How do deal with a MIL who doesn't like you/makes sarky remarks to SIL about you?

[dublinderby34]

My fiance has a really close family, which I originally was happy with, but recently the dynamic IMO has turned a little weird between his mother and me. Back story is she is divorced from his dad, and he is the only son. I think he has had to emotionally support her from a young age.

Recently, at a family event, his mother was being rude to his step mum. She was calling her an alcoholic infront of everybody, I felt really uncomfortable and (luckily) me fiance called her out and told her to apologise (something she IS NOT used to and WAS FURIOUS with my fiance for)

After this event we all went back to a family members house, where she came in hysterical, pointing at my fiance over me, saying he let her down, didnt stand up for her, should of had her back, shes always had his, he was wrong, she isnt talking to him, and refused to look at him. My fiance was forced to keep asking his mum if she was ok, she was ignoring his requests, being really childish. At one point I was in the conversation and I told her that he done the right thing, and she replied "well who taught him to do that?!!!". I could tell it was affecting my fiance, to the point where he followed her outside in the garden and saw them hugging? he literally had to pander to her, because he done the right thing and told her she was wrong? After that, we had 2 weeks of facetimes of her crying, saying she has always stood up for him even when he was wrong, and he done the wrong thing.

We had 2 weeks of phonecalls of her facetiming him crying about this situation. In the end, I told my fiance to tell her to please stop talking about it, it was making me uncomfortable keep talking over and over about it, especially when she was penalising my partner for doing the right thing, that doesnt sit right with me. Next time we was at a event, she was telling my fiances friend about it, and looked at me and said I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE SO LOOK AWAY, and proceeded to whisper to my fiances friend infront of me, again i felt very uncomfortable.

Anyway, ever since then, we have been at family events, and I can tell she is making comments about me, for eg I walked past her and over to my fiance to discuss something at a bbq and i heard her go over to my fiances sister and all i heard was the fiances sister say "oh stop, you are being weird stop it"

Seperately, she opened the door and called my fiances sister in the house (obviously to discuss something) I suspect to make me feel left out. throughout the day she kept pulling the SIL to one corner and they was discussing SIL wedding but it felt very on purpose, to leave me out, or to make me feel a certain way. She often glares at me, and/or my fiance, to watch how we are together, and its starting to make me extremely uncomfortable. She is nice to my face, and pretends to like me, but there is just something not quite right.

I don't know how to move forward as I have to see her A LOT at family events, and i dont want to have to let my fiance go alone and to live seperate lives. my fiance has offered to tell her i feel uncomfortable around her and to sort it out, but i know she is going to deny it and run to the sisters, the sort of person that will try and turn everyone against you and make out you are the problem. I have no idea how to proceed? I often wonder what is going to happen when we have kids/at our wedding. I honestly dont want people at my wedding/around me faking it, i would rather no negative energy and for them not to show up. I dont do fake very well.

also, i have a feeling my fiance already has spoke to her about how i was unhappy with her behaviour, which is why she is making remarks/being b1tchy. so surely this is goin to add fuel to her fire

So what are you going to do if he just rolls over?

Are you going to go to family things? Are you going to invite her to the wedding where she will make it ALL about her and you will resent her for the rest of your life? Are you going to put up with him being a drama llama because she's constantly putting the boot into him while you aren't there?

You need to think VERY hard about this.

Because honestly, this isn't going to get better unless he makes a decision about this and stops her doing this to both you and him.

He will use your kids against you. She will manipulate and this will be a major source of conflict throughout your marriage.

Is this a good place to start a marriage?

Is this the man for you?

You deserve respect. If his family don't give it, and he bows to them, he does not respect you. Thats a dynamic that will not last long term.

It will destory your marriage.

Marriage can be hard enough without all of this shit. You're accepting being second best, and your children will be exposed to her toxic behaviour. And to be frank, you could have prevented it. There are more red flags here than a communist parade, but you'll not be told, so I wish you good luck. You're going to need it.

