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Original poster

Are cheaters ever actually sorry??

47 replies

Sofiathemug · 06/09/2024 09:12

Caught my OH at the weekend. Saw love heart emojis as he was texting while we were watching a film. Grabbed the phone and locked myself in the loo.

113 screenshots of messages - three meet ups last week - one planned for the next evening and texting and messaging while we were away for what should have been a nice weekend the week before.

I went to bed and went out first thing the next day. All day he’s messaging saying how sorry he is etc etc… when I get home he is distraught crying and begging - promising to do everything and anything blah blah blah

Since I didn’t immediately leave, he has got the idea I think that I won’t and it’s all carry on as usual.

The remorse seems to have waned already.

I was prepared to see how things would go but was expecting a bit more of an effort than this!

OP posts:
hildabaker · 06/09/2024 09:14

You poor thing, you must be in shock. Stop caring about what he thinks and does, and start planning about what you want. You are allowed to take your time, and think through your future. Do you own a home together?

rockingbird · 06/09/2024 09:19

He is only sorry he got caught! If you let this go I promise you there will be a next time. Walk away, not worth the headspace.

Biggaybear · 06/09/2024 09:22

Well, you've set your bar now. He now knows he can do it again & you'll forgive him.

Girlmom35 · 06/09/2024 09:23

There's a difference between being sorry they got caught and being genuinely remorseful of their actions.
The first is basically about them. They realise that cheating is now going to massively impact their life. They feel the consequences and are now understanding that they messed up. This is not remorse, nor empathy. Because as soon as they think they won't suffer any negative consequences and their life can continue like before, they no longer feel sorry.
Genuine remorse is about the damage they have inflicted on their partner. This doesn't happen for everyone. It requires empathy and a willingness to understand what their partner is feeling. If it happens, it's usually later on, when they are confronted with the long-term consequences of the betrayel on their partner. The loss of self-esteem, the anxiety, the constant fear of being hurt again, the self-doubt, ... Sometimes cheaters don't realise in advance how much damage they will cause. Sometimes it hits them afterwards.
I strongly believe that the only cheater you should consider staying with, is the latter.

ViciousCurrentBun · 06/09/2024 09:25

He is only sorry he got caught.

Leave him, no idea what your financial set up is, whose house, any children etc but I just wouldn’t stand to be second best and the humiliation.

Meeb · 06/09/2024 09:29

The trouble is, as much as it might be easy to guess, you'll never know exactly what's going on in someone else's head. Actions speak louder than words and for mine - he quickly went back to acting the same way as before if not worse, I suspect too because he thinks that just because I didn't leave straight away I won't.

Original poster
Sofiathemug · 06/09/2024 09:36

That’s all pretty much what I’m thinking - it’s like the Sunday crying and begging was in my head!!

Tbh things have not been great for a long time and I’ve just been plodding on - one of the reasons apparently (which I’ve said is BS)

Its just all a bit much to process

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/09/2024 09:45

rockingbird · 06/09/2024 09:19

He is only sorry he got caught! If you let this go I promise you there will be a next time. Walk away, not worth the headspace.

So true. He's sorry he got caught. Bastard.

hildabaker · 06/09/2024 09:45

Could you financially be alone OP?

eggandchip · 06/09/2024 09:46

For im worth more than being cheated on.
If someone really loves you and wants you why would they go else where why would they hurt you.
I was cheated on i was not staying with someone that would do it again been single years now.
I new if i said lets work on it he would have got away with it and do it again and im not going to be second best or constantly think whats he up to.

caringcarer · 06/09/2024 09:49

My exh was telling me he was sorry he cheated. I didn't believe him. He had just got a letter from my solicitor and realised how much worse off he'd be financially. We've been divorced for almost 20 years. When he recently told DS he was sorry he cheated and now realised he was stupid I tend to believe him because there are no advantages to him for making it up and lying about it.

Notreadytomakenice · 06/09/2024 09:52

A real apology is 'sorry' accompanied by changed behaviour.
I let my partner off too easy, also gave some stupid comments about how I could understand why he did it.... He took that as me accepting an equal share of blame, which it wasn't but my self esteem was soo low, I can see why it was seen as that.
Leave. If you can. It never gets back to what it was and will never be the love story you want.

AnonAnonmystery · 06/09/2024 11:20

Cheaters are only sorry they got caught.

Sorry this happened to you but I think you already know what you need to do.

it doesn’t sound like you have kids which makes it a lot easier not to hesitate to leave.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 06/09/2024 14:01

Sorry you're going through this.

