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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cancel a wedding

75 replies

Mummyto4WM · 04/09/2024 21:55

Hi ladies,
Has anyone ever cancelled a wedding? If so, what do I even tell people?

So, after posting on here previously, I decided to postpone the wedding, whilst we worked on some relationship challenges. However, I'm now clear in my own mind, I want to cancel the wedding and leave the relationship.

It's the embarrassment and feeling of failure with my family and friends.. that kept me in the relationship so long.

Now what do I tell them?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 05/09/2024 09:07

Good for you.
You are certain so cancel. You will get family support. Your family and friends love you unconditionally.

A local wedding planner might use your planning and bookings, or a newly engaged person wanting to marry.
You should not be too much out of pocket.

My friend had two broken engagements before settling on a much better match.

HerewegoagainSS · 05/09/2024 09:07

If you were my sister, cousin, niece etc I would be cheering and proud of you, not saying you are a failure.

cherrysonata · 05/09/2024 09:13

I suspect a lot of people won't be as surprised as you think. Good for you in taking control. You will never regret it.

Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 09:14

I would admire anyone I knew who had the gumption to do this.

i helped a friend cancel her wedding back in the days before email and mobiles — and there were nearly 200 guests. At least be glad you can notify all guests much more easily! I had to phone hundreds of people, because it was too short notice to write!

Chin up, OP. This was not the act of a ‘failure’, but the act of someone intelligent and gutsy, with a healthy sense of self-protection. Make sure you do something nice, solo or with friends, on your non-wedding day. My friend and I went wildcamping somewhere beautiful, and did a lot of drinking and singing around a bonfire.

RollerRunner · 05/09/2024 09:23

I suspect people will have an inkling at the very least that he isn't the best catch in the world.

However even if it wasn't obvious he was a dick I wouldn't think anything bad if someone cancelled a wedding. It's a million times better than getting a divorce.

I don't know why you are embarrassed. You shouldn't be. You've made a genuine mistake - that's what happens in life. It's one of things and you are sorting it out.

BettyBardMacDonald · 05/09/2024 09:44

You just say "we've decided to go our separate ways."

No one will be surprised or aghast. They'll go on with their own lives and not give it much thought after a few days.

carrotcard · 05/09/2024 09:46

Do you have a friend/bridesmaid/mum who can take care of this for you?

ComeAgainPlease · 05/09/2024 09:49

if they were close enough to be invited to your wedding then they are close enough to respect your decision without an explanation required

FeedingThem · 05/09/2024 10:01

Mummyto4WM · 05/09/2024 07:40

Thank you all! I felt like a failure cancelling the wedding but you've all made me see it differently. Thank you.

I never wanted to marry him, but went along with it, hoping things would get better but they got worse. He lies to me about everything, and blames me saying I put him under pressure

He's got ED, because he drinks excessively. He secretly drinks whenever my back is turned. And then blames me for making him feel stressed.

He has no empathy at all. I recently dealt with a really distressing murder at work. He didnt even ask me how I was, he said I hope you're okay and proceeded to talk about his day. I didn't sleep for days, and informed him I wouldn't be making a family party as I was in no fit mental state to go. He accused me of punishing him by not attending the party with him

He slagged me off to his family, earlier this year. They've been venomous to me ever since. He admitted to me the things he told his family about me, were a lie, because his self esteem was low, and he wanted then to back him, over me.

I do feel like this is 100% the right thing. I was fearful of people saying I told you so, or asking questions I didnt want to answer. I am hurting but I wanted to do the right thing before it's too late.

Sounds to me like your loved ones will be thinking "thank God!!"

mindutopia · 05/09/2024 12:19

The people in your life will be thrilled. They will have been worrying about you and probably not sure how to talk to you about their concerns. They’ll be relieved to hear you’re doing the best thing for you.

If you can’t bear to deal with the logistics of it all, draft in someone close to you to handle the actual cancelling.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/09/2024 12:20

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. It’s not right for you. Cancel and walk away.

Or marry because of embarrassment and go through a messy, expensive divorce in 5 years, possibly with kids involved.

WhereAreMyRunningShoes · 05/09/2024 12:25

OP - I was in your shoes last year, sadly I went through with the wedding and things are still as bad as they ever were. I bitterly regret not being brave at the time and sticking to my guns.

Bite the bullet, tell one person, be that your best friend, mum, sister - anyone and get them to tell everyone else. You will feel so much better when it’s done.

OhWell45 · 05/09/2024 13:56

I'd just say " we have decided to separate and have cancelled the wedding".

Have some stock answers at hand for people who pry.

