Adult children stuff

[noreasonbehindit]

Just venting really but would love to be talked down.
My Dd and her DH have a baby 6 months old. DD is on maternity leave - I am constantly told how she is not getting much money now as I believe that's how maternity pay is/ so long since I had experience of this.
DH and I are ok financially so have been paying her a monthly allowance to help.
But they seem to be constantly in a pub with the baby
. I don't know if I'm being judgmental but I find this wrong in many ways. Is it the right environment for a young baby? In my opinion no.
Are they just spending the money we give them recklessly? They have never asked for money but we have always helped them a lot with money one way and another. So there is a definite expectation which I see now we have fed into.
I have been clear that I will help with childcare one day a week but as far as I can see they've made no plans or provision for child care- I think they believe I'll cave in and do it.
She is a lovely baby but I've done my time with young children and I don't want to commit to more or be railroaded into doing more than I'm prepared to do. This is all keeping me up at night. My DH has a full time job he loves and is quick to promise help that won't involve him . Any views strategies gratefully received. Or am I just being selfish?

£1500 a month?! I thought you were going to say a couple of hundred at the absolute most! That’s a huge amount of money to be giving to your daughter every month. It’s very kind of you but honestly, it’s way, way over and above what could be considered ‘average’ help from parents.
Id be giving fair warning it would be cutting right back, and, if wanted, start putting a certain amount in savings for your grandchild.

£1500?!

Absolute madness.

I think you should reduce the amount you are paying. You seem to be overinvolved in her life....I am not saying you are being overbearing I just mean that you don't seem to have stepped back from being responsible for your dd in that you are supporting her with a huge amount of money each month, worrying about her childcare arrangements on her behalf whilst she seems oblivious. In the nicest possible way, take a massive step back. She will never grow up and take responsibility for her own life if you are always in the background doing it for her. As hard as it might be to watch her do things wrong, make unnecessary mistakes etc you need to.

First of all, reduce the money, maybe by £500 for a few months and then when she is back at work by another £500. Don't just spring it on them but have a conversation about how you and dh need to begin thinking about your retirement.

Second, stop laying awake worrying about the childcare. You've said you will do one day. If they don't sort anything that's their own problem not yours. Stand firm.

Thirdly, you mentioned your dh having a tendency to make offers that don't involve him, I assume this means he offers your services "Yes, no problem, Mum can do an extra day childcare" type scenario. You need to tackle this with him, make it abundantly clear he must stop doing this for you. If he does just say to dd "I'm really sorry, Dad should've checked with me before offering, I am unable to do this".

You don't need to fix everything any more, she's a grown up.

Stop giving them money, they've chosen to have a baby they can pay for things themselves. If have more sympathy but it sounds like they have money for the pub, and no that's not a great environment for a baby on a regular basis. Your DD needs to grow up.

The problem now is that they're used to getting an extra £1500 a month. So to just take that away might cause problems. So I'd set out a plan - did you ever talk about how long the money was coming in for? what her maternity leave looks like?
I'd say you've had to reconsider finances, but you will continue to pay £1000 for the next two months (if you want, put the remaining £1000in a bank account for the baby). Then your contributions will drop to £500 a month for the final 4 months of her maternity leave assuming she takes a full year.
Ask what they have planned for childcare as you need to organise which DAY you are going to be looking after them. If you WANT offer to pay for an additional day at nursery per week. With the new 15free hours that should make nursery affordable for them if they only have to cover 3 days a week (assuming your DD and DSiL go back full time). That would be about £350 a month for you if nursery is £70 a day. If you stuck £150 in that same savings account, baby would be getting £1800 a year in savings too, ignoring interest. That way you're still contributing, you're improving your own income as you're only paying out £500 rather than £1500, baby has a savings account with a decent income and you've set boundaries for your own life.

I think these kind of money problems usually come out of wanting to avoid difficult conversations and not being upfront. If you go in with a firm plan (and yourDH has to support you!) It's up to them to be upfront cheeky to ask you for more.

wtf? Why are you giving them money let alone regular money let alone £1500 a month?!

They are not your dependants. They are adults and need to be responsible for their own child

Omg I thought you ment about £200 bloody hell that's a monthly wage for me.
No wonder they can afford to go to the pub!! Irrespective of babies should/shouldn't be in a pub they DO NOT need your money per month, iam in utter shock. My parents would of never given me anything like that

Why would she go back to work when her parents are paying her a wage per month

Stop with the handouts. You're being overly generous but it's not helping them to live in the real world.
Open a long term savings account for your DGC instead and pay into that every month instead.
They need to learn to stand on their own two feet and budget with what they've got.
If you really feel you have to help get them supermarket vouchers.

Maybe she is not planning on going back to work considering you are paying them that per month and hopes it will continue

They both work, maternity leave is no more than a year, why on earth are you giving them huge sums of money every month? They are adults, adults pay their own way Op, they take responsibilty for their own lives. How will they ever grow up when you still treat them as children?

Have you got other children? Are you very comfortable financially? That amount of money would pay for so many different things, house deposit for DGD, university, so many things for the future.

This is embarrassing. How can they accept an 'allowance' from parents at their stage in life??? If they are so hard up then they would get 30 hours a week free child care, so you don't need to step in at all.

That's a crazy amount of money. The more you give, the more people expect. That's life. Stop being a push over. She should budget like everyone else does on maternity leave.

How much does she and DH earn??

I also think you and your spouse have a gift allowance of £3k each to hand out cash wise, after that £6k the tax does need to be paid? So £12k - who pays the tax?!

Absolutely bonkers.

Way to go in raising an entitled, spoilt numpty.

That poor baby with such awful parents and grandparents.

Your daughter and her husband are more than lucky to have parents like you and your husband.

You're giving your adult daughter the equivalent of many people's monthly salary to counteract the fact she didn't make adequate provisions herself to fund her maternity leave?

You need to knock that on the head. She chose to have a baby and she should be responsible for the financial implications of having a child. You're doing her no favours whatsoever.