How do deal with a MIL who doesn't like you/makes sarky remarks to SIL about you?

[dublinderby34]

My fiance has a really close family, which I originally was happy with, but recently the dynamic IMO has turned a little weird between his mother and me. Back story is she is divorced from his dad, and he is the only son. I think he has had to emotionally support her from a young age.

Recently, at a family event, his mother was being rude to his step mum. She was calling her an alcoholic infront of everybody, I felt really uncomfortable and (luckily) me fiance called her out and told her to apologise (something she IS NOT used to and WAS FURIOUS with my fiance for)

After this event we all went back to a family members house, where she came in hysterical, pointing at my fiance over me, saying he let her down, didnt stand up for her, should of had her back, shes always had his, he was wrong, she isnt talking to him, and refused to look at him. My fiance was forced to keep asking his mum if she was ok, she was ignoring his requests, being really childish. At one point I was in the conversation and I told her that he done the right thing, and she replied "well who taught him to do that?!!!". I could tell it was affecting my fiance, to the point where he followed her outside in the garden and saw them hugging? he literally had to pander to her, because he done the right thing and told her she was wrong? After that, we had 2 weeks of facetimes of her crying, saying she has always stood up for him even when he was wrong, and he done the wrong thing.

We had 2 weeks of phonecalls of her facetiming him crying about this situation. In the end, I told my fiance to tell her to please stop talking about it, it was making me uncomfortable keep talking over and over about it, especially when she was penalising my partner for doing the right thing, that doesnt sit right with me. Next time we was at a event, she was telling my fiances friend about it, and looked at me and said I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE SO LOOK AWAY, and proceeded to whisper to my fiances friend infront of me, again i felt very uncomfortable.

Anyway, ever since then, we have been at family events, and I can tell she is making comments about me, for eg I walked past her and over to my fiance to discuss something at a bbq and i heard her go over to my fiances sister and all i heard was the fiances sister say "oh stop, you are being weird stop it"

Seperately, she opened the door and called my fiances sister in the house (obviously to discuss something) I suspect to make me feel left out. throughout the day she kept pulling the SIL to one corner and they was discussing SIL wedding but it felt very on purpose, to leave me out, or to make me feel a certain way. She often glares at me, and/or my fiance, to watch how we are together, and its starting to make me extremely uncomfortable. She is nice to my face, and pretends to like me, but there is just something not quite right.

I don't know how to move forward as I have to see her A LOT at family events, and i dont want to have to let my fiance go alone and to live seperate lives. my fiance has offered to tell her i feel uncomfortable around her and to sort it out, but i know she is going to deny it and run to the sisters, the sort of person that will try and turn everyone against you and make out you are the problem. I have no idea how to proceed? I often wonder what is going to happen when we have kids/at our wedding. I honestly dont want people at my wedding/around me faking it, i would rather no negative energy and for them not to show up. I dont do fake very well.

Then let him.

And make sure he does. If he doesn't, you know what your choices are.

Simple.

thanks. im just worried it will make her even worse with me.

This, exactly.

…and when he called you over, the reply should have been “you need to sort this out between yourselves” - they are adults at the end of the day.

I don’t know if she’s “deliberately excluding” you, or if she’s talking to her daughter in private. I think you can rest assured that your DH will always forgive her, and you will find yourself cast in a bad light.

When you have children, he is also their parent, and if he wants to take them to see his mum, he can.

Not your fucking problem. That's your fiancées problem to deal with.

Simple.

Honestly. It's not hard with this dynamic. His family, his problem.

he is the only son. I think he has had to emotionally support her from a young age
OP, as far as she is concerned her son is her substitute husband, this means that:

1. He'll be emotionally messed up & will put her before you.
2. She will do all she can to destroy your relationship with him because she views you as a usurper.

thank you! you dont know what shes like though lol, it will be "me creating a problem" sigh. oh well.

Just stay out of it OP. You being drawn in is exactly what his mother wants because it will create conflict and drama. This is what she wants because it will drive a wedge between you and your partner. Drop the rope.

It's not your problem. Stop going to family events and reclaim your space. This distance will benefit you.

unfortunately i know this. I am not sure he will put her before me though, especially if we had a family of her own. I know WHAT SHE wants, I just dont think thats WHAT HE wants. All I can do is keep highlighting it to him. i did think it was wierd though that he was so soft with her when she was crying, and when i cry or get upset, he doesnt really know what to do.

