Help please - DH mental and physical breakdown h

[New2Mumming]

Advice and experience please.

My DH has stuff going on mentally and physically and I think it's coming to a head right now. What do I do to help him? He woke up today to find his eczema has spread to his face, freaked out and broke down crying. Said he cant cope with day to day life. Wouldn't let me hug him, said he needed to go. Calmed a bit, went to the shop and came home soon after for a bleach bath.

• he has always been anxious his whole life. Any problems big or small is a source of worry, upset or frustration to him and its exhausting him

• he's always had severe allergies to nuts, dairy and now a specific intolerance which is found across so many foods, leaving him with horrible eczema. It's making him apprehensive to eat at all at the moment. This is a horrible issue to live with, it affects his home life and social life. Doesn't want to get Steroid withdrawal. Also has bad asthma.

• General health anxiety means nothing can go unnoticed or unpursued like a headache, if his wee smells different..

Its on his mind and he'll go to doctor and not get an answer.

• hates his job and commute

• has tried therapy and cbt but it doesn't work for him

• generally stressed, he's talking in his sleep, put our laundry basket against bedroom door last night as though scared of a break in (toddler sleeps in our room too), but said he didn't remember.

• generally has been bored on weekends, but what can I do about that when running a home, pregnant and looking after little one?

It's Saturday. All I can think is to go via GP on Monday for a referral to derm and allergy specialist, but yes that can take months. What to do about mental health? No spare cash for private.
He has begun pat leave which should help as no work or commute, six weeks left.but boredom at home/stress of the kids might exacerbate him. Tbh no situation is going to calm him from what I know.

I have taken out our toddler (23 months) and am heavily pregnant, due on Monday. I am totally fine right now, sleeping well, mobile and no bad symptoms, but big and more limited than when not pregnant.

Our car is in the garage and so my family is 1.5hrs away by train. His family is on the other side of country. I'd rather not explode it with other people right now, it'll be worse for him and he'll try to hide it. But as soon as we need help either of our mums would appear.

I don't know how to comfort him, reassure him or where to go for a solution.

Praying for an easy birth and gentle newborn (haha!) so that we don't drown in it all.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I’ve only got a few mins but a couple of thoughts:

• it does sound like he’s escalating and becoming increasingly irrational. If you think it’s reached crisis then you need to access help over the weekend, through 111 is probably the easiest. Please do this without feeling guilty if you think it’s necessary, regardless of what he says.
• if you need to “explode it” then do so and get the mum’s involved without guilt.
• if you haven’t told family, then at the start of next week please get in touch with your midwife and let them know you’ve got this going on to see if you can access support - he should be there supporting you right now and if he’s not able to, maybe there’s a service that can.

Thank you @BlahBlahBaa I appreciate ideas. He's a very intelligent guy so I have to unpick his anxieties a lot to work out if they're irrational. I will tell my mum what's going on just to feel backed up, but ofc she'll worry about me and I don't want people to be annoyed with him, he is honestly suffering.

I think the time to 'explode it' is fast approaching, whether he will like it or not.

Your DH needs help and support, you already have a toddler and are about to give birth so you do too. If he isn't in a place right now to offer that support to you then please reach out to find it elsewhere, midwife, family etc.

He needs to do the same for himself. Yes the waiting times can be ridiculous but it's the first step, he needs to go and sit down with his GP and be very honest with them and go from there.

Sorry gor your trouble this sounds really hard. You say he has tried therapy and CBT but have not mentioned anti depressants. Has he tried them?

They are effective in the treatment of anxiety as well as depression and can be a game changer. You have to stick with them for a couple of months before they work fully.

What's a bleach bath, did he put bleach in his bath for his skin, that's completely irrational, for his skin he needs a doctor to prescribe medication and lotions, his allergies need testing. He might benefit from antihistamines. My main concern would be his deteriorating anxiety, how is he going to cope when you're in hospital and have a newborn, how can he safely look after you all.

I'm sorry but you have to put yourself and your kids first here, if only because you can't pour from an empty cup.

And more cynically, because he's not going to put you and the kids first. I note he was well enough to knock you up! So he needs to use that energy to get help.

I am sympathetic that he is suffering OP but he has responsibilities as a husband (to a wife who is currently heavily pregnant no less) and a father. He isn't a single man with no dependent children who would be entitled to deal with his life as he chose without taking into account the effect on anyone else.

To be honest if I were you I would be contacting the local mental health crisis team - he is saying that he cannot cope, is acting paranoid and then claiming to be unable to remember it (I'm not accusing him of lying but if he can't remember doing it that's almost worse than being able to recall acting in that way).

I would also tell both your mothers and your midwife. You as well as he need not to only take him into account but to prioritise both of your children and yourself at this time as well.

There will likely be more support available to you as a family now (whilst you are pregnant and immediately post-partum) than at any other point. Take advantage of everything offered to you; perhaps this is the rock bottom point that you will all bounce back from. Do not make the mistake of thinking that you or he can or should manage this situation alone.

What on earth is a bleach bath or at least the point of it. It sounds potentially disturbing and will exacerbate eczema. It is wholly irrational. I think you need tontake him to A&E for urgent assessment and yiu are likely to need help and support next week.

This.

I have to say his mental breakdown is very well timed to a place where he should be supporting you. You have to take the toddler out. You are heavily pregnant but still mobile and having to take care of him. You sound like a very nice and caring person. Put yourself first. Have a nice bath for you. Get emotional support for you. How would your DP react if you told the Mums? Maybe tell his Mum as you don't want him to fall out with your Mum. You need her.

