Dwindling sex

[earlysnacktime]

I’m divorced, and in a new relationship of about two years. My partner also has kids and lived a bit away, so we see each other about once a week. it’s all good and respectful and we get on with each other‘s kids.

The thing is I am starting to feel sexually dissatisfied and wondering how to broach it. I am quite highly sexed and also like sex to relax and connect. By the time we see each other I am usually gagging for it, and have been for some days. He has quite a different approach and will sometimes not initiate sex on the evening we see each other, will wait till the morning. He also doesn’t manage to say anything sexy during our time apart, I feel he’s kind of in denial of my needs.

Since the beginning I haven’t been able to lead with my drive as he had anxiety-caused ED occasionally and I got conditioned to waiting until he said he fancied it so as not to pressure him. He is reluctant to get involved if he isn’t hard, I think out of embarrassment. I’d be happy for him to just go down on me but he rarely will if he can’t ‘perform’. We’re kind of living by his internal system, if you see what I mean. In the early days he was as is usual keen to do it a lot and so that almost matched my drive and it was better.

I don’t know what to do as I really like him, and I don’t like the tendencies it’s developing in me. I feel frustrated a lot of the time and to be honest have started fantasising about just finding a more sexually straightforward man to….shag senseless. Help.

In his defence if this is an ED issue then long discussions etc are likely to make the problems worse, not better.

It is a tricky situation but ultimately all you can do is decide if this is a deal breaker for you, if it is then it’s not the right relationship for you.

Nobody should be pressured into having sex they don’t want.

I think he needs reminding that 'sex' isn't just / only PIV and that you would like more 'sex' whether that's flirting/ sexting/ erotic touch/ manual / oral / toys... it's not fair (and rather selfish of him) to only have the other 90% of sex on offer when his penis is able to participate! (And even worse if when you do have PIV that's all he focuses on!)

@earlysnacktime like you I have a high sex drive and my dp is usually happy to keep up ( no ED, he’s early 40s and I’m a few years older). However a few weeks ago we’d had sex 4 times over the weekend but I was going away for a week so wanted to again before this. When it didn’t happen I am affraid to say I was angry because I felt rejected. It did lead to a heated and unscheduled discussion however my point is he was willing to participate in the discussion and so listen to how I felt and what I want in a relationship. Everything else in your relationship sounds good however he needs to work on the sex side to save your relationship. He’s probably embarrassed which is why he shuts down but this isn’t going to help the relationship,

I agree that sex isn’t just PIV, BUT, nobody should be pressured into having any kind of sex that they don’t want. And let me be clear that it does not matter one bit what the reason is for someone not wanting any kind of sex, if they do not want it, that must be respected. Nobody is entitled to sex/oral/toys/manual, and nobody should be pressured into doing any of those things if they don’t want to.

Imagine the uproar of a man posting this. MN double standards at its finest.

Nobody is owed sex. Your libidos are mismatched and there's only so much you can do if you're only seeing each other so little.

Honestly you're not suited. I'd move on. You can't make him want to have more sex or would you really enjoy pity sex from him where he is just going through the motions .
You're not owed a certain number of times a week and I think you'll find that as men age , sex drive can reduce and you need to decide what's important to you .

I'd move on

Men need warming up, too. It doesn't just spring to life.

Men can be tricky. If you don't foreplay enough, there's pressure, and the anxiety leads to ED as you've suggested. If they get too much, they get 'bored', and it goes floppy.

This is an excellent response. He does think like this, and also just stops “having sex” (of any kind) once he’s come, even if I haven’t.

That’s what I mean by our sex life is only from his perspective

and also just stops “having sex” (of any kind) once he’s come, even if I haven’t.

Dump.

It’s not always selfish- sometimes he’s great at the other stuff. But always on his decision.

Which is selfish.

That would really piss me off too. There are ways he can make you come first or even make you come after he's come. Just stopping would really frustrate me.

Sometimes he will, if you see what I mean, and that’s very nice — it all just feels up to him. A fair few times he “finishes sex” and then I will touch myself as he lies there in his post coital bliss, as it were. I do come from PIV, but it has to be fully hard for that.

It’s the overall feeling that it’s about his performance rather than my pleasure that’s getting to me.

I would end the relationship. It’s outrageous that he thinks it’s job done as soon as he has ejaculated.
Will he not try sildenafil to help combat the ED?

It always surprises me with otherwise happy couples that the person not in mood (usually the one with the lower sex drive) doesn't pleasure their partner without PIV some of the time.

Not happy couples, or people who are tired or not feeling it, I totally get it.

Lying down in a blissful haze when your partner is unsatisfied is a little bit rude.

This isn’t just about mismatched libidos. OP- I totally get it.

He should be thinking about your satisfaction as well as his when you are having sex. As a pp pointed out, it doesn’t need to be PIV to be sex.

he can go down on you, or make you come in other ways. He has a sex drive.

rather than just say dump, I’d try to communicate with him about what you want. Maybe even suggest that you purposely don’t have full sex but do foreplay one night.

@Dogdaysareoverihope yes. He’s not always selfish, and sometimes he does just spend the time giving me plenty of orgasms. But the thing is he chooses that. And then other times when I’d like that he won’t, and ends up finishing himself off with his hand while I’m hoping for more interaction. Sorry, this is tmi. What I mean is I’m never getting to say what I’m in the mood for, and when.

ive been in a similar situation. You become reluctant to initiate anything in case it stresses them out, so it makes non verbal communication difficult.

most people find it difficult to talk about sex, but think it’s harder ( no pun intended!) for men. So much of their masculinity is tied up with their ability to perform that it can make it a real minefield to discuss. I think if they realised that PIV sex isn’t everything, they might relax a bit more and actually have fewer ED issues. But god knows how you say that in a way that makes them feel secure, not judged or emasculated

This sounds increasingly bizarre. He sometimes gets you off repeatedly and other times just sees to himself?! What does he say in the moment when you suggest a different position or bring out a toy / guide him to touch you etc?

Honestly it sounds like he's mentally ill and actually dangerous.

I think dangerous might be stretching it

But to answer you honestly no, he isn’t receptive to what I’ve suggested, and can be quite forceful towards what he wants