Are cheaters ever actually sorry??

[Sofiathemug]

Caught my OH at the weekend. Saw love heart emojis as he was texting while we were watching a film. Grabbed the phone and locked myself in the loo.

113 screenshots of messages - three meet ups last week - one planned for the next evening and texting and messaging while we were away for what should have been a nice weekend the week before.

I went to bed and went out first thing the next day. All day he’s messaging saying how sorry he is etc etc… when I get home he is distraught crying and begging - promising to do everything and anything blah blah blah

Since I didn’t immediately leave, he has got the idea I think that I won’t and it’s all carry on as usual.

The remorse seems to have waned already.

I was prepared to see how things would go but was expecting a bit more of an effort than this!

Obviously the bastard didn't even use a condom. Most cheaters don't. It's unforgivable to put your partner at risk. OP, this man is not safe to be with. He doesn't even care enough about you to wrap his dick. I've been there and I am so very sorry. I hope your test is negative.

Nasty man. He needs to leave. Be prepared for The Script. Be honest with your child about what has happened. It will be better than living with simmering, festering parents. It will get better.

@Sofiathemug so sorry to hear this but it’s as suspected, it went deeper than an emotional affair and it’s a complete disrespect he’s put you at risk like this. Coupled with the fact he was getting dounlblr helpings and sounds like she was too!
You must be all over the place with this latest bombshell. I suppose for now it’s taking it day by day while you process it. Keep using this for support as harder in real life to speak to someone though at this point I would recommend it. When are you going for the test?

Yes, but in my experience, it's more because they realise they have fucked their lives up than because they cheated on their spouse.

Agree 100%.

Sorry you've gone through this OP. I've been in this situation more than once and I am currently going through it right now (just a different version).

One thing I will say is that, women in general seem to automatically say "get rid of him, cheaters are only sorry when they get caught" which definitely can be true. But alot of these women aren't speaking from experience for a start, and also haven't been in the position of 'only being sorry when caught'.
I would honestly only take any advice from people who have lived it.

Additionally, I've read posts on here where women say "oopsie I cheated on my husband" and almost all replies say 'ahh sweep it under the rug'. Yet when a man even mentions it, women absolutely rip him to shreds.

All I'm saying is to be mindful of certain feedback/responses.

I've experienced, first hand, people change their entire lives after cheating on someone. They have become a totally different person, with more empathy than ever before. People really can be sorry and can change.

On the other hand, some people really do not change because they are not ready to, and nobody can make or influence them.

It is entirely up to you how you move forwards. Loads of people told me to take some time alone and it absolutely helps, it's invaluable. You can't see clearly when you're in a state of rage and hurt. It will become clear what to do.

Im not sure what you're feeling but please do not internalise any of this. None of it is your fault. Ever. It's a choice they made, regardless of what reason they may give.

💐

Thanks for the replies - no idea if I’m positive but had to have the treatment anyway and have to go a second time if it’s positive

I’m really angry about this but glad in some way that there has been this awful repercussion for him - he is mortified - more about the STI than the cheating I think - but regardless I’m pleased he is

Still processing it all - pretty calm considering

After this latest blow he’s really on the back foot and no longer has any expectations I can get past it which is also good

so my test was positive and now have to go back to see if the treatment worked - double humiliation

life going on as usual but separately iykwim

realising now that I am actually not too bothered at all and that I checked out some time ago as a result of dickhead behaviour

making plans in my head for after exams

the only sad thing is that I feel I don’t ever want another man in my life…..

Damn! I am so sorry he gave you an STI. Been there.
You may feel differently about having a relationship at some point. Remember that you have to heal from this one first. I am mostly healed (I doubt anybody heals 100% from such a major betrayal) but not interested in another relationship. I find I prefer the freedom of being single. You might find that as well.

I'm so sorry, OP. I've been where you are except my STI test was negative. Don't worry about not wanting another man, that desire may come back in time but not until your heart heals.

I know you're planning to stay for the time being and for you that might be the right decision, but I couldn't stay another minute. To directly answer your question, in my experience the type of man who could do this cares only about being caught, and will do it again if the opportunity arises. In my case he remarried after our divorce and cheated on her, too.

I remarried and have been happily married to a wonderful man for decades. Good luck and understand that your emotions will be a rollercoaster. Be patient with yourself and you will get through this.

Oh @Sofiathemug I am so sorry to hear this. However, I am glad you are not devastated. Maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet because on the surface it all looks “normal” for the sake of your dc.
However my advice to you is

1. No not let your H know any of your plans
2. get your ducks in a row from now
3. start taking steps to make yourself more financially independent
4. take time out for you. Do something that makes you feel good and do it on a regular basis

Is Your H still continuing his affair now it’s out in the open. Make you you allocate him childcare duties to make life a bit uncomfortable for him so he doesn’t have the freedom to see her. Not that you want him anymore but still ..,,

No, he’s not still seeing her - definitely not - she is raging - I’ve seen the messages.

I plan on doing all of the things you suggest - I’m actually feeling pretty empowered - he’s on the back foot and on best behaviour - actually being nice to me and DC - she’s raging and I am not!

I had a partner like this they do this because of deep-seated issues just him saying sorry isn’t going to be enough -he’s going to do it again and again and again and your heart is going to be broken again and again and again leave now and do yourself a favour -don’t be like me
he obviously craves attention and affection elsewhere. He is a liar and deceitful those things don’t change overnight.

Pretty down tonight - this is the third time I’ve been totally betrayed by someone I trusted. Two cheaters and a work colleague of years who stabbed me in the back.

Is it me?

Just feeling what have I done to deserve this….

Fed up ☹️

Phones make people weak. They make peoples attention go the wrong way. It's sadly what phones have caused. I have no idea if people love you when they can so easily give someone else their time.

What I do believe is that if someone is flirting and messaging and cheating then you are not the person that's on their mind. That's just genuinely a shit truth. He has you amd you have all the body parts he needs and I'd like to think he's with you because of your personality too. So he's making a choice to give his sexual energy and positive energy to someone else. That to me is unforgivable. That's not love.

There's more unloyal people in this world than loyal when it comes to relationships. Its not you. Your just one of the loyal decent humans left

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Disagree with previous posters that more people are disloyal than loyal, although perhaps I'm naive.

Build on your strength and be single for a while. You don't deserve this and you're better off without him and the other past cheat in your life x

So sorry being cheated on is awful
im wondering why she is so angry
does she think she caught it from him!

yes she does - she doesn’t know about me and thinks all the time he was unavailable (at home) he was with others ….

suppose he might have been!

So he has been at it with multiple women and has infected both you and this girlfriend. Pathetic and lowest of the low.

@Sofiathemug, if it’s true that she doesn’t know about you and your child, I would tell her so she will be fully informed of the extent of his moral bankruptcy.

@Sofiathemug didn’t she know he was married or have I got the wrong end of the stick?

I am sorry you feel down. It comes in waves I’m afraid and no it’s not your fault.

Yeah, she didn’t know he was married it seems. I am not involving myself with her. She’s made threats. I’m not putting myself up for any of that!