Why does it feel like so many families are estranged now?

[Happyfarm]

I can feel it brewing in my own family. My partners parents don’t like me and it’s seeping into the relationship they have with their grandchildren. I can see it reach a point where it’s going to be damaging for them to see they are treated differently and all for whatever perceived issues they see in me.

I’m hearing it so often.

I think in this day and age, people are encouraged to cut off toxic people and not have to suck it up/grin and bear it.

People are more aware of the damage that abusive people do. (I’m not saying that you are abusing btw)

I am estranged from my family and it means that my kids are not damaged by my mum like I was. No regrets here.

I wonder if emotional and mental health is becoming more important? Thats the reason I left my abusive marriage and never looked back.

I also think the amount of contact expected these days intensifies any difficulties.

Before social media and texts it was random phone calls and visits whenever they could be managed around your own family life.

Once you'd left home you were independent and got on with life, with your extended family important but less a part of your own.

IME anyway.

My grandad hated his family and when they went to Australia on the ten pound Pom scheme he said good riddance to bad rubbish and never saw them again.

He was 14.

Pretty common in the past.

I'd love to be estranged from my DH's family but stay in touch for his sake. They make little effort and have caused numerous issues. Would make my life a lot less peaceful that's for sure!

• a lot MORE peaceful!!!

That’s a good point. My partners brother WhatsApps away all day long to his mum on the family chat. I’ve had to mute it because it’s OTT and I don’t want them to know what I’m doing hour by hour. My own brother moved 3 hours away and keeps in contact every week or 2 and he doesn’t have Facebook etc and he appears much happier and requires much less support.

We are NC with my family and LC with DHs family.
My family were very abusive so it’s for obvious reasons.
With the in-laws they hate women coming into the family and treat the boys born into the family very differently, so it was doomed from the start really. They couldn’t hide their nastiness, and seem to love pushing buttons above all else.

I think for other people it’s for similar reasons to mine, for others family can be extremely demanding. People are often over stretched with children and work, are expected to be ‘on’ 24/7 or someone kicks off because they haven’t had a reply to a message. I think the older generations were often brought up with a ‘put up and shut up’ mentality so they expect to pass that pain on, and are taking their frustrations out on the younger generations.

I also think social media makes the younger generations more self-focussed than previous generations. They seem to often think they are a brand and need to protect that brand.

I also think mumsnet creates a false impression because people treat it a bit like the old-fashioned problem pages in magazines. It’s going to be rare that someone feels the need to post how great their extended family are. So it might not be as widespread as it seems.

It's both a good and bad thing that there's more awareness through the internet and media.

I'm happy that people are more abe to recognise abusive situations and find the courage and support to remove themselves from it.

However the trend with self help books and influencers is to dismiss all sense family loyalty. The world is very much about the individual now, people expect everything to revolve around them and when it doesn't they throw their toys out of the pram. All relationships are seen as temporary and we have forgotten the true meaning of commitment. People are unwilling to sacrifice even the smallest bit of comfort in the name of the greater good.

For example I know 2 people who cut off their elderly parents because they "didn't want to be around illness as it brings them down". Yes, extensive discussions were had to see if there were any deeper reasons and sadly there wasn't. They were honestly just that fucking selfish.

Maybe therapy/counselling encourages people to cut themselves off more from toxic relatives?

I don't think it's that many families.

I am NC with my own parents due to emotional abuse. I don't know anyone in real life who is NC with family members, and most people round me seem to have very close relationships with families (always doing things together).

I also tend to only mention that I am NC to a very few trusted people as the response I get is otherwise that of complete incredulity and lots of remarks about "can't I just try harder" and "but they're your parents".

I also think that social media means that the seeing extended family twice a year and not really bothering in between times now has to be defined as "low contact" whereas before it was just considered "normal".

It's definitely a trend, from what I can see. In my own circle, I have seen it in several cases.

The similarities are that a person has some emotional problems, blames all these problems (rightly or wrongly) on a family member, and then demonizes that person's entire personality and ghosts them. Children are turning on their parents (especially the mother, since she often has the greatest emotional impact on the child and any imperfections she has will naturally affect the child).