How would you say I’m accepting being second best though?

Because you are going to facilitate the abuse because you ultimately won't stand up to your other half for failing to protect you and instead will take on the roll of the door matt in doing so.

You shouldn’t have got involved in his argument with her. That’s where it started and that’s why it has turned sour. It wasn’t your place in my opinion however awful she was. You would have been better just to help your DP get over it and let him sort out his mother, or the step mum could have stepped up and said something but def not you. It’s also not for you to tell other people what they can and can’t say. Sorry…

My MIL is like this, I haven't spoken to her for 5 years, it has been absolute bliss.

DH's family is very female heavy. There's MIL, her sister (with 3 daughters herself), their mother (DH's gran) they all live in each others pockets - work together, eat together, do the food shop together despite appearing (from what they say behind each others backs) to absolutely loathe one another, it's absolutely toxic.

I could call up in another 5 (or 10, or 15) years and it would still be exactly the same, all sat around the cauldron slagging off whoever wasn't there at the time. Sad really but I haven't got time for that shite.

Things won't change OP so I would be deciding now how you keep out of it all.

Let him defend you. If he’s going to be your husband you need to know he will protect you and back you up, even when it’s tough. See if he can actually do it. And if he can, great but if not, you need to reconsider whether or not this kind of toxic dynamic is suitable for you and any future children you may have.

Oh wow, that’s even worse, he dragged you into it - you were set up!

Like everyone else is saying, you need to stay out of it. I don’t think either of you should speak to her, the more oxygen you give this the bigger drama she will make it. The crying and daily ‘tantrums’ are your MIL trying to manipulate your fiancé into taking her side. The best thing he can do is not take her calls for now.

You know what I'd genuinely do? (a lot probably won't agree or like it)

I'd foreworn your fiancé that you won't tolerate it and then give her both barrels each time it happens.

Yes she'll talk about you but so what?

Might make her grow up a bit.

You are spot on - keep sticking up for your fiancé, you're doing a great job.

Be prepared (and mention to your fiance) that she WILL try and sabotage your relationship.

This is not normal behaviour, I could imagine my MIL saying this 😬 total enmeshment, she thinks she owns him. It will only get worse when you marry/have children, she will think she owns them too.

I answer to your question I would take off the rose tinted glasses that this will never be 'fixed' and leave the relationship. He will always panda to him as he just proved.

i left a pretty incredible man because he couldn’t cut the apron strings.

I saw right through this woman and it was made clear to me she didn’t like me. She also venomously hated her BIL’d partner, again she knew what she was like and MIL told my partner I remind her of this woman she despises. I’m sure of my own opinions and not afraid to stand up for myself, same as the woman she hates and she can’t stand it. My ex still said no no she likes you 😂

furthermore his dad called me fat, my ex did and said nothing. The one time he called his mum out after she texted me and I told him you deal with it or I will and you won’t like how I deal with it, she started crying and said she’s having head scans and MRI’s, my ex dropped it instantly. I said she’s manipulating you! He couldn’t see her for what she’s really like.

I slept next to him, I made home with him, I planned a future with him but his mum was too much and he wasn’t able to set a boundary and put me first.

I left because a future with his mum would have made me miserable beyond words.

your partner also started to stand up to her was manipulated and backed down instantly. I warn you, a man like this becomes very unattractive very quickly

Major red flags here I’ve been in similar situation where my Mil was being very nasty to me I went ahead and had children she carried on but preferred my son to my daughter as he was boy and reminded her of her son, luckily I got out of that situation and have remarried and been happy ever since, your partner is not putting your feelings in front of his mothers. You should come first always. And no she won’t bad mouth you in front of her son, of course she won’t she wants to come across as the good person, I can tell you now this will get worse it’s all about her and her feelings and he’s pandering to her, after he stood up to her he went outside and was cuddling her so she got her way, oh he will tell me what he things but he still cuddled me so it can’t be that bad. She’s a nasty bit of work op, you don’t have to listen to me you will do what you want to do, and that’s fine, I’m just giving you some advice,

Another red flag you said he goes all soft with his mother when she was crying yet he’s aware she’s being cruel about you, does that not tell you something op she will always come before youuuu! Her feelings are more important than yours. Then when you cry he doesn’t know what to do, he’s a man child!