Is personal and I don't want to discuss it.
Id prefer to keep things private.
He's a lying wanker and I don't want to ever see him again... (Joking)

Trust me. It's much better to cancel now than divorce after the wedding. I went through with the wedding. We separated almost immediately after. He made huge admissions/ confessions literally the day after. Anyhow, it took me 3 years to divorce him after and £2k. That's without any joint assets.

pikkumyy77 · 05/09/2024 13:58

Imagine all the best/worst ways of notifying everyone and then laugh and send one group email.

Skywriting NOPE over the wedding venue.
Leaving a cardboard cut out of yourself as a bride while having jetted off to the honeymoon.
Turning the wedding into a “find the bride” adventure then absconding by range rover out the back.
Hire a gorgeous guy on a motorbike to run down the aisle and rescue you before the vows are finished (saw this in a K drama).

Show up with a bill of particulars and sing them out to the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan’s “I have a little list”

etc..etc…etc…

You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing snd all right thinking people will agree. Be very, very, very, proud of yourself!

junebirthdaygirl · 05/09/2024 14:03

My dsis was invited to a wedding. A few days beforehand she got a card in the post saying very briefly that the wedding was cancelled. Like an invitation in reverse. She was sad for the couple but it was their business and she got on with her life. It was a 5 day wonder and l never heard it mentioned since. I was actually surprised how easy it was. A lot of people who know you both might be relieved.
You could send a message by phone but people would then reply which is awkward for you. Just take your guest list, print out a message on a card and post to everyone. Maybe your bridesmaid or mum could do all this for you. You are being very wise and mature and l hope you have a happy life now you have decided.

Breakingthecycle60 · 05/09/2024 14:08

Not quite the same situation, but when I realised that I needed to divorce my exh (after a very short marriage) I found telling just one trusted person (my mum) and her telling others made it much less daunting. I had similar feelings of failure ect after my whole family and friends had come to our big wedding not long before.

Well done for realising before the wedding (I had doubts but foolishly went ahead).

GinnyPiggie · 05/09/2024 14:11

If you were my friend, I'd think you were magnificent and had the world's biggest balls.

Also, all your friends will be thinking he's a knob anyway. I can guarantee it.

Well done.

pinkyredrose · 05/09/2024 14:19

never wanted to marry him, but went along with it, hoping things would get better but they got worse.

Why did agree to marry him? Anyway tell everyone that he's an arsehole and you can do better.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 05/09/2024 14:22

I feel for you as you're hurting, unsurprisingly.
There is no shame in cancelling the wedding, I wonder how many of your friends and family are thinking "thank god she's not marrying that twat" plenty I should think.
Be kind to yourself, get out and do something you enjoy, surround yourself with people who care about you, you've had a lucky escape, grab the moment with both hands ❤️

invisiblecat · 05/09/2024 14:33

"We're splitting up and the wedding is cancelled".

That's it, basically. If anyone asks, just say that you decided you didn't want to be in the relationship any more, and that's that.

Original poster
Mummyto4WM · 05/09/2024 19:19

@carrotcard - this was my initial thought but I did think it was a cowards way out!

@WhereAreMyRunningShoes - I'm devastated to hear your story. I'm so sorry this was your experience

@pikkumyy77 - this made me giggle!

@pinkyredrose - well I never actually wanted to get married. He proposed on holiday in a restaurant and it was a proper show where I couldn't say no then. It kind of ruined the holiday as I explained to him back at the hotel, I werent sure. Oddly when we returned home, he immediately posted a social media post with all the pics and I felt I had to go along with it. I raised probably monthly - I didn't want to go through with it. He even did his giving notice, I haven't, I haven't even got a dress and the original date was December 2024.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 05/09/2024 19:50

- well I never actually wanted to get married. He proposed on holiday in a restaurant and it was a proper show where I couldn't say no then. It kind of ruined the holiday as I explained to him back at the hotel, I werent sure. Oddly when we returned home, he immediately posted a social media post with all the pics and I felt I had to go along with it. I raised probably monthly - I didn't want to go through with it. He even did his giving notice, I haven't, I haven't even got a dress and the original date was December 2024.

I think these big, showy, proposals are extremely coercive. I am always worried for women who are forced into these public events because they really can’t say no.

OP please look into doing the freedom program or otherwise getting therapy snd support for yourself. You are absolutely dodging a bullet here in refusing to get married but your soon to be ex was a top flight abuser and you may need support rebuilding yourself.

Monkeysatonthewall · 05/09/2024 20:00

I'd never judge anyone for cancelling even if it was last minute - not my place to. If someone does it, they have a reason for it.

pinkyredrose · 05/09/2024 20:16

Get rid of this useless lump weighing you down. Next time someone proposes it's best to give the answer you mean. Having said that he obviously wasn't hearing you when you said you weren't sure

Berlinlover · 05/09/2024 20:22

My cousin and his fiancé cancelled their wedding and ended their relationship six weeks before they were due to get married. They had been together thirteen years.

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