I know more than one person who is heartbroken in their twilight years because of this, including one who has to go to public places to catch a glimpse of his grandchildren. I don't doubt for a second that some cases are warranted, but the ones I have seen personally are quite petty, I have to admit.

A lot of people aren’t good parents and their kids won’t be there for them because you often match the energy you received.

Child abuse is very popular in the UK, kids medical records have safeguarding concerns or child protection plans on them so often & it’s not because the parents are doing a great job.

Life styles & expectations have changed. People can move away. They are expected to put their careers, partner & children first.

Any parent who tries to intervene in an adult offspring's life is likely to drive that offspring away. Once they've flown the nest, they are free of obligation, and providing companionship or care is a choice.

I went NC with my df when I was 16. My life has been infinitely richer & more enjoyable as a result.

Just as people used to stay married because divorce wasn't the done thing, that would now be regarded as ridiculous. I watched my dm waste her life on a man who did not deserve her. I left my man after 2 years of trying to persuade him to behave decently.

Life is MUCH better this way. Why should we tolerate other people's nastiness?

People are more selfish and believe they "deserve to be happy" despite the impact on the children.

I think many things it is discussed more, so people who hadn't really thought of it as an option then actually on it.

Estrangement isn't new though, mum was estranged from her family in the 70s in her teens and has barely seen them since, my parents moved 200 miles away frm my dads toxic family in the 90s, So whilst not estranged contact was limited to a couple of days in the holidays and each grandparent would stay a week in the summer as we live by the coast. Grandparents moved here from Ireland and only went back once a year etc.

I think it is for many of the reasons already listed but the biggest one is that women are sick of being the glue for families. When you finally drop the responsibility for making sure everyone meets, when you stop writing the cards, buying the presents, hosting to everyone's preferences, organising and providing the support for aging and vulnerable family members with other family offering nothing to help then shedding those deadweight members is very freeing.
So I still do those things for the family that matters to me and don't for those that don't.

I'm estranged. Not my choice. Lost both parents without being able to say goodbye. So effectively had to grieve twice. (Once when contact was lost and again when I found out they died - didn't know how to try and explain to my job without adding loads of baggage - ie they died two years prior to when i found out and then I felt a fraud trying to explain to my job that I was grieving the loss of my parents but it was a delayed grief) Rest of family didn't bother to reach out. Found out that at their funeral, someone mentioned me and someone else said "F%^k her" Caused irreparable damage my side.
It's a real shame. But it's toughened me up. A lot.
Carried the guilt for many years and covered every single scenario in my head (always blaming myself) until one day I finally found peace and realised I didn't have to carry the burden or keep blaming myself any longer.
Time really is a healer. But it's a bugger to adjust to psychologically as I was really very close to family before this and it really 'disorientates' you (for want of a better word) until you finally have your wake up call and realise this is your new (permanent) way of life without them in it. 🤍
Problem is, the memories don't go away and that's what hurts.

There have been family fractures here and there going back at least three generations in my family so I’m not so sure it is that new. I think SM has played its role in two ways here, one by making it more ‘acceptable’ to talk about and secondly by simply spreading the word.

Torn on this as people rip families apart under the guise of their own boundaries (a phrase I’ve come to hate!!) and don’t try and ride out the storm but in some cases it’s warranted of course!!

I think its because you can no longer move a good distance away and keep in touch by sending a short letter a few times a year, and be unable to visit because the travel is too expensive (ditto long distance phone calls). Plenty of people used to do that, it just wasn't discussed much. The Aunt in America, that brother in the Navy, the cousin who moved to the other end of the country and no one hears from much ...

You just can't quietly lose touch any more.

I wondered if women were getting stronger in their boundaries. I won’t put up with the way my MIL treats me and children. I won’t keep quiet and be a good wife! Why should we go over when I’m ignored and so are my kids because she won’t accept me into the family.

Calm is a superpower