Found fiance downloaded tinder/other fetish apps

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Hello, I need some advice as I think I am in shock and do not want to bring this up to my family/friends until I am confident about what I want to do. I have been with my partner for almost 5 years and we've been engaged for almost 1 year now. We are getting married in around 9 months and everything has been going great so far. We just got back from a trip and I had this weird gut feeling that something was going on so I stupidly checked his applewatch and looked at his subscriptions and noticed that he was subscribed to different hookup / fetish apps and that he had downloaded Tinder about a year ago. I confronted him and his excuse was that he was embarrassed about telling me about his kinks and fetishes and that he downloaded these apps just to look and swipe through other peoples profiles so that he could see what they were into and basically just get off to the profiles. He swears that he didn't message, meet, or talk to anyone on any of these apps and I want to believe him but I don't know what to do. I have his location on find my friends so I know for a fact that he doesn't go anywhere except to work, and school. We also live together so i know his schedule. I also saw that he had downloaded tinder and he said that he downloaded it about a year ago just to "see what was on it". He swears he's 100% confident that he wants to marry me and be with me and has expressed his guilt and apologized but I know he wouldn't have told me all of this if he hadn't been caught.

If you found out that your long term boyfriend or fiance was on dating apps like this just to "look" because they were embarrassed about a fetish that they have, what would you do? Would you try and work on it and seek couples therapy or would you end it and call off the engagement/wedding?

Nope - I’d walk. It will never get any better.
If he can’t control his urges now, how will he ever be able to in the future?
You’ll never be able to trust him.
Just be thankful you’ve found out now, whilst you still have a choice…. Choose wisely!

UPDATE:

So I took him back under the circumstances that he would go to therapy and then we'd go to therapy together to work through this. Things were better for a while...we're currently 4 months out from our wedding and I've been planning a lot for it. Well, I noticed that he started to get more stressed out and anxious about work things and I have supported him this whole time through that. I guess I still kind of resent him for what he initially did, and while our sex life improved a little bit, the past month I haven't felt like having sex with him at all. And I also started getting annoyed with little things that he would do. Fast forward to this weekend, I got a weird feeling and checked his phone again and found that he made a profile on a fetish website a week ago. The thing that bothers me the most about it is that he was messaging other women asking them to tell him about their fetishes and then also asking if they would want to meet up for a drink to discuss their fetishes together and how they could start a relationship or situation to fulfill these fantasies he has.....he even mentioned how he "recently broke off a long term vanilla relationship" (talking about me), when we're still engaged and supposed to get married in 4 months....

He says that he never had the intention of meeting them and that he was having the conversations as a fantasy. This was he last chance, and I told him that before, and he still went and did this again. I am so torn because I love him and we've been together 5 years and I don't want to end things without having him truly work on this but deep in my heart I know I can't move forward so I've canceled the wedding and told him to pack his bags and move out (which he did). It's only been 1 day but I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that I am making the right decision. For me, it seems like this is an addiction issue so that's why I also somewhat feel bad for him, that he can't control these fantasies.

I'm also worried about being 30 and looking for another relationship and finding a different man I love who has worse qualities and someone who actually goes out and cheats on me with other women, or who has worse fetishes or something like that. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

well to me sounds like time to move on and cancel the wedding but it depends what the fetish is. is it something you have discussed with him?
baring immoral and illegal is it something you can compromise on or participate in at someway?
if he has this fetish it sounds like it is of mega importance to me if its important to him maybe if he tried to supress it it would come to the surface eventually.
the brutal truth is if it repels you and you cannot live with it you need to break up

I discovered that my husband of 20 years was doing this and left him cold turkey.
FFS aren’t there any good decent men out there? All of them on dating apps, online hook ups? I really don’t want to get married ever again. Your life becomes so vulnerable on the hands of an idiot. Sweetheart, leave him. You deserve better. Count yourself lucky that you found out now.

Ending the relationship and cancelling the wedding is the right thing to do. You would be foolish to continue knowing this.

You’re were getting married in a matter of months and he’s cheating on you. Whether he meets them or not the intentions are there. Maybe he hasn’t met anyone so far but one day someone will tempt him.

30 is still very young to start over.

Nope, still cheating I wouldn't believe him.

Agree with this. And he will start cheating once they have their first child, when he thinks he has trapped her and she can’t leave. These men don’t look for a partner. They look for a nanny/cleaner/maid to have his kids, so that he shows a certain face to the society, someone who will serve him for life and satisfy his needs. He looks for a codependent and he is a narc

Oh, and don’t spend a second feeling sorry for him. He didn’t feel bad when he was talking to women on dating apps.

Not to mention he sees women as a piece of meet to wank over while most are probably just looking to date a decent man.

You are 30, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you really want to settle for someone who treats you like second best?

I'm so sorry to hear that and that's how i feel. It seems like every man is on a dating app, or in some way cheating on their partners (either emotionally or physically) and if ALL men are like that, than in my head it's like, if i leave, than sometimes that grass isn't always greener on the other side. What if i find someone who turns out to be even worse and I don't realize until it's too late and after we're married or have kids or something like that?

