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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cancel a wedding

75 replies

Mummyto4WM · 04/09/2024 21:55

Hi ladies,
Has anyone ever cancelled a wedding? If so, what do I even tell people?

So, after posting on here previously, I decided to postpone the wedding, whilst we worked on some relationship challenges. However, I'm now clear in my own mind, I want to cancel the wedding and leave the relationship.

It's the embarrassment and feeling of failure with my family and friends.. that kept me in the relationship so long.

Now what do I tell them?

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 05/09/2024 20:27

You don't actually owe anyone an explanation op. You owe yourself a future and a fulfilling life. You can't have that with this guy and I think it's great that you value yourself enough to know that. I'd just send out a notice saying that you've decided to cancel the wedding as soon as possible. If you do it now it's soon enough that most people won't have spent money towards it hopefully. All you need to say if someone asks is that he turned out not to be the person you thought he was and you don't want to discuss it. I agree with pp who said that others close to you probably will be relieved on your behalf.

Storynanny1 · 05/09/2024 20:31

Go with your gut feeling, everyone important to you will support you
I wish I’d been brave and strong 43 years ago, I’d have avoided years of abuse if I had.
There was a thread about a year ago on a similar topic but as far as I remember she didn’t come back and say what she’d decided. I think about her occasionally when I’m on mumsnet and hope she’s ok

vincettenoir · 05/09/2024 20:38

I think it’s not actually that uncommon to cancel a wedding. Lots of people know people it’s happened to. And I guess because it’s already been postponed the guests are probably not going to think it’s a real shocker. They will likely just want to support both you in whatever way they can. I think this must feel enormous right now but you’ll move on from it and look back and be proud of your bravery.

meltedchocolateandstrawberries · 05/09/2024 20:40

I cancelled my wedding when I was 24. Best decision I ever made but the scariest. I'm so glad I did because we definitely would've ended up divorced. I knew in my gut that we weren't right for each other. We'd booked the venue and I had my dress but that was it.

something2say · 05/09/2024 20:42

Cancelling is not the problem - cancelling is the solution!!

Assuming you decide to mail out cards this weekend, what next? Do you live with him?

Start making a list of what's next for you - new home, relaxing finally, doing things you haven't been able to do, bit of journalling to get your head straight, more journalling to understand why you have let it get so far and not dug your heels in - few good days at work now you are not so worried about things - nights out with some friends, little weekend away by yourself?

I've split with some partners and been SO relieved - it's a massive reset in your life - you get the chance to start again - AND you get however long you are single to BE single - do what you want when you want - until the time you fall in love again.

Congratulations and well done - you MUST look after yourself as no one else will - you are doing so here - well done xxxxx

Katkins17 · 05/09/2024 20:47

Sweetheart...cancel it and hold your head high.

I knew I didn't want to marry my ex. He'd cheated on me whilst living several hundred miles a way...but I reluctantly patched things up and we got married. I was only 21...far too young.

I did have my 2 gorgeous boys, who I'll be eternally grateful for, but it was a sad,long and painful marriage....

You can't get time back .... don't feel bad...feel liberated!!!

sleepdeprivationismyname · 05/09/2024 21:18

Cancel it, hold your head high, and create a new, better life for yourself.

A close friend did this 3 weeks before a wedding that was never going to work. Best decision she ever made. The logistics were tricky, some vendors were fully paid for, some she had to pay, some she just walked away with the deposit gone. She went into debt to cover it, but she paid it off and is completely free now. She told her family and friends, he told his. They sent back any presents they had received. Again, toxic in law situation so she was just relieved to never have to deal with them again. Create a vendors list, tell your family/friends, try to make spreadsheets and remove emotion. Just make it a process. If you have a trusted bridesmaid or parent that will help you, lean on them. All of my friend's true friends only wanted her to be happy. No one cared about the wedding being canceled except some older family members, and 5 years later even they have long since given up caring. Now it is something we laugh about as a dodged bullet. There is no shame, the worst thing you could do is marry someone because it's scheduled. Onwards and upwards x

H112 · 06/09/2024 00:52

Well done op xxx

SunflowerTed · 06/09/2024 03:25

You deserve so much better. You sound lovely and he sounds like a head wrecker is go would be very difficult to get rid off if you were married! Set yourself free and hold your head up high!

Ponderingwindow · 06/09/2024 03:38

You are more likely to find your family and friends are relieved. Often people bite their tongues when they see someone making a mistake and marrying someone awful because the consequences of saying something and the marriage proceeding anyway are so high.

Italiangreyhound · 06/09/2024 03:51

My friend went through with a wedding she knew was wrong. It ended in heartache, and divorce. So, I'd say, be brave, talk to your fiance and then tell everyone else, privately. you don't owe anyone an explanation, just the facts that you wish to share.

Good luck.

PolaroidPrincess · 06/09/2024 07:26

I do feel like this is 100% the right thing. I was fearful of people saying I told you so, or asking questions I didnt want to answer. I am hurting but I wanted to do the right thing before it's too late.

