It clearly is me - but I cannot work out why?

[commondenominator]

And I think I have good self awareness so I’m struggling as to why things are like they are ?

Im clearly the common denominator! I’m constantly analysing my behaviour and I can’t pinpoint the reason?

Or do I need to separate everything and think along the lines of I’ve been unlucky and it’s all just a coincidence and it isn’t me?

I have been ghosted by my whole family. I was severely abused growing up and had siblings who were treated wonderfully. For a long time I made a huge effort to keep in touch with them , send gifts for birthday etc and I realised it was so one sided they only spoke to me when I initiated it. I’ve tried to think have I said anything wrong or by accident I can’t think of anything. Then I looked at my actions thinking was it too much contact was I suffocating asking them to meet texting for chats etc ?

Im very open about the abuse I suffered so maybe it’s that ? They feel our mother was wonderful and loving. She was - to them. So I’m looking to myself thinking have I been too outspoken about this ?

The other issue is MIL. She doesn’t like me. She wil be ok then randomly has a go at me criticising me. Eg I ‘took’ her son away from her ??? She has criticised my parenting multiple times and queried is my parenting so bad that’s why my ds has ASD. Sometimes she’s nice (if she wants something usually!). Again I’ve looked to myself and think maybe I’ve annoyed her because I encouraged now dh to move out very early in our relationship (this was a very long time ago!) and she was against it ?

Iam quite shy so again looking at myself I’m worried if I come across as rude when I’m actually naturally quiet ?

I just feel as if I’m alienating everyone or there’s conflict with everyone. What else do I look at I don’t want to always be the problem.

They’ve said to me in the past that our mother is old now, do I really want to keep bringing up the past and upsetting her etc. that I need to ‘get over it’ . That ‘you only get one mum’ that I’ll regret it. This is in response to small
things it’s not like I’ve started an argument at a family event it would be something like we would have been at an event and our mother would start trying to make fun of me and I say ‘I’m not a child anymore you can’t bully me’ then she would burst into tears and my siblings are then worried as she’s so distressed.

2 suggestions:

Read Attached by Levine and Heller.

Invest in a dozen or so sessions with a counsellor.

It's quite common for adult children from abusive familes to repeat the pattern in their other relationships in adult life - you are used to people treating you badly and don't know what a "healthy" relationship looks like.

Now you've been able to see and step away from the abuse in your birth family, you've started noticing it in more places. Your siblings are likely in denial or simply were treated better than you and don't understand your point of view.
(this is the case my family, one sibling and I have both cut contact with our parents due to abuse of us and our chlidren; our other sibling who is the "golden child" simply can't see what our problem is).

I recommend the InSight series of podcasts by Katie McKenna and Helen Villiers which are really good to help make sense of toxic family situations and how to move away from them. I'd also suggest therapy might be helpful for you?

Siblings , aunt (mother’s sister) and uncle , cousins and second cousins. I was removed from the 2 family WA groups as well after the above incident at a family event

Maybe ghosted isn’t the right definition ? I mean if I don’t contact them they will never contact me

distressed = emotionally manipulative

If I do message or call they reply but it’s strained and they never want to meet up

No family events I’ve been aware of but I would assume they’ve seen each other they are very close

Growing up with your family op I'd want nothing to do with any of them.
I would just move on with my life.
Why would you want to be anywhere near people that abused you.
Or just maybe they don't want to constantly hear about the past when they have seen you.
And just distanced themselves.

I don’t I wanted to have a relationship with my siblings and wider family

If it's like DH's family, your siblings will be trying to keep in with her and draw her negative attention on themselves. They'll all be slightly afraid of her. When I met DH, he described his mother as lovely, and as a victim/survivor, and he would bend over backwards for her approval and be devastated if it was withheld. As some older siblings are no longer around, he became the family scapegoat. Also encouraged at times by other family members to let things go and not upset her. Some parents are just awful.

Do you perhaps keep raising past issues or asking them why they don't like you. You seem to be fixated in finding out what's 'wrong' with you and perhaps they find that tedious.
It is very unfair on you, but you can't control what they think. Perhaps if you don't want a relationship with them, it might be time to move on and stop trying to force the issues.
Make new friends and enjoy the ones you have. Love you kids and stop trying to find validation from a family that obviously won't give it.
If you stop soul searching all the time you might enjoy what you have better!

It could be that in a way I don’t like the abuse being ‘forgotten’ and for my mother to not be held accountable and I wish she would tell me why she targeted me I think I’m bitter about it if I’m honest and she almost acts like she’s the victim when I would bring it up if she tried to make fun of me as an adult (like she was ‘testing’ to see if she still had that power to upset me but then I’d call her out)

So your mother still relates to you in the same old abusive way. You don't want to see her any more. You want healthy relationships with younger members of the family, going forward into the future.

Been there, done that. It worked out for me as it's working out for you with your siblings. The problem is that the abusive dynamics are still in place, & your younger siblings are still trapped in it. They're still believers, as it were, playing their allotted roles in the system. Your mother still controls them, as evidenced by their protecting her at the family get-together when she was in the wrong & you called out her behaviour towards you (very brave of you btw).

I don't think you will get anywhere with them & you may have to plough your own furrow for a while. It may be that things get a bit better years down the line, or they may not. I lost one same-generation relative completely, while another is friendly but distant by mutual consent.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I just want you to know it's not your fault. You are not the problem. You were born into a problem which was not of your making. You've grown up clear-sighted, courageous & loving (& forgiving, since you want a relationship with these siblings who weren't on your side in the past & you understand why they weren't). That in itself is amazing & a sign of your worth.

It's horrible not to have a real, supportive family. It's natural to want one. You have a family of your own now & I hope you find love & happiness there. Good luck.

Yes

On many occasions at family events she’s quietly tried to bully me or openly has tried to humiliate me . As a child this would cause me to cry as an adult i will just say loudly that she can’t bully/ humiliate me im an adult now and she should know better. On one occasion when I raised my voice to say this as she kept whispering unkind comments she dropped down to a nearby chair as if she was going to collapse and said I was scaring her .

Yes I think I’m just going to continue not bothering to instigate contact