It clearly is me - but I cannot work out why?

[commondenominator]

And I think I have good self awareness so I’m struggling as to why things are like they are ?

Im clearly the common denominator! I’m constantly analysing my behaviour and I can’t pinpoint the reason?

Or do I need to separate everything and think along the lines of I’ve been unlucky and it’s all just a coincidence and it isn’t me?

I have been ghosted by my whole family. I was severely abused growing up and had siblings who were treated wonderfully. For a long time I made a huge effort to keep in touch with them , send gifts for birthday etc and I realised it was so one sided they only spoke to me when I initiated it. I’ve tried to think have I said anything wrong or by accident I can’t think of anything. Then I looked at my actions thinking was it too much contact was I suffocating asking them to meet texting for chats etc ?

Im very open about the abuse I suffered so maybe it’s that ? They feel our mother was wonderful and loving. She was - to them. So I’m looking to myself thinking have I been too outspoken about this ?

The other issue is MIL. She doesn’t like me. She wil be ok then randomly has a go at me criticising me. Eg I ‘took’ her son away from her ??? She has criticised my parenting multiple times and queried is my parenting so bad that’s why my ds has ASD. Sometimes she’s nice (if she wants something usually!). Again I’ve looked to myself and think maybe I’ve annoyed her because I encouraged now dh to move out very early in our relationship (this was a very long time ago!) and she was against it ?

Iam quite shy so again looking at myself I’m worried if I come across as rude when I’m actually naturally quiet ?

I just feel as if I’m alienating everyone or there’s conflict with everyone. What else do I look at I don’t want to always be the problem.

No my youngest child is 5

I’m even trying to think if I come across as intimidating somehow or suffocating as I used to try so much to meet up with family but I wasn’t getting the hint they didn’t want to

Do you think your siblings have a very different view of their childhood ? Maybe they don't see things from your POV because as you say, your mother was very loving to them? Maybe they have distanced themselves as they don't understand your experience. Do you feel like the outsider because they all feel the same as each other?

Sounds to me like you are the family scapegoat and have been punished for having the courage to speak up. Being the scapegoat probably means you don't have great boundaries and that's probably why MIL is speaking to you like this. I would encourage you to go to therapy to speak about your family dynamic and unpick this. This will also help with reinforcing boundaries so you can be treated properly by the people in your life

Poor you, I do think it’s just a lot harder for some people to make connections. I’ve always been a shy person and I have social anxiety. I found out that this can come across as me being cold / not engaging / not interested or caring or arrogant. I haven’t found a solution, other than accepting that I’m not this kind of person everyone likes instantly. I have a small circle of people who know the real me. I think you just need to let go of those who can’t/are not willing to relate. The more you analyse and try to please, the worse your anxiety or shyness will get. Enjoy your own company, do things you like, and hopefully the right people will cross your path.

It's not uncommon in abusive families to have a scapegoat or black sheep that the rest of the family exclude. There is no reasoning with people who believe this way. The treatment you experienced in your family may have trained you to accept poor behaviour from other people as normal. So being put down and excluded is normal for you and you have internalised it as a 'you' problem. You are the common denominator, but not for the reason you think you are.

Therapy might be really helpful for you. It's probably worth asking your GP for a referral to services that might help you unpack your childhood experiences.

Your child's autism isn't caused by bad parenting, my own autism is inherited from my parents. It often runs in families.

They’ve said a few times how upset she is that I keep bringing up the past . They adore her .

Have a look at this thread:

August 2024 - But we took you to Stately Homes! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

How do you describe your communication style?
How do you handle conflicts or disagreements in conversations?

Did they see her abuse you? Were they older or younger?

Link

this article looks at the role of scapegoat and it’s a common one in dysfunctional families… your boundaries are probably impacted by this hence the MIL issues too- worth a read and a few counselling sessions to explore… it’s not your fault at all but it is within your control to change the narrative from now… all the best.

I just realised that if I don’t contact them they never contacted me . Every time I suggested meeting there was always a reason why they couldn’t. At family events it was awkward. So I stopped and waited and they just not contacted me ? So I really don’t know what to think

They are all younger and yes they did witness a lot of it. Very often it was situations where they had to pick a side or help to point out things I’d done wrong / join in making fun of me etc and that would get them extra privileges. I know they didn’t mean it if they’d sided with me I can’t imagine how that would have impacted them I think there was probably fear for them in a different way to how I was scared ?

I can’t work out if MIL is just grumpy sometimes and I’m reading to much into it or over analysing every situation because of how it is with my family ? I have this constant need to keep trying to find ways to change or make people like me and when I can’t work out why they don’t I feel so frustrated and start thinking I’m blind to my own faults ?

I think that your siblings really believe their version of the past, even if it isn't so. So to them, it's painful for them to hear horrible things about someone they love, and them believing it's not true, I'm sure it is very difficult. This isn't to disbelieve you at all- It's not at all fair- but from their perspective, it's painful for them to hear this stuff. I'm really sorry that they can't consider your truth. X

I get on well with my dh, my neighbours etc so sometimes I think maybe it isn’t me , then other times I think no I have to keep looking to myself as something is wrong here

They would probably reply - but they never ever get in touch with me it’s always me calling or messaging - if I suggest meeting up they were always busy. It’s been a few weeks now of nothing because I haven’t initiated it