She sounds like my MIL, she hates women that come into the family.

I’m further down the line than you. I noticed later you have said you think she will have to listen to your rules when you have children - from experience I can tell you with this sort of MIL you are wrong.
My MIL tried to monopolise my baby, called me by my first name instead of mum to my child ie gesturing to me ‘give Sally (not my real name) that toy’. My time was controlled and I was expected to cater to her demands of time, my parenting was criticised infront if my DC, I was ignored, my baby was taken out of my arms, If my child had a tantrum my child was told ‘your mum won’t be able to come next time you visit, because you are NEVER like this for us’ I was made to feel firmly in the way of her family.
We are NC now. Quite honestly I wish I had walked away. It was death by a thousand cuts, and I feel every scar IYSWIM.

Don’t be me. Either walk away from the lot of them now, or try and make your partner see that it’s unsustainable and go low contact. Once marriage and children enter the mix it will only get worse.

You will never win marrying into a family like this, believe me.

OP you sound very enmeshed in his family as well. What his mum thinks doesn't matter. Let her whisper and make remarks, just walk away.

Seriously. You need to deal with this now. What happens if she does this around your kids? Your job is to ensure that doesn't happen. That start now by setting our YOUR boundaries.

@RedToothBrush @Overbearingndn so your advice is to let my fiancé go and speak to her, and say what? that i feel uncomfortable around her presence since xxx, she is only going to deny making those remarks of course. I just wonder what he should even say.

i did think it was wierd though that he was so soft with her when she was crying, and when i cry or get upset, he doesnt really know what to do
He comforts her because his primary bond is with her.
He cant comfort you because it conflicts with his sense of obligation to his 'mother-wife'.

I would ignore her and see if it dies down, she might get bored and stop. If it doesn't then I would tell your fiance that it either stops or you stop attending events where she's there.

My advice is to tell your fiancé to sort his family shit out or you will not be engaging with them in future at all and this means you may reconsider the marriage.

You are setting yourself up for life here.

You either sign up for a lifetime of this, he sorts it out or you walk/refuse to deal with his family unless they treat you with respect.

Those are your options.

Pick.

i just remembered something she said to him - when she was crying and he was telling her she was wrong, she said "YOU SHOULD BE VALIDATING ME" and he replied "i have to do that for sandra (not my real name" and she replied BUT IM YOUR MOTHER. is that not wierd?

Going to be honest Op. if I were you I wouldn’t marry into this family
Your future mother in law doesn’t like you and your fiancé doesn’t appear to be strong enough to stand up to his mother
I can foresee trouble ahead. Trust me

Imo she's overly enmeshed with him, she sees him as HER partner and she isnt willing to relinquish him to you. At least some of this is probably unconscious and it's likely related to the trauma of the break up with his father.

yes i agree, but i dont really get the impression he wants to be/is enmeshed with her. by the things ive said, do you think so? I mean the only thing i can clearly see has affected him is he doesnt know how to handle my emotions, and like someone else said, its because i feel he feels disloyal to her, its bloody strange.

He needs to be going low or no contact for that.

Children are not there to validate parents.

Make it clear you are not going to deal with someone who says that. He either deals with her properly or if she doesn't agree to treat you with respect, then he needs to go no contact.

This isn't negogiable in your relationship. Otherwise you will be at the mercy of this for the rest of your lives. Is that what he wants? To be there only to validate his mother rather than having a relationship based on mutual respect and does he want to force you into a life time of taking abuse from his mother because he's too wet to deal with the matter?

Simple choices.

So you want to be her punching bag for the rest of your life?

Because thats what you will be if you just roll over and allow him to, because he's too cowardly and doesn't respect you enough to stand up to her?

Have a word with yourself.

thanks . he is offering to speak to her, so maybe i should just let him. although, i dont have much faith.

That was more than obnoxious behaviour, it was completely unhinged and down right immature. She seems to be a sore loser as well as a trouble causer.

She lacks emotional intelligence and she should apologise to your fiancée and to you.

Sometimes, people like her have to learn the hard way and that is when no one will have anything to do with her due to her drama, she's as mad as a box of mice.

I'd say that he has suppressed his feelings because they are uncomfortable. it might stem from his father leaving, his mother being upset & him feeling guilty and/or feeling that he had to comfort her/compensate her for the lack of his father. It all gets thrown into a cupboard in the unconscious mind and you dont want to take it out & untangle it because you dont like the way it makes you feel.