Had a baby, lost my friends

[sunshineintheafternoon]

In this case though it’s more - had a second baby and lost my friends

I know it isn’t exactly unusual to have another child after the first but for whatever reason I’m the only one in my friendship group from first time around who has done so.

It’s proved incredibly lonely as it’s hard in many ways having two children as it is but I’m now completely isolated! I’ve obviously tried the usual baby groups but I haven’t found actual friendships from them.

I suppose there is no real point to this thread other than a bit of a self indulgent pity party.

So have you lost your friends….as in They don’t want to be friends anymore….or that you now off work and they aren’t around to do things with ? Or something else?

Despite having a DP/DH to look after the DC's while you go out with your friends? Be aware that although they might ask about DC's out of politeness, going on about DC too much to childless people can become dull for them. Have you made yourself available to see them?

Sorry but what makes you think the second pregnancy caused your friends to leave you? What’s the correlation between that?

Yes I understand how you feel OP. I have a four year old and a one year old and I have grown apart from the majority of my friends. It used to really get me down but I think it is actually a very normal part of embarking on family life. Our priorities change, we are tired all the time, we need plenty of notice to arrange childcare.

In my case most of my friends just sort of 'backed off' when my children were born which I found hard. (I should say none of them had children themselves)

I've also tried to make friends through baby and toddler groups however most of the time this just seems to be lip service and when I try to make play dates the mums just aren't that bothered.

However now my eldest has started school I've made friends with the mums of his friends so it definitely does come

It's a bit shite tho at times so I get it x

Harder to do things with the children. I have tried but it’s difficult keeping up as the children from the first group are that bit older and more independent (as my eldest is) so I’m lagging behind with a pushchair.

It has obviously crossed my mind that they weren’t all that bothered about me in the first place! Still stings though.

Well yes that’s the way things often go….everything is harder with children in tow…..have meet ups without children….or meet up on a 1 to 1 basis…..it will swing round when the others have 2nd babies , if they do…..and sometimes friendships come to a natural end …particularly if all you had in common was your first babies……but it’s often hard to have much of a social life with little ones….even with good friends

What's actually happened? Have they stopped asking you to come out with them or have you stopped because it's more difficult?

Have they stopped inviting you to things or declining your invites?

No. You haven’t found your new friends yet.

Similar but opposite happened in my friendship group. All bar one person had a second DC, and so were catching up on mat leave, doing the baby thing again and didn't have much brain space left to organise further hangouts based around the older DC so suddenly our friend was kind of left behind. She very subtly mentioned it, in a wonderfully guiltless way and we all realise we'd been caught up in ourselves. It was innocent, if not incredibly thoughtless. We made sure to include her more again.

Fast forward a few years and the oldest are all at school together so we're back to hanging out en masse and noone really gives a thought to whether there's 1, 2 or even 3 smalls in a crew.

Any chance perhaps just having a quiet word might help?

Can't you see your friends for a night out without children? The majority of my friends don't have children and I've always seen them without my children.

Beans - thanks for explaining that. I don’t know if a quiet word would help at this stage to be honest. It’s a shame things have gone sour. Things like walking off while I’m putting dc2 in a pushchair and the like. Just makes you feel like a nuisance.

They are unlikely to have second babies - we’re all a similar age. It is sad as I worked really hard on those friendships and probably naively thought they would last.

I’ve found the same after having a second and unfortunately it is as a result of a number of my friends suffering fertility issues with baby no 2. We are all in our 40s but I was lucky enough to fall pregnant twice without much effort. They’ve been kind enough to be honest and say outright they found it hard being around me after suffering miscarriages and now seeing my baby. I understand but it’s still really hard to swallow. I had a traumatic birth and felt the absence of my closest mum friends. I still do as I now as I find myself on mat leave with a toddler and a newborn, and not much of a friend support network.

I think that may be the case for me in a couple of relationships, @Nightowl1234 . I feel for them but it’s been quite a mean exclusion.

@sunshineintheafternoon what ages are your first dcs? Are they likely to have a 2nd child? I’m in a different situation but relate, I’m late 30’s with much older kids and all of my friends are having dcs really late so late 30’s/early 40’s and likely to now just have one as a result of age.
I do think there’s a huge difference between having one child and having multiples (I have three ).

We are all parents and all find the juggle tricky but omg juggling 3 is obviously way more than dealing with 1 child . I’m fine with that , it’s what we wanted and are lucky but I do find it hard to relate sometimes and probably them with me..
Also my dcs are a lot older, like teenage older , and my friends with tiny dcs and babies are v judgemental of older dcs of naturally assume everything is super easy now my dcs are older when actually I’ve loads of challenges now and I’ve 3!!!! I am also tired and exhausted etc. I hear you though , my brother had my neice on her own for 4 years and said going from one to two was absolutely massive and felt like 1000 times the work. I just don’t think unless you are there you can relate at all.

Thanks @Thatsawrap1 . I definitely found it easier going from one to two. My second maternity leave was definitely busier but more isolated in some ways. Although we went to lots of groups I didn’t have that same group of people to message at 4am and that was hard but also I knew more what I was doing this time round.

But as my second dc has got older I’ve noticed my friends back away more and more. Maybe because she isn’t such a cute novelty any more but I can’t really pretend go know what’s going on. Maybe they wanted to drop me anyway.

A lot of friendships are 'of a time or circumstance' though - school mates, Unit mates, colleagues, and baby groups.

I think there is a difference between those deep connections you have with long standing friends, and the really helpful (at the time) but more surface friendships you have through your circumstances being the same at the same time. You'll go on to become friendly with parents at things your dc do, or different colleagues etc as time goes on.

What about friends you have had for a longer time, rather than the women you met as you happened to have a baby at the same time?

God I'm sorry OP

How old is your second baby?

How old is your first? My daughter is 3.5 and I still sometimes take her to toddler play groups, you need to get yourself to some of those and make some new friends x

@NewName24 - I don’t live where I grew up (or indeed spent most of my adult life) so don’t really have many local friends.

It is true you have friends at a different part of your life. I suppose I was just hopeful four years on we’d stand the test but I guess not.

@RedRobyn2021 I have never found baby or toddler groups massively helpful for actual friendship if I’m honest. Mostly as people tend to go with their NCT or equivalent!

That's pretty poor, in a decent friendship group people offer to help watch the older one while you catch up. I don't blame you for feeling fed up with them.

I was really hurt by it to be honest. More so as my eldest got so upset.

I had 2 under 2 and I get it

honestly go to a few baby classes…
I got lucky first time

i went to the newborns class (baby bells???) at hartbeeps and in the second session I met someone nice….we are basically friends because BOTH kids are similar ages.

We were talking and laughing about the fact both of us were like “you have a 2 year old too… okay we can be friends… first time mums need not apply”

we found a third member of the gang and honestly that’s cool for me…

a few of my mum friends wanted a second and I think it’s hard for them as bluntly them are jealous / sad about the fact they don’t have a second.
I try and see them 1:1 ie me and my oldest and leave baby at home…but it has changed more than one friendship which I was surprised about

I’ve been to loads thanks … I like them and they are a good way to break the day up but lasting friendships don’t really rise from them.

Message at 4am? 😳 This could be the reason.

Rather a mean retort given that to my knowledge I’ve done you no harm.

The 4am comment was not literal, it was more to illustrate we all went through the same newborn madness in early 2021. If I ever messages at an inappropriate time and they have been harbouring resentment for three and a half years it is possible that’s a reason, since that’s unlikely I’ll just assume it was a message trying to ‘catch me out.’