Not if you spit up with you don't have any control over who your kids see.
I stay in my very toxic marriage so that my horrible mother in law could get her hooks in my young kids .
She still has in lots of ways .
Please please remember are you are marrying the man and his family .
She and him have shown you their relationship . You can't change it . It will destroy your relationship.

I think you need to speak to your partner and ask him if she’s done something like this before, how long it lasted and what was the outcome. This shit sounds unhinged and I think you need to understand if this is a phase which will pass or if this is forever.

Ask him how he sees this playing out whether it’s short term phase or forever. Tell him how you feel and what your concerns are. Do not tell him what to say to his mother.

I think you need to tell him your fears of getting married and having kids in this situation . You clearly liked this woman before and you could again I imagine if she stopped being a cow. So if that’s the case maybe something along the lines of “ before this I really was looking forward to the relationship your mom and I would have and I wanted her involved in the wedding planning and when we have kids, I want it to be special and have her involved in their lives, but I can’t see that being the case of her behaviour toward me continues ”

Because I imagine he has very weak boundaries with her and he’s going to tell her everything you say.

You're going to learn some valuable things from this conversation. You’re going to find out how big of an issue that boundary problem is and how much control she has of him. This could be the first time he’s ever told her that she’s out of order and she’s struggling to get control of him back.

Id feel out what the response to this he plans to take without instructing it. I think you need to see what backbone he has and if he can manage his mother.

If he’s still going to tolerate this dynamic and keep repeating your private conversations, then you need to deeply consider if this is something tenable long term, because if you tolerate it eventually it will be you living separate lives and you excluded. I’ve been married three times and my first marriage had this dynamic - and we divorced after three years because it was hell. Picture yourself sitting alone while your husband and kids are away without you at a family event. Not nice.

This sounds awful for your partner too. She’s putting him in between issues she has in her previous marriage. His childhood must of been tough. It’s awful if her to keep doing this to him. She sounds like a nightmare.

Thank you. & everyone else

UPDATE

suddenly i received texts from his mum making effort (asking to pick me up on way to dinner) etc and her attitude completely changed towards me and went back to previous months. She went to totally nice and normal.

i asked my partner a few days later if he said anything to her and he said yes. I proceeded to ask a lot of questions like what did you say, what did she say, he was getting annoyed that I kept asking for the details but said he just told her he doesn’t want there to be any issues and go back to how she was before. She blamed being busy with weddings and funerals and didn’t give him the genuine reason.

im happy at the outcome but still wondering 1) what was the issue, I’m upfront I like to address things and move on. I’ll never know what she hated me for

2. I would love to know what he said to her. Part of me was worried he made it like I am over reacting but I don’t think so.

anyway, she’s gone back to normal. Did he do the right thing? Does this mean HE CAN put her in her place and is this a good sign for my future. It sounds like he set a boundary but who knows because I don’t know what was said. Funny fact, she mentioned the situation AGAIN to us both at a wedding (proceeded to tell my fiancé that he said she was mean, and went over to other people at the wedding and said “Peter thinks I was mean”. He made light of it and said, we aren’t doing this again are we, you the being in the wrong. But he kept his patience. I think she needs a stern telling WE DO NOT WANT TO TALK about this anymore, But for some reason he keeps making light of everytime she keeps talking about this.

anyway, did he handle it well?

PS to your point it was definitely the first time he ever told her she was out of order. Do you mean she was struggling to get control back which is why she was ‘punishing” me as such? As an act of control? That’s a very interesting point, but , what was she trying to gain. How would that give her any control? By hoping he would chose her? I dunno.