My ExH told me he was sorry - the first time. He promised me he'd never do it again and we went to Relate. I decided not to walk away for the sake of our two DDs. Big mistake!

The week before DD3 was born, he started another affair (I found the emails between them) and he left for the OW when DD3 was 14wks old.

I wish I'd left the first time.

Do you have any DSc?

Original poster
Sofiathemug · 06/09/2024 15:11

one DC with important year ahead at school is the only reason I didn’t pack my bags at the weekend

sorry to hear all these other sad tales

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 06/09/2024 15:37

If I was in your position then I would start getting my ducks in a row for as soon as your DC has finished their exams.

You H doesn’t seem to be remorseful and has an actual discussion been had about his wrong doing and how he will stop seeing the ow?

ginasevern · 06/09/2024 16:28

No, men are never sorry for cheating. But they are sorry about some aspects of it such as getting caught, having to pay maintenance, no longer having their cake and eat it, having to hear their wife banging on about it.

Franticbutterfly · 06/09/2024 17:24

I'm so sorry this has happened. I've been there twice myself with my husband. Obviously based on the fact my husband has cheated twice, it would point to that he was not sorry the first time. Second time was more than just sexual, it was emotional and they saw each other every day for months (albeit at work, but they spent a lot of time together). So I think he is sorry? No, I think he just got away with again. If you have the option to leave, I would. The pain of stay is absolutely unrelenting, last time it lasted over 2 years, then we had a marvellous 3 years and then out of nowhere he did it again. I should've left the first time, I'm in no position to now.

MsDogLady · 06/09/2024 23:49

Sofia, I’m very sorry for your trauma.

Your faithless Partner has a Girlfriend, and he is not at all remorseful. Besides all the messaging, they’ve had dates and planned for more, and he was telling her he adores her while sitting next to you watching the film and during your holiday. That is brutal.

He has chosen to shit on you and your child from a great height. You nor the marriage caused him to act single and cheat with this OW. It was his responsibility to protect his fidelity, and he had a range of ethical options to use to deal with any issues.

I agree that his crocodile tears/promises were angst for himself and manipulative damage control, not authentic remorse for injuring and betraying you. All that has waned because he is confident that you’re going nowhere, and he believes any consequences will be minor or nonexistent. His poor efforts show that he is a very poor candidate for reconciliation, and personally it would be game over for me.

Sofia, I would send him away for a while so you can weigh your options. He needs to feel the loss of you and you need space.

You would be foolish to even consider staying unless he takes full responsibility and makes huge consistent efforts to restore your trust, including: providing a complete timeline and details of the romance; cutting contact with OW and ending the affair in your presence; patiently taking your rage, tears and questions; providing open access to all devices and statements; examining his selfishness and weak boundaries that led to his cheating and lying; and changing jobs if she is a colleague.

Keep posting for support, Sofia.

AnonAnonmystery · 07/09/2024 09:52

@Sofiathemug please do not think you are a mug. You trusted your husband, that’s normal in a relationship. What he’s done is break this and all the fall out from it.

I’ve been there in terms of a cheating H. Luckily for me I wasn’t devastated and I did actually buy a new home and move with our DC when older DD was in the final year of GCSE’s. She did brilliantly, I won’t lie, was tough on her in particular but we got through it. You will find your way. keep using this thread for support in whatever you want to do.

guadalupe4151 · 07/09/2024 23:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MsDogLady · 08/09/2024 21:42

…it’s all carry on as usual.

This is disturbing, Sofia. Please don’t allow him to sweep his betrayal, which would further harm you.

You need answers. As the injured party, you can set your recovery requirements. If he won’t address his infidelity, and he doesn’t work on his deficiencies and make definitive efforts to help you heal, you will be in a false reconciliation and a destructive rot will corrode your relationship.

What are you thinking now, Sofia? How are things going?

Original poster
Sofiathemug · 09/09/2024 17:25

I’m still here. I’ve made it clear that carry on as normal is not happening. He’s offered to answer any question etc etc - tbh I’m not interested in all the details. Regardless of all of that and even if more of an effort is made I just can’t see me getting past it. I’m not making any rash moves for sake of DC for the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sofiathemug · 17/09/2024 22:27

Well, have now endured the horror of STI test - made him go - positive - and have now had to go myself - numb

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 18/09/2024 04:29

He is STI positive? So his affair was both physical and emotional. Not only did he steal your agency and mock your marriage, but he risked your health and has possibly infected you. I am very sorry, @Sofiathemug.

That would be it for me. I could never continue with such a sordid, duplicitous cheat who has shown monumental disrespect for my child and me, and would still be doing so.

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