I’m surrounded by people who just don’t or can’t care about my feelings, what is going on?

[Justeveryone]

I lay in bed last night next to my partner with a heavy heart due to some bad feelings over something that happened in the past. It’s nothing that I can’t process but it got me thinking. I don’t bother telling anyone. My partner is trying to instigate sex despite me telling him that something is making me sad. He said I thought you told me that yesterday so why is it still making you sad. He literally never understands any of the way I feel. He wont do or say anything comforting. He wont understand why I don’t want to have sex. What I was thinking about was a memory from my marriage to my abusive ex and an incident that happened. I wanted a hug but he isn’t really interested unless there is some sexual ending. He turns over and huffs.
I think he is ASD.

Then there is my mum, I won’t talk to her either because we don’t have that relationship, emotions weren’t important, or should I say mine. Then there’s his parents, they are also emotionally not available. I am surrounded by emotionally unavailable people. Even my ex husband used me for his own benefit and had no care about my feelings.

Why is this happening? I just want someone to see me and care.

Get rid of the partner.

I agree with the post above. Stop banging your head against a brick wall.

It sounds like you need a professional counsellor. Lots of people are uncomfortable with meeting others emotional support needs, especially if they also need support themselves. If you are still sad about things that happened a long time ago and have previously discussed your issues with them then they may just have no more to give.

@MayaPinion is right . You need counselling to deal with past issues and establish boundaries with people in your life now

Im not asking my partner to meet my emotional needs I can process them on my own. But it would be nice to have someone to share them with and have them understand I don’t want sex this day because I don’t feel like it. You should be able to talk to your partner shouldn’t you?

Do you realise that the relationship you have with your parents is basically a blueprint for most of the relationships you engage in as an adult?

Having parents who never cared about your emotions wasn't your fault or your doing. However, it's very likely that you've never learned to expect more from people, which is why you ended up surrounding yourself with people like them, even when you had the chance to do things differently and to expect more.

I agree that you could benefit from counseling. You need to learn to stop expecting so little from the people in your life.
That doesn't mean you can change them. But it does mean that you can choose who gets to stay a part of your life, and who doesn't.

Get rid of your partner.

A decent man who loves and respects you should be able to comfort you when you need support rather than pester you for sex...

I would look at counselling, as people have already suggested.

It sounds like you were raised in an environment where your feelings and emotions were ignored and you are repeating the pattern by choosing partners who are also emotionally distant and who only focus on themselves and their needs.

Ah ok. Sorry I thought people were saying I need counselling to stop expecting support from people. @Girlmom35 that makes sense. I often don’t know if I’m asking too much or not enough then just feeling crap regardless. My partner isn’t a bad person but emotionally he isn’t aware. His brother is the same, they are very childlike and as I’ve grown over the past years he just isn’t.

I sometimes say I deserve more but people in my life family wise tell me it is selfish to think this way.

And this is exactly why you need counseling. To have a space to develop your own ideas and expectations, regardless of what your family thinks.

And automatically, once you find your own worth, you'll start to take distance from people who don't meet your needs, and find yourself drawn to people who are more in tune with you.

I’ve copied this from @Girlmom35 because I think it sums up what I’m feeling/have felt about a situation I’m dealing with at present. It may resonate with you?

“Having parents who never cared about your emotions wasn't your fault or your doing. However, it's very likely that you've never learned to expect more from people, which is why you ended up surrounding yourself with people like them, even when you had the chance to do things differently and to expect more.”

I internalised a lot of emotions as a kid because my parents were busy with my much younger siblings to take much notice of me, their first born. I have learned that actually folks/partners (male) struggle to understand how I might be feeling so I feel like you at times when I’m dealing with my worries. It’s lonely but if its what it is so I soldier on, alone. Chin up. Try not to dwell. You’re not the only one who struggles with an emotionally remote partner.

I also think you need to get yourself a counsellor and deal with your past feelings and hurts.
You partner obviously shouldn't nudge you for sex if you told him you were not feeling it. But otherwise - I think it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has your expectations, and thinks that "no one cares about their feelings".

People can down for a number of reasons, granted. But if it happens often and for a variety of reasons _ old and new hurts mixed in together, it will become really draining on people around you. They are not your therapists.

What I also find with people with your sort of expectations - is that its usually one sided. You seem to need/want for everybody around you - partner, your parents, his (??) parents to be your emotional support group. And that will continue to cause you unhappiness, because this is not a realistic expectation.

