Why does it feel like so many families are estranged now?

[Happyfarm]

I can feel it brewing in my own family. My partners parents don’t like me and it’s seeping into the relationship they have with their grandchildren. I can see it reach a point where it’s going to be damaging for them to see they are treated differently and all for whatever perceived issues they see in me.

I’m hearing it so often.

Do you think more so in the UK than other countries?

Actually MN generally says "is this unusual; are they usually supportive: would you consider them a good friend/family member?"

And people being depressed, stressed, going through a bad time is often mentioned as a possible reason for the behaviour.

If a someone posts "my mother is normally amazing, she is so supportive and is my best friend but she's been really off with me the last couple of times I've rung" - I don't believe that any of the responses (apart from batshit posters) jump straight to no contact.

It's possible that as the thread goes along it's revealed that actually the mother is very controlling, the poster has no life of their own and just has to do what mother says, and the mother has a habit of emotionally blackmailing when they don't get their own way, but even then people are normally reticent to go straight to NC.

there's a thread at the moment called "shall I go NC for this?" and the vast majority of responses are telling the OP that she is overreacting and should talk to her parents.

People have always moved away from their home town/village though. The idea that people never moved in the past is complete fiction. People moved to other cities, countries, even continents.

Previously, moving away meant that you never really had to see/talk to your family again, or if you did it was very rare. Now, even if you live in another country there is an expectation of continued regular contact. So nowadays people have to explicitly stop contact rather than simply moving away and fading out of their lives.

I dunno, I badly wanted to stay with ex-H despite being deeply unhappy for years. A big reason to stay, though not quite the only, was to give the children stability.

But they are far happier now we are divorced and my ex-MiL even said to me that we are better parents apart than together.

Staying in a desperately unhappy relationship is damaging for the kids ime.

I've had to walk away from my 2 relatives after 25+ years of emotional abuse and bullying from them. Trying to cancel my wedding for shits and giggles then turning up to my door to rant about how dare I not invite them was the last straw for me

I had to walk away from my dm and dgm in my 40's. I couldn't take it any more. This is after years and years of trying to have a normal relationship. It was incredibly difficult and still is. I've heard it explained as grieving for a relationship I wanted rather than the relationship I lost. There was lots of emotional abuse. Db is still in contact but has recently decided he can't take it and only sees/ speaks to them when he absolutely has to (they started to treat him and one of my nieces the way I was treated previously).

All the people I have met who have gone nc do so as a last resort and definitely not at the drop of a hat.

I think a lot of abuse is generational. People do to the next generation what was done to them and expect them to react the same as they did usually out of fear, obligation or guilt.

There wasn’t as much movement as there is now, to say 60 years ago. Yes people have always moved, but we are much more transient these days.

I think a lot of people underestimate the levels of movement in the past.

E.g. in 1890, 40% of Irish born people who were alive at the time lived abroad. Now, there were obviously specific social and economic circumstances which drove that, but 40% is still a huge proportion, and it doesn't even include those who moved area, but stayed in Ireland.

When I've looked at my family history, the amount of movement has really struck me. People requently moved away to where there was work, because there was no social safety net. Industries rose and fell, and populations moved with them.

Places like the US and Australia were populated by people who moved extremely far from where they were born (the slave trade obviously meant that many were forcibly transported, so I'm referring to those who chose to emigrate). Within the US, settlers moved thousands of miles as the west was gradually populated. The British Empire (and all the other empires) was administered by the people who moved overseas to run it.

Prior to the 20th century, even becoming a soldier or sailor meant that you basically left your family with no means of contacting them for months or years at a time. There were plenty of ways in which people quietly faded out of their family's lives.

All the people I have met who have gone nc do so as a last resort and definitely not at the drop of a hat.

I fully agree.

I don't think those posters saying they know multiple people who have gone NC for trivial reasons know the full story. They may think they do, but they don't.

I think it's because people can't be bothered to put in any effort anymore (with anyone)

I think the opposite really. I'm NC with my parents after years and years of trying. That's very normal. Most people are reluctant to cut ties with their birth family over "nothing".
Plus, these days, with immediate communication, the expectation is that we are all in much closer contact.

My parents are in their early 80s.
My father immigrated here from Pakistan at age 16 with 2 of his siblings. He sent letters "home" a few times a year (postage expensive) which became less and less frequent and saw his parents twice over the next 30(?) years before they died. There was no actual falling out, but these days that would consider to be estranged.

My mother was brought up in the North but moved to London at 18 for university and later a job and to get married. She saw her parents twice a year and rang infrequently. (Transport and phone calls difficult and expensive). Again, no mass falling out, but by today's standards this would be considered to be low contact.

Whereas, prior to going NC with my parents they expected to message/email/ring and visit frequently as these things are now all so easy. Cutting down phone calls from weekly to fortnightly was a huge deal. It's not easy just to quietly reduce contact without it becoming a big "thing".