Even if they did say "I told you so" then at least you're free if him, he sounds vile. And it's much better to be free of him now than a few years down the line.

If they do ask questions that you don't want to answer just be honest and tell them that you're not up to answering that right now, you've been through a lot and it wasn't an easy decision to make.

I hope that you find the courage to do it. It sounds as though you'll never be happy with him.

badgerpatrol · 06/09/2024 14:01

Congratulations!
You are not a failure, you are a hero!
A lot of us regret marrying the wrong person, you are so smart to avoid that trap.

If anyone gives you any shit (I really doubt they will) they obviously don't know the whole situation.

Be careful of him though, a jilted, abusive man is dangerous, take precautions to avoid being hurt by him

kayla12345 · 07/09/2024 02:54

I think it sounds like he's been cheating and it's over now but they've been caught out

He won't want you going out in case someone tells you what's gone one.
Some people will assume you know. His friends will be disappointed in him.

Move you money and check this phone at your earliest opportunity

CheeseWisely · 07/09/2024 03:13

Hi OP. As someone who didn't cancel a wedding that she definitely should have, I'd be very impressed by your strength of mind and proud of you for doing the best for you (I am proud of you, and I don't even know you!).

I'm certain your family and friends will be on your side. Let him sort his own side out.

Wishing you all the best x

SpiderGwen · 07/09/2024 03:27

Congratulations! That’s such a positive step - you’re showing you value and respect yourself, and you’re choosing a more optimistic future. If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you.

I bet your friends and family will be cheering you on. I suspect quite a few have had their fingers crossed that you’d do this.

TripleSeptic · 08/09/2024 18:16

Are there bookings etc to cancel? I'd write a list and contact suppliers one by one. If you haven't got a dress, you might not have other arrangements made, so it's just a case of exiting the relationship. I don't think your partner will very surprised from what you've said. Do you live together? I'd cancel all the practical stuff before I'd mention to him, so you don't get sucked in with "but what about the venue/honeymoon booking/ commitments we've made" then you can say you've already sorted it and it's done.

sadmillenial · 09/09/2024 04:44

i cancelled my wedding when i was 31, 3 months before the day and after all the Save the Dates had gone out. Absolutely bricked it, but every message i got from my friends and family were basically "oh thank god, he was awful" and every message i got from his side was "nooo, surely you can work it out?"

embarrassing for a week, but saved a lifetime of misery. worth it, would do it again

lifesrichpageant · 09/09/2024 05:34

OP, a close friend of mine called off her wedding many years ago. I was bridesmaid and put in charge of phoning some of the guests to let them know it was cancelled (this was pre-internet/email!).

I was overwhelmed by the feedback - so many people showed love and concern, and also expressed how proud they were of her for not going through with it! MANY of the women said things like, "tell her she's my hero!" and "she is so brave!" etc.

You are doing the right thing 1000000%

Mumtobabyhavoc · 09/09/2024 05:38

You don't owe an explanation, that's for sure! A simple message is all that's needed:
Regret to inform you we will not be proceeding with the wedding. Please accept our apologies for any and all inconveniences. We thank you in advance for your love and support.

ETA if not planned yet, date set, invites out, what have you, then you don't need to do anything but pack your things and leave. It's just a break up. He's the one that should be embarrassed, not you, honey.

Mumdiva99 · 09/09/2024 05:42

I had to do it as we split up. Actually cancelling the wedding is the easy bit. (Those who love you provably know why anyway and want the best for you.)
It's the splitting up, moving out and moving on that was tougher. But I got there.....

RawBloomers · 09/09/2024 06:03

If you don’t currently have a date for the wedding you don’t have to think about canceling it yet - focus on freeing yourself from him.

Then the wedding cancelation just takes the form of telling people you’ve broken up.

Do you live with him? Have you bought a house together or entangled your finances? Concentrate on getting this side of things sorted out. It can be difficult enough. But move on. The wedding, despite how big it’s loomed in your life, is a side show. Start looking forward to the rest of your life instead of letting the emotions you are feeling about the wedding paralyze you. Make plans for living without his alcoholism dictating your life, for the possibility of a decent sex life, to being around people who make you happy. Start thinking about what your life should be like and focus on making it like that. Stop worrying about canceling the wedding, once you’ve broken up that will seem quite straightforward.

EigerTheTiger · 09/09/2024 06:07

I admire your courage.

And so will the people who matter to you.

Sticklebrrick · 09/09/2024 06:30

I also had a friend who did this. She cancelled about three days before the wedding and everyone who knew her was very proud of her and impressed.

Doggymummar · 09/09/2024 06:41

My friend was jilted. Don't do that. Cancel now whilst you can. You say it's not till December so the invites won't have been sent yet, that's a blessing. I hope he takes it well and you can unravel your lives straight forwardly. Best of luck

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