Help please - DH mental and physical breakdown h

[New2Mumming]

Advice and experience please.

My DH has stuff going on mentally and physically and I think it's coming to a head right now. What do I do to help him? He woke up today to find his eczema has spread to his face, freaked out and broke down crying. Said he cant cope with day to day life. Wouldn't let me hug him, said he needed to go. Calmed a bit, went to the shop and came home soon after for a bleach bath.

• he has always been anxious his whole life. Any problems big or small is a source of worry, upset or frustration to him and its exhausting him

• he's always had severe allergies to nuts, dairy and now a specific intolerance which is found across so many foods, leaving him with horrible eczema. It's making him apprehensive to eat at all at the moment. This is a horrible issue to live with, it affects his home life and social life. Doesn't want to get Steroid withdrawal. Also has bad asthma.

• General health anxiety means nothing can go unnoticed or unpursued like a headache, if his wee smells different..

Its on his mind and he'll go to doctor and not get an answer.

• hates his job and commute

• has tried therapy and cbt but it doesn't work for him

• generally stressed, he's talking in his sleep, put our laundry basket against bedroom door last night as though scared of a break in (toddler sleeps in our room too), but said he didn't remember.

• generally has been bored on weekends, but what can I do about that when running a home, pregnant and looking after little one?

It's Saturday. All I can think is to go via GP on Monday for a referral to derm and allergy specialist, but yes that can take months. What to do about mental health? No spare cash for private.
He has begun pat leave which should help as no work or commute, six weeks left.but boredom at home/stress of the kids might exacerbate him. Tbh no situation is going to calm him from what I know.

I have taken out our toddler (23 months) and am heavily pregnant, due on Monday. I am totally fine right now, sleeping well, mobile and no bad symptoms, but big and more limited than when not pregnant.

Our car is in the garage and so my family is 1.5hrs away by train. His family is on the other side of country. I'd rather not explode it with other people right now, it'll be worse for him and he'll try to hide it. But as soon as we need help either of our mums would appear.

I don't know how to comfort him, reassure him or where to go for a solution.

Praying for an easy birth and gentle newborn (haha!) so that we don't drown in it all.

You sound like a wonderful, calm supportive partner. Reach out to family, you need support so you can continue to offer him support, if this makes sense. Even the strong ones need to reenergise. Especially with going to 2 young children imminently.

You've got loads of good advice already, regarding support groups and antihistamines (my daughter has same allergies and eczema and we avoid steroids due to bad reaction).
I would add for him to try a full oat bath for skin flare ups. So soothing. I was also thinking of motivational podcasts. You are what you think, so he could do with some positive inspiration and perhaps goal setting to revive his 'why' in life? There are some good pages on Instagram x

I'd reach out for help now from your parents. YOU need help and support too. You can't be your h's only source of support.

He needs to go to the GP, be honest, and ask for urgent help.

He should prob give therapy etc another try instead of dismissing it, and antidepressants might be sensible too.

Good luck.

OP you are so calm and strong about all this. Next week though, you’ll need to put all your energy into you and the baby.

Could your DH get signed off for his mental health so his pat leave doesn’t kick in until later? Does it even work like that?

Anti-depressants would be worth trying. Some are designed specifically for anxiety. I’ve never found they took long to kick in. Only about two weeks max for me.

The NHS loves CBT. I’ve had it three times and it doesn’t work. I’ve found the NHS will push you into CBT even if you tick the other box for talking therapy. Mind are much more helpful as they’ll listen to what you want, what you want to achieve and offer alternative types of therapy - Gestalt was really good for me. And it’s surprising how much progress you can make in the sessions available.

Do you have space for the mums to come and stay? MH problems can make you very insular and inward looking. I think you’re going to need their help x

@Summerhillsquare Nope, this is a parents forum not a ‘mothers’ forum you realise! Read the tag line and all comments from the creators of MN…..for parents by parents.

Thank you all, I am quite surprised and relieved by the responses and detail you've offered. Very encouraging and kind of you.

I am not always so calm and patient! It's a good day and to be honest I'm learning a lot which is helping me be a support to him. But let's not pretend it's easy, I get my down days when I'm less understanding.

My mum will be with DC1 during and after the birth, yes we have space for her and we're lucky that both she and MIL would go above and beyond anything we ask. I just prefer mine around in this situation.

It's hard to know whether DH is better off having the load shared ie with our mums, or if he could do with incentive to look after others rn.

But yes I agree, we'll get on with the GP,anti depressants, support services - anything and everything we can get and that he'll accept. and I'll be encouraging.

I fo think in the case of OP, it is mothers and babies first. Other people are best placed to deal with her DH, his anxiety and depression. OP needs to put herself and her children first, no matter what that means for her DH. That is at least what I have learnt over the past few weeks. I tried, I really did. We talked over fears, wrote do do lists, contingency planning etc to try and deal with the anxiety. All it did was stress me out and meant that neither of us were sleeping, I was getting angry as I wanted to concentrate on my kids and in the end it not helping at all. There is support available that is not as severe as what my DH had to have. It's just he was not in a place to access it. Hopefully OP's dh will be able to access help but at the end of the day, she and her children come first.

and we're lucky that both she and MIL would go above and beyond anything we ask.
OP would your mil take charge of DH? As your mum will be concentrating on you, would she be able to be around for him? Just in terms of talking to him, calling support services, getting him to eat properly etc?

My eczema flared up really bad for over 12 months, I got an ear infection and went on antibiotics and my eczema cleared - turned out I had a skin infection! So I’d advise to check for that as it might provide some relief. And anti depressants can be a life saver for health anxiety, combined with seeing a psych and working on lessening reassurance seeking

It’s not in the interests of mother or baby for her husbands contrition to escalate.

I wasn’t aware it was a mother’s forum so thanks for that. I was wondering why it was called Mumsnet.

OP I’ve spoken about how I’m affected by MH personally but my DH is too. I know exactly what you mean about days when you’re understanding and considerate and days when you want to rip their head off have less patience.

PP’s suggestion of bringing MIL on board to look after DH is a good idea. With a new baby and all that entails, you’ll be having more of the less patient days. That’s only natural and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

Agree with PP regarding anti depressants. I have health anxiety and went through a bad time and they helped me massively. They can take a few weeks to work so it would be worth him getting them asap and realising it will take a few weeks. Then he can be on the waiting list for everything else.

I have had eczema due to an allergy so to have it as bad as he does sounds awful.

You do sound strong but you definitely need to look and your self and DC in all of this. So please speak to your midwife and see if there is any support for you. Even just to vent/speak to people on here might help.

Wishing you an easy birth and improvement in your DH circumstances

My adult DD had chronic eczema all over her. It’s incredibly debilitating and affects every aspect of your life. She’s now on an injection called dipilumab as she was also worried about steroids. It’s had an amazing effect on her both physically and mentally. Worth a chat to your GP or dermatologist OP.

Best of luck as it all sounds very stressful.