little bit manipulated

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 07/09/2024 21:56

How much are you giving them op they sound like they ate taking the piss how old are they? Pubs aren't the right environments for them. They should be at home establishing a routine.

Original poster
noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 22:25

That is exactly what I said to my husband this evening. He pays 15000 per month to DD . It is a huge proportion of our income but we wanted to be supportive but when I see photos of them in pubs I feel like crying

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 07/09/2024 22:27

noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 22:25

That is exactly what I said to my husband this evening. He pays 15000 per month to DD . It is a huge proportion of our income but we wanted to be supportive but when I see photos of them in pubs I feel like crying

Is 15000 a typo?

Fedupandstressed · 07/09/2024 22:30

Have you added a zero there?

TomatoSandwiches · 07/09/2024 22:37

Even if this is a typo and you're paying £1500 that is still a shocking amount to give, that's a lot of people's whole monthly budget op, I wouldn't be paying that to any of my children even if I were a millionaire tbh.

I would cut that right down to £500 as she will be earning something on maternity pay and it will give them less pub money, enough to live on but not enough to think about not going back to work.

Honestly op, they're taking the piss.

Original poster
noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 22:44

Yes sorry typo !! 1500!!!

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 07/09/2024 22:46

Why the actual fuck are you giving her £1500 a month ????

Sceptical123 · 07/09/2024 22:46

😳

GrazingSheep · 07/09/2024 22:46

Are there tax implications for that?

mollyfolk · 07/09/2024 22:47

Does her DH work? Are they in going to the pub after work or at the weekend? Is this like a Sunday lunch situation or are they drinking in a pub with the baby there. If so I would be seriously concerned about an alcohol problem.

It's lovely for you to help them out money and to offer to mind the baby one day a week. I would start asking about their alternative childcare arrangements- all the time.

Noseybookworm · 07/09/2024 23:00

I think you need to stop giving them so much money! They are not struggling that much if they're always in the pub. You can't tell them how to raise their child but you don't have to subsidise their lifestyle. Try not to worry about their childcare arrangements - they are adults and it's for them to sort out. Take a step back and let them stand on their own two feet. Get busy with some new hobbies so it's obvious you're not going to be giving up your independence to be their unpaid childminder. One day a week with your granddaughter will be lovely ☺️

UnityB · 07/09/2024 23:09

Omg that is more than I earn in a month working.

There is no need for your husband to be giving them that much, they need to be standing on their own 2 feet and providing for their family.

Giving them that much gives them no incentive to work, save or stay out of pubs!

alinetokill · 07/09/2024 23:16

£1,500 a month?!!
FUCKING CHRIST ON A BIKE!!
I went back to work when my 1st son was 6 months old, and when my 2nd was 8 weeks, because I COULDN'T AFFORD NOT TO.
I had no handouts from my parents (although they could have afforded it) beyond generous birthday gifts. My sons are now 7 and 5, we've NEVER expected any childcare or anything else from our parents. They have done their bit with young children, it's bloody hard work!
Your daughter is taking the piss, completely and utterly.

NeedBiggerWindChimes · 07/09/2024 23:21

You are going way over and above OP. That's a huge amount you are paying your DD. Stick to your guns over what childcare you are willing to offer. You don't have to do any. If your DH volunteers help, make it clear he will be doing what he offers. It's not his place to offer your time. This is your DD's baby and her job to take care of it. You've done your time, as you said. Whatever help you offer has to fit with your life, on your terms. Don't be taken advantage of.

Precipice · 07/09/2024 23:29

GrazingSheep · 07/09/2024 22:46

Are there tax implications for that?

Why would there be tax implications? You can give your money to whoever you want. The only way there are ever tax implications is if it's the kind of gift that falls within the remit of inheritance tax, but that's if OP dies within 7 years (which we don't wish her!), or if it's treated as a job (which it clearly isn't, since OP's DD isn't doing anything for the money - OP can't be employing her to take care of her own child).

WelshMoth · 08/09/2024 08:21

noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 22:25

That is exactly what I said to my husband this evening. He pays 15000 per month to DD . It is a huge proportion of our income but we wanted to be supportive but when I see photos of them in pubs I feel like crying

Oh my god!

I assume you mean £1,500?

Bloody hell OP!!!!

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 08/09/2024 08:25

noreasonbehindit · 07/09/2024 22:44

Yes sorry typo !! 1500!!!

Why? You've raised a spoiled entitled DD but she won't need you for childcare you're paying it for her.

TemuSpecialBuy · 08/09/2024 08:29

No you aren’t.
I have a 2.5 and 6m old
that’s appalling….

i would stop giving her money
if she pleads poverty I’d ask what baby class she’d like to attend and buy the classes for her.
I’d also buy nappies etc regularly in small quantities

are you giving them 1,500???? Fucking hell….
I make 200k a year my monthly outgoings excluding our mortgage was lower than that while on mat leave

if you have it to spare either put in in your own ISA for your grandchild’s future later or in a JISA or child pension that her parents can’t raid….

WelshMoth · 08/09/2024 08:31

Stick to your guns here OP, but you may have to navigate this a bit carefully, even if it means telling a few lies. Your DH will need to be on board with this. Withdrawing what is a MASSIVE amount of money is going to anger your DD.

I'd tell her that you've had a massive tax bill or something of that magnitude and that you are not going to be able to afford the £1500. Give her less than £500 most definitely (you could put £100 in an account for your grandchild - that'll amass quite a sum by the time they're 18).

She, and her husband need to wise up although I fear that this won't happen without a few fall outs. You've been paying for this lifestyle I'm afraid.

How do you get on normally?

WelshMoth · 08/09/2024 08:34

I'd definitely tell her (when she complains about childcare costs when she returns to work) that she should have saved much of what you've already paid her, to cover the costs.

Is she even going to return to work?!

Mischance · 08/09/2024 08:36

That is ridiculous! Why are you paying anything to two grown adults with jobs?

Time to stop doing it and let them grow up.

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