I didn’t even meet my husband of 30 years until I had turned 30–and we still had time to date for five years and get married at 35, kids at 36, 38. We are extremely happy. Now both 65. We met through the antique version of OLD, by the way. You have plenty of time

He is not being honest with you. You knew this and that's why you looked at his phone. Your relationship has no future because you can't trust him. Sorry

Thank you for the confirmation. I know it's the right thing to do and years from now I'll look back and be so happy that I made the right decision. I'm just scared there's no good men out there (I thought he was a good man until I discovered all of this) and I'm scared of something happening like this to me again. I guess I'll need to just work that out in therapy though

It's not an addiction issue. He is just a common and garden slimebag.

Unfortunately too many ostensibly eligible men simply aren't relationship material. However, this is no reason to settle for a slimebag.

Best to work on your self-esteem and learn to be happy on your own. Strangely, you're going to more attractive to the 'good ones' if you appear self-sufficient.

Good reads: Women Who Love Too Much and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem.

Fetish or kink? A fetish is something a person needs to enjoy sex or orgasm. A kink, is something that turns a person on, but they don't need it to enjoy sex. Both very different. Is his fetish/kink something you have both discussed? Is it something that doesn't appeal to you or you find disgusting? Whatever this fetish/kink is, it's not going to go away. Yes, you could still continue with the relationship and even get married, but his fetish/kink will still be there. All the therapy in the world, isn't going to 'cure' him of the fetish/kink. It's clearly part of who he is... he's just hidden it from you. If you ignore it, then eventually he will meet up with someone to indulge in whatever it is. If it's something you aren't interested in, then cancel the wedding and end the relationship. I came out of a toxic relationship at 28/29 years old, and I went on to meet an amazing man at 31, married and had a baby all by the time I was 35! You've plenty of time to meet someone, don't fret.

I started over again at 30 and wish I’d done it sooner.
I am in my 50’s now and don’t regret it for a moment.
This man is trouble. He’s secretive and he’s a liar. He showed you who he was, and you decided to give him a chance.
He showed you who he was again.
Perhaps for a while stop thinking about your age, kids and are there are any good men out there.
There are otherwise nobody would have a decent relationship or marriage.
Go to therapy.
Take care of yourself and do things you enjoy with people you like as you’ve been living such a miserable existence with this man.

You have definitely done the right thing. Trust me

Well done for having the strength and self respect to take action, must have been really hard.

Hold your head up high and give yourself plenty of time to recover from this

They are NOT all like this, the grass is most certainly greener than where you are now! I can't understand why you would even consider staying with him and I think you know that you shouldn't. He's treated you like absolute crap and you're feeling sorry for him!?!? Come on!!

To add, well done for taking action.

One way you guarantee it happening again is by staying with this man.

You're only 30 - just don't waste any more of your time on him.

I started over at 30 after taking back a boyfriend like this THREE TIMES 🥲🙃! I’m currently 33, met my now husband at 31 and we’re about to move abroad together with our two gorgeous cats. Trust me, life can come at you fast. I’ll never forget what my bff said to me which was the push I needed to choose myself: ‘You deserve a relaxed and happy life with a partner. I don’t think you’ll ever be relaxed or happy with him because you’ll constantly be worrying what he’s doing.’

I couldn’t live my life on edge and anxious about whether or not he was messaging other women or swiping through dating apps in one room while I’m making a romantic dinner in another. Aggressively pick yourself and follow your happiness. The other side is only going to get better xx

The best time to leave was 5 months ago, the next best time is today. Leave.
The next guy might not be a good one, but you know this one isn't. He cheated on you, got caught, said he'd stop and still cheated again, months before planning on standing on front of all of your friends and family any lying that he'd forsake all others.
30 is a brilliant age to be starting afresh. So many long term couples I knew split at 29/30 so there are fresh fish in the sea! It doesn't feel it when you're 30 but believe me, it's so young still.
Dump the cheat and go and live the much better life you deserve.

Well done you I know it hurts, but you’ve totally done the right thing. I started over at 35 after divorce met someone and had a family there is plenty of time for you!

good luck, he didn’t deserve you

Also, going through a break up in this type of scenario will only make you stronger if you feel ready to date down the line. You won’t tolerate the shit, you’ll be more confident in expressing what you want and establishing boundaries from the jump.

Lightning might strike twice with another let down in a long relationship, but at least you went into it with an open heart and good faith instead of knowing 100% the man you’re going to legally commit to is for certain always going to have a foot out of the door.

And if you did marry Cheating McGee, you’ll always wonder if your fear of starting over stopped you from finding someone incredible who won’t cause you anxiety stabs every time their phone gets a notification.

This is so true! You will be a better, stronger, braver you next time around.

If you were to stay with this man you would always feel diminished and shamed—for not being sufficient for him, for being judged and insulted by him (vanilla relationship!), for having been tricked and lied to twice before the wedding! There is no way to build a healthy relationship with yourself going forward if you stay with a man like this.

Even thinking that all men are like this is a diminishment of you—he caused you a loss of trust and optimism which is unforgivable. Stating with him—believing this is the best you can do—is so unfair to you!