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Original poster

Dwindling sex

49 replies

earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 09:04

I’m divorced, and in a new relationship of about two years. My partner also has kids and lived a bit away, so we see each other about once a week. it’s all good and respectful and we get on with each other‘s kids.

The thing is I am starting to feel sexually dissatisfied and wondering how to broach it. I am quite highly sexed and also like sex to relax and connect. By the time we see each other I am usually gagging for it, and have been for some days. He has quite a different approach and will sometimes not initiate sex on the evening we see each other, will wait till the morning. He also doesn’t manage to say anything sexy during our time apart, I feel he’s kind of in denial of my needs.

Since the beginning I haven’t been able to lead with my drive as he had anxiety-caused ED occasionally and I got conditioned to waiting until he said he fancied it so as not to pressure him. He is reluctant to get involved if he isn’t hard, I think out of embarrassment. I’d be happy for him to just go down on me but he rarely will if he can’t ‘perform’. We’re kind of living by his internal system, if you see what I mean. In the early days he was as is usual keen to do it a lot and so that almost matched my drive and it was better.

I don’t know what to do as I really like him, and I don’t like the tendencies it’s developing in me. I feel frustrated a lot of the time and to be honest have started fantasising about just finding a more sexually straightforward man to….shag senseless. Help.

OP posts:
Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 09:15

Sorry, that’s a bit long.

OP posts:
Girlmom35 · 03/09/2024 09:23

I think you need to understand that your high sex drive doesn't make you entitled to sex. I understand you feel like you need it. That doesn't mean he has to provide it.
It sounds like you have an overall good relationship. You're just unhappy with your sex life. So, decide for yourself whether you can live ith this or not. He doesn't have to (and most likely won't) change for you. If this isn't something you can live with, chalk it up to not being compatible and move on.

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 09:27

I agree @Girlmom35, it’s more that I can never choose or initiate— it’s hard for me.

OP posts:
TenesseeWhiskey · 03/09/2024 09:34

Sexual energies is mismatched. This wouod be grounds to break off a relationship personally because options are very limited. Last thing I would want is to come across as begging for sex. You are just both not compatible.

Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 09:38

Reminds me a bit of that SATC episode where Charlotte eventually said to her husband, our whole relationship revolves around your penis.

I would knock this on the head as I can't see it getting any better. I completely understand wanting to have lots of sex and the disappointment and frustration when you can't have it. Find someone else.

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 09:44

I suppose I have no idea what other people are doing. To me once a week seems very little, but it’s true that in my marriage we didn’t have it for years and I didn’t care!

OP posts:
Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 10:07

What happens in that SATC episode? I can’t remember. Does he want more sex.

OP posts:
Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 10:11

earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 10:07

What happens in that SATC episode? I can’t remember. Does he want more sex.

Charlotte's husband has ED and they seem to be forever tip toeing around his penis. They can't do anything lest it affect his penis and she gets fed up.

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 10:16

I think this feels quite the same.

OP posts:
SkyGrant · 03/09/2024 10:19

From the information it would appear as if the relationship is mis matched maybe time to fully express your feelings and if no result move on to pastures new.

Good luck OP

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 03/09/2024 10:22

The thing is we are very matched but there’s something about occasional ED that renders the man into a controlling position, as pp said

OP posts:
johnson39 · 03/09/2024 21:59

I am exactly the same , high sex drive and it's amazing when we do but not enough and I don't want to appear to be a sex pest, he's another older and less fitter than me , but after 2.5 years I want more he's happy with once a week 😐 love him to bits and compatible in every other way but just not enough sex or teasing , guess you can't have it all or can you ? I think it will be the reason why it may dwindle for me tbh .

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 04/09/2024 12:34

Ah, sorry you’re going through the same thing @johnson39

OP posts:
johnson39 · 04/09/2024 12:47

earlysnacktime · 04/09/2024 12:34

Ah, sorry you’re going through the same thing @johnson39

Thanks it's a shame because everything is perfect, I'm going to have a chat with him as I really don't want to throw it away, but it's a thing that I think is important in a relationship and I'm not at the point in my life where I'm happy for it not to be a
Priority

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 04/09/2024 13:14

And teasing is a very important point too— in my relationship it feels like that part of my self is completely abandoned, until next time we have sex

OP posts:
GeorgeTheFirst · 04/09/2024 13:19

If you don't live together, could you use a vibrator at home and see whether you still feel dissatisfied ?

johnson39 · 04/09/2024 13:24

GeorgeTheFirst · 04/09/2024 13:19

If you don't live together, could you use a vibrator at home and see whether you still feel dissatisfied ?

It's just not the same , why be in a relationship and do diy ha I want someone who's as passionate about it as me , why do men get to that age and start to slow down and not see it as a big deal ?

GoldShaker · 04/09/2024 13:27

From a male perspective, ED is a complex issue with many different factors at play, and various situations can impact it. It’s not really fair to label it as controlling behavior, since managing it can be incredibly challenging. If medication is involved, it requires a lot of planning, and the side effects can add to the anxiety, making things even more difficult. My current partner has a high sex drive, but being older, mine isn’t what it used to be. This difference caused a lot of tension, but I eventually realized that I was the one putting in all the effort when we did have sex, which led to me feeling bored and frustrated. Yes, she has a high sex drive, but it was always on her terms, and there were times when she’d fall asleep, leaving me frustrated.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who’s straightforward about sex, but if you find one, good luck. As for women, I’m still waiting to meet one who is sexually straightforward. My advice? Compromise, put in the effort with him, and see where it leads

JumalanTerve · 04/09/2024 13:37

johnson39 · 04/09/2024 13:24

It's just not the same , why be in a relationship and do diy ha I want someone who's as passionate about it as me , why do men get to that age and start to slow down and not see it as a big deal ?

Show quote history

Because a lot of the time it's biological. You might as well get annoyed at someone for hair going grey

johnson39 · 04/09/2024 14:18

Fair point to the last two comments 🙂 I'll take that onboard.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/09/2024 14:21

I think it’s just one of those things you are incompatible with. If it’s important to you (and it would be to me), then cut your losses and find someone who is better suited. Not everything lasts forever and after only 2 years I wouldn’t waste any more time if this is a deal breaker for you

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 04/09/2024 14:35

GoldShaker · 04/09/2024 13:27

From a male perspective, ED is a complex issue with many different factors at play, and various situations can impact it. It’s not really fair to label it as controlling behavior, since managing it can be incredibly challenging. If medication is involved, it requires a lot of planning, and the side effects can add to the anxiety, making things even more difficult. My current partner has a high sex drive, but being older, mine isn’t what it used to be. This difference caused a lot of tension, but I eventually realized that I was the one putting in all the effort when we did have sex, which led to me feeling bored and frustrated. Yes, she has a high sex drive, but it was always on her terms, and there were times when she’d fall asleep, leaving me frustrated.
Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who’s straightforward about sex, but if you find one, good luck. As for women, I’m still waiting to meet one who is sexually straightforward. My advice? Compromise, put in the effort with him, and see where it leads

It feels controlling in the sense that my desire is never the ignition. I am a kind partner and handle it well, it’s exactly that not wanting to push it that that’s got me here. I think sometimes I just really want… to have sex sex.

OP posts:
onetrickponee · 04/09/2024 14:37

not sure how old your partner is OP but if over 50 it is a fact of life/ageing for a lot of men. imagine the reponses if it were a man posting ?

SababaToo · 04/09/2024 14:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Original poster
earlysnacktime · 04/09/2024 14:54

He wouldn’t do that @SababaToo, he would just get defensive and it would be pointless

OP posts: