Aibu not letting exH into my house?

[Annieoak]

seprated 5 years and divorced 3. Ex had multiple affairs which I ultimately found out which completely shattered me. Co parent 50/50 our 7 year old son. Since I bought my own house and moved out of family home I have not let my exH into my home. This is my house and my sage space. He continually says I’m unreasonable.yesterday morning he came to pick son up for school and son had built a fort in the living room that he wanted to show his dad. I heard son ask dad to come in and dad said to ask me. I said no you’re heading out to school now and I’m going to work and dad doesn’t come into our house. Son then said but you came into dads last week (I did for first day of school) but that’s up to his dad not me. Son got really upset and I understand to him he just wanted to show his dad the fort but I don’t want this man in my house ever. Not only did he cause me deep heartache he also continues to cause issues with co parenting/ childcare/ new partners etc that I just don’t want him in here but I can see my son does. We don’t spend time together as a 3 ever and im happy with that.
aibu to hold firm my boundaries on this? How should I explain this to my son?

I told mine that different houses have different rules as soon as me and his Dad split up.

Nope but I think your son is right to point out the hypocrisy and you need to stay out of Dad’s place in the future to keep it easy for him to understand.

Yes well that’s exactly what I said today to my son and have said before but in his meltdown he wasn’t hearing it

You are perfectly within your rights not to let him in. Take a photo of the fort with ds beside it, send it to ex.

But is this best for my son?I know its best for me and if he was in my home I’d feel on edge and anxious and I’ve done a lot to build myself up to feeling myself again

Your poor son. He's built something he's proud of & wants to show his dad. Its not your sons fault you split up & his dad is not around 100% of the time.

And it's a house. Bricks & mortar.

Time to put your son first.

YANBU

It’s your safe space, it’s a shame your son is upset but you must stick to your rule otherwise your son will want his dad to see his room, take him to bed etc.

it’s also good for your child to learn that things don’t always happen just because he wants them to.

I think you should have made an exception to the rule so your son could show his dad the fort. He must have been so proud of it.

I would usually say put your kids first but on this area I think you are right to put yourself first.
Talk to your son when everyone has calmed down. Reassure him that he's safe and all's well but for your own, grown up reasons that you don't want to talk about, you have reasons for not allowing Dad into your home. You understand that might make him a bit sad - such as wanting to show Dad something, but it's your rule.
Dad's house, Dad's rules.

Personally, I would also stop going into his house too. Less confusing for your son.

Yes I think just don’t go into his house clearly mark out the spaces as his and yours and don’t cross that as it is clearer for your son

Nothing hypocritical about it. OP has the right to make a rule to protect herself — and her child, as he would also be affected by any further disruption the ex caused.

Be fair. I think we all know our home means a lot more than just bricks and mortar. It is, or should be, a place of safety, comfort and security. I wouldn’t want people who have hurt me in my home.

Thank you. You’ve summed up how I feel

This. But I'd have let him in briefly for your son's sake.

Well done on sticking to your boundaries.
Your son will learn soon enough.
Send a picture with your son in it.

Do not allow him into your home.

Adults make the rules.
Your house. Your rules.

YANBU. My ex will come into our house over my dead body. My kids seem to have understood this without me having to say it TBH so I'm lucky - they know that I'd prefer that they don't take too many photos/videos from within the house to send to him too, although I won't totally ban it, just as long as it's focussed on what they wanted to show him, and not other things in the house.

My ex did some awful things, which they don't know about, and probably never will (I wouldn't hide it if they asked when adults) - and I'm not going to talk him up or pretend that I have good feelings towards him (neither will I denigrate him - I stay strictly neutral - the kids will talk to me about what they did at his, but I won't interrogate them about it for instance)

You are human. You are allowed to be human, you don't have to sacrifice everything for your child - sometimes they will be disappointed to hear 'no', and that is fine.

YANBU

Stick to your rule, it will be a good lesson for your son to respect your boundaries as well, take a photo so dad can see.

Your house, your home, your rules.

Boundaries matter and you have the absolute right not to admit a man who battered yours into your space.

But your son has picked up on an inconsistency, which could look like, unfairness, hypocrisy - that you go into his father's house.

I'd say stay out.

Role model the behaviour you expect to see from his father.

It will make it easier for you to reinforce your own house rules.

And 'We don't go into each others' houses' is easier for him to comprehend than 'I go into his, but he can't come into mine'.

Your son could take a video, which you'd approve, that he could then send or take with him to show. Allows him to show what he's proud to have created, while still keeping your boundaries.

Men like this manipulate children to continue their abuse/ control. Once you give an inch they will take a mile.

YANBU.

My ex has never once crossed my threshold after 15 years apart.

Even if you lived in the former marital home this would NOT be ok.

To its not bricks and mortar, its her home and safe space.
Putting her son first is showing him that its ok to have boundaries.
A very light hearted "we can send Dad a photo" and briskly move on.

"Let's make dad a video tour after school and then you can both plan how to make an even better one when you are at his house".
My exh isn't allowed in my house, he doesn't behave, the children know this. I doubt I will ever go in his and his gf house. Tis weird but there it is.