My brother is upset at me because I refuse to be alone with his wife at the hospital. How do I make him get over himself ?

[vito657]

For info, I am married myself. I've been married to my wife for 8 years.

My brother and his wife have been married for 4 years.

Me, my wife and most of my family get along just fine with my brother's wife but I am personally not close to her. I am not friends with her on Facebook, I never get in touch with her outside of seing her at family gatherings or outings. My wife is not friends with her ether as she has her own friends already so she doesn't feel the need to be friends with my brother's wife. Overall I don't really care about my brother's wife. I don't hate her but I don't love her either.

But recently, my brother's wife had a major surgery (not gonna say what surgery because it's personal) and she is been hospitalized since the end of last week.

Me and my wife along with my brother have been visiting her at the hospital to keep her company but just yesterday, this is where the petty conflict happened.

My brother was busy. He had a meeting that he couldn't miss and my wife was also working late so I got home and I was alone. I made some food and I was generally minding my own business but my brother called me to ask me if I was home. I told him yes I was in fact home and he asked me to be with his wife at the hospital but I told him my wife wasn't home and she won't be home until late at night but he gave me a snarky response saying "so what ? I have a meeting that I can't miss and I don't want my wife to be alone"

I argued with him but kept my tone as respectful as possible and I said that if my wife is not with me, I am not going and if I was him I would call his wife's family members or friends so they could be with her.

I guess he got mad at me because he unexpectedly hung up on me.

Later on my wife got home and I talked to her about this and she said that it was kinda of petty to refuse to be alone with my brother's wife for an hour I could've done it for my brother at least but I told her that I am not friends with his wife, we aren't that comfortable with each other so I don't feel comfortable with being alone with her.

But I talked to my other younger brother about this and he is on my side and my brother number one also asked my younger brother for this favour but he also said no.

How do I make my brother get over himself? It's up to him to take care of his wife at the end of the day. I got my wife and he got his.

I think you’ve been a bit of a dick to be honest, and I hope you never find yourself in a position where you need your family to help you or your wife. I’m not my BIL’s bestest friend ever, but if he was alone in hospital and my sister asked me to go sit with him on the one occasion she couldn’t I wouldn’t think twice about it.

This can't be real. You were being massively unreasonable.

Have you done anything to offer to help your brother /his wife since the surgery?

Useless relatives when someone is ill are top of my shit list right now.

Honestly you need to ask? What a selfish so & so you are. Goodness me.

I am not that comfortable with my brother's wife. I forgot to say it but we also have a few sisters. Perhaps he could've asked our sisters but even they aren't friends with my brother's wife so I don't know if they would accept.

The other option would be to call his wife's family.

I wouldn’t have gone either in your position. Your sister in law isn’t a child so I’m sure she’d be alright with no visitors for one day. Plus, she might have welcomed the peace without needing to make conversation. Just because your brother didn’t want her alone doesn’t mean she didn’t want to be. It sounds like you have been to visit her so it’s not like you’ve ignored it or not made an effort.

I think you have a shitty attitude. I’m not ‘friends’ with my SIL & BIL and their spouses but if any of them were still in hospital following major surgery I would absolutely be quite capable and willing to visit them in hospital without my DH in tow. What is an hour of your time to pop in, maybe take a small gift like a magazine/puzzle book/whatever, and some snacks for her, and have a quick chat?

Remember what goes around comes around and you may regret your attitude one day.

Why and how do people believe these stories are real and give legit answers 😭

Why would it be ok for your sisters to help out for an hour but not you?

You sound like a really, really horrible person.

Are you male or female? If you’re male, and not that friendly with her, she would probably have felt uncomfortable in hospital, presumably vulnerable and in a nightie or something, with you by her bedside.

I am a man.

Exactly what I was thinking.
The writing style and language used is identical to a post that was deleted yesterday, too.

I'm with you OP.
I don't understand why your sil neede a visitor.
You've been supportive but sitting beside the bed of someone I'm not close too would be odd to me.
But if I was the SIL I wouldn't want you there!
We're all different.

This. I get on well enough with my BiL but wouldn’t really fancy him visiting me in hospital alone. It would be an effort and a bit awkward. I’d completely get it if he didn’t want to come!

You only visit sick people in hospital on your own, when YOU feel comfortable with the person?

Is your SIL in a private room?

Are you scared that she'll attack you when you're alone with her in the private room?

Does she have previous for GBH?

Are you scared that she'll try to do you emotional or mental harm when it's just the two of you in the private room?

I'm pretty sure she would have preferred one of her own relatives to go visit with her if she was unwell rather than her BIL who she's not close to. Especially if it were something like a gynae op where I'd definitely only want my own mum and sister visiting me if DH couldn't come. But your DB is obviously worried about her enough to ask you to visit. I'd call him and offer an olive branch and ask if there's anything you can help with whilst she's in hospital (school pickup, grocery shopping etc) if you're not planning to visit.

Did your brother's wife even want you there?!

The last thing I would want is to be ill, in hospital, vulnerable, potentially not properly dressed if she has drains / catheter etc, and have my husbands brother there trying to make conversation or whatever. It's not fair for him to expect her to be expending energy on that when she needs to be recovering.

I wouldn't want someone who I am not close to visiting me in hospital.

I am afraid that she will attack me but while we are civil to each other, we aren't friends.

If you had gone what would you have done during the visit? Sounds like your virtually strangers. Visit her and spend an hour or so on your phone? Personally I think visiting on hospital is a strain on everyone.

I'm with you too OP. I wouldn't want to be alone at the bedside of my BIL after he'd had a personal kind of surgery either and I think your DB is being an arse. Yes, it's nice to have visitors every day, but I was in hospital after having, say, gynaecological surgery, I think I'd rather be alone than have my BIL sat awkwardly by my bed trying to make polite conversation. What your DB was asking of you is not appropriate and the fact that your younger DB also said 'No' underlines that.

I don't think you're being selfish or a dick. This is not someone you're particularly close to, and, as you point out, thete were plenty of other people your brother could have asked of he were really bothered about his wife beunv alobe. Or he could have cancelled his bl@@dy merting ( or not have scheduled it in the first place).

Also, if you've just has a major op, I doubt you want someone you're not that close to sat there gawping while you try to make conversation when you'd rather just be left alone.

The writing style (always a hint of Americanisms) plus the sheer level of detail and the nice paragraphing is always the giveaway. The majority of real posters don’t include so much backstory or take time to format everything. All of this plus the neatly wrapped up final question ‘how do I make him get over himself’ designed to rile people up.

Also, doesn't your SIL have any family or friends to visit her? Why is assumed that your family will do all the visiting?

Why does she need someone there? I'm confused about this. I don't see any reason why you should go. If it was something like she needed a lift home from hospital and your brother couldn't do it then I would have said you were being unreasonable but just to go and visit her? No, of course you don't have to. And why would she want someone she doesn't know very well and doesn't particularly get on with to visit her in hospital?