I absolutely agree with other posters that the time to press the ‘help’ button is now. Get the Mum’s involved, get Dr’s involved. They can worry and care for him, as you need to focus on you, your pregnancy and your other child. I also agree to asking your midwife for other supports for you.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can do it all, or do it without help. Kindly, you can’t. And if you collapse in a week/month or whatever, that could have higher consequences for your family, as it’s clear he would not be able to step into the picture and cope.

Bleach baths in appropriate proportions can be a remedy for intractable eczema and flare ups. I assume OP’s DH has received medical advice about it.

I am interested in all the foods he doesn’t get along with. Perhaps we can provide pointers? Or perhaps have a look here? www.facebook.com/groups/380347182034474

Thank you for all the support and wisdom everyone, I am taking it in. I'll phone my mum.

For info, maybe bleach bath isn't best explained - it is a normal treatment for eczema (I too have always had eczema) eg VERY dilute bleach (recommended by derms honestly) or in his case Milton. It's just referred to as a bleach bath, I see if you haven't heard of it, it's is alarming! I shouldn't have mentioned it.

Ok interesting point that we're best placed for support thanks to the little ones.

No he's not taken anti depressants before but is himself considering it.

It's not that it's a convenient time but likely the impending birth is another source of stress for him.

He wasn't being selfish knocking me up, we just wanted our second baby soon.

Hi OP, I am in the same situation as you with regards to my DH being in the middle of some severe mental health issues. If you want to PM me for some mutual support, that's fine.
My children are older and I have no idea how I would cope in your position. But I agree with the poster above. My DH is now sectioned after he disappeared and I called the police. TBH, the mental health problems are something that are just too big to sort out ourselves. I think as you are so heavily pregnant and have a toddler you need to just get someone else to deal with this. Call Mind or even call 111. My DH's mental health deteriorated very suddenly from low level anxiety all his life to serious anxiety into full blown depression with suicidal tendencies. He has been sectioned now and is hopefully safe in hospital.
Re mums- They definitely need to be told.. Especially his mum. I was reluctant to tell my mum because I didnt want my family to look at him differently afterwards, but it got to the point of no return. My MIL has been brilliant. Both my DM and MIL are the same- Drop a pot of yoghurt on the floor=full blown disaster of epic proportions, actual crisis= totally calm practical and helpful!

@thesandgroper thanks, it's Salycitates. We don't need advice on it to be honest, he's an expert on his allergies poor thing, but this one flares up, more like an intolerance and seems to be putting him through a period of intense inflammation.

Thank you, I am sad to hear that and gosh its scary as well. Good ideas re Mind etc

DP can’t pour from an empty cup either so put your cynicism away.

He needs anti-depressants and he won’t get better without them. Poor guy, poor you.

Don’t give in about the meds. Don’t.

Or perhaps the stress of the impending birth triggered the breakdown????

You probably already know this but the Eczema UK Facebook group is great for support, I also recommend the book The Eczema Diet which has salicylate free recipes for adults and kids.

Agree with PP, as this is perinatal mental health hopefully he will be bumped up the waiting list. Fingers crossed for all of you.

I’d suggest he starts taking meds for his anxiety (it takes at least 6 weeks to kick in fyi) then has another go CBT.

Ive done two lots of group CBT and both times has started with men but ended as a group of only women as I think men often find it especially hard to admit to themselves and others that they are struggling and can’t solve their problems themselves. I don’t know how to get round that but I hope your DH is able to give therapy another go as it will help him find coping strategies in the long term. 💐

Thank you I will buy that book @meringue33

Excellent advice here in the immediate term. For his allergies and his skin he needs to be under a proper team and on appropriate treatment such as biologics. The impact it is having on his mental health will be large and he needs adequate support with that aspect, along with his work stress and life stress etc.

I am really sorry you and all going through this and wish you all the best for Monday

Mothers and babies first, this is a mother's forum you realise.

@New2Mumming Salicylates and I are old friends (not) as it happens. I am going to provide a few links. Either DH can look or you can come back to this thread when you have more headspace. Yes, it’s difficult when you want to eat but can’t face the reaction. Apart from the fb page above, everything is Australia based but there are plenty from around the world that use these sites.

https://www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/factsheets-by-symptom/eczema

https://www.fedup.com.au/factsheets/factsheets-by-additive/salicylates

https://www.fedup.com.au/

https://www.fedup.com.au/support/failsafe-dietitians/overseas. I strongly recommend your dh goes to a dietitian trained in salicyate sensitivity. If he has been avoiding food, he needs to be sure he is covering his nutrition needs. If he can’t get into a UK one, I know some Australians are happy to consult by Skype. The fb groups can help you with that as well as basic support.

www.facebook.com/groups/128458328536

This has the list of foods and their levels that he needs to manage his intolerance. It also includes recipes.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Friendly-Food-essential-allergies-intolerances-ebook/dp/B07R8XBJ63/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1F652Z770366E&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.tHW1Xa6n03-9vRncFxVUzn2yzjFMspWbDCFHixL3OAMlxtAXy3Oc2cPHty0zjaGM2vP6Udkv5HAEjyRJ500jwIdLi0O993E67UinrbkXdmsSw8P5nU8yANLLR8DFULg1Ikp6q5EL1SKodTCJRQPrebCk-pc0jSN78NwocdQjlfQ8fU7UVhvzzwZbQDyLWKo2kGeL4tEWURZEnOSDUA_qSqYiy01lS6FEDo1TDOzZhhQ.4AYSMpN5-CYmO6OvzxTxmS_Td-GBbw_tFaARTGSudgM&dib_tag=se&keywords=Friendly+foods&qid=1725704138&s=books&sprefix=friendly+foods%2Cstripbooks%2C550&sr=1-1

I am happy to answer any questions at any time. Just pm or tag me.