If I misunderstood and it's not a common occurrence with you - just tell him you need a hug.

Not one sided at all I’m a very open and caring person to all.

I think perhaps your family have led you to believe that it's normal to be treated like shit, which is how you ended up in an abusive relationship. Your current partner doesn't sound particularly nice either.

It's perfectly normal to expect your partner to provide you with comfort and caring when you are feeling sad (even if it is about something that happened a long time ago). You may need to be specific about what you need (a hug) though as a partner isn't a minf reader. You absolutely should be able to ask for a hug in bed with your partner without him expecting sex.

I do agree that if you are feeling as though you have long term stuff to work through that you should get some counselling. My ex had a huge chip on his shoulder coming from his childhood and I eventually burned out trying to emotionally support him over and over again as he wouldn't get support.

I share a child with my ex. My partner obviously knows this. There are difficulties along the way. It is what it is and we need to be open to communication. If it is too much for him then he should be open with me.

OP - your partner shouldn't press for sex if you are not feeling it.
And personally - i’d of course give a partner a hug if they were feeling down and mentioned it.
But if you want empathy for something specific that happened long time ago - i think the expectation is a bit off. Or, rather, misdirected.
You need to work out your past wounds with a therapist, not your partner.
As to being emotionally available - why would you even mention his parents? You are not their child.

It is in the past but it was triggered by my child who I share with my ex. I just meant in terms of wider family there is no one I can talk to for any advice etc.

Unfortunately nobody is interesting in my feelings either and I will not burden my adult DS with my problems. My job is to support him.
However I have a wonderful and beautiful, spiritual gay friend (male) who does listen and we share difficulties. I also have counselling. I have never been able to share anything like this with partners and now choose to live alone.
I would seek help outside of your relationship if I were you.

I don’t want any major help. I want a hug that doesn’t have to result in sex. A hug because it’s for me and he understands I feel a little sad. I don’t hug him looking for having my needs met. I don’t offer a hug to anyone looking to get something out of it.

You’re expecting a bit much to want your current partner’s parents to support you emotionally, especially with regards to issues stemming from your ex.

Your partner should not be pestering you about sex when you’re feeling down. That’s just wrong.

However, if for the second day straight you’re dwelling on hurt from your ex (rather than thinking of it from time to time), I think you definitely need counselling. Past emotional distress impacting your day to day life is a weight you don’t need.

They don’t even support their own son. So I don’t expect anything from them.

Look, I think we've established that you have certain needs and expectations for a relationship, which aren't being met.
I personally don't think you're asking too much. Some others may disagree. There is a thin line between needing emotional support from time to time, or needing so much emotional support that your partner feels like your therapist and isn't very inclined to keep filling that role for you, while you don't seek professional help.
I do feel that you would benefit from counseling, to help get over your past. Trigger or not, you shouldn't be this impacted by it anymore.
I also feel that a partner who pesters you for sex in those vulnerable moments is just downright wrong.

But most importantly: you expect a partner with a sliver of empathy. He isn't meeting those needs. Only you can decide what to do next.
Either you weigh this down, take his good sides under consideration and say: hey, I may not have a partner who offers emotional support. But I do have a partner who gives me XYZ and that's enough for me. I'll surround myself with other people for the emotional support and leave it at that.
Or you decide that it really isn't enough. In which case, if he won't or can't change for you, your only option is to leave him.

But staying in the middle, fixating on all which is lacking, but not actually taking any action yourself to change the situation, that isn't helping anyone.

I’m not crying in the corner emotionally a mess. My child had come back from contact with her dad and repeated some really terrible things to me that he had told her. Really personal awful stuff and yeah it got to me. I am a much stronger person now I’m 40 but I was once a terrified 20 year old and I do remember it sometimes and I feel grief for her.

All of this ^^

But I want to zoom in on this point:

I do feel that you would benefit from counseling, to help get over your past. Trigger or not, you shouldn't be this impacted by it anymore.

I had a terrible relationship with my exH and it caused a lot of trauma/anxiety/sadness while I was in the relationship and for a while after it ended. But I'm at a place now where he really doesn't cross my thoughts at all (I get this can't be the case for you since you share a child. I share children with my ex too but he's out of the picture). But if I do happen to reflect on anything from our relationship and/or how he treated our children, while I still think he is a vile and selfish person, it doesn't impact my emotions today. I no longer feel hurt, angry, or sad...I'm just indifferent to it now. I feel counseling could help you get there too.