Aibu not letting exH into my house?

[Annieoak]

seprated 5 years and divorced 3. Ex had multiple affairs which I ultimately found out which completely shattered me. Co parent 50/50 our 7 year old son. Since I bought my own house and moved out of family home I have not let my exH into my home. This is my house and my sage space. He continually says I’m unreasonable.yesterday morning he came to pick son up for school and son had built a fort in the living room that he wanted to show his dad. I heard son ask dad to come in and dad said to ask me. I said no you’re heading out to school now and I’m going to work and dad doesn’t come into our house. Son then said but you came into dads last week (I did for first day of school) but that’s up to his dad not me. Son got really upset and I understand to him he just wanted to show his dad the fort but I don’t want this man in my house ever. Not only did he cause me deep heartache he also continues to cause issues with co parenting/ childcare/ new partners etc that I just don’t want him in here but I can see my son does. We don’t spend time together as a 3 ever and im happy with that.
aibu to hold firm my boundaries on this? How should I explain this to my son?

Are you for actual real?? 🙄

some of you have been lucky enough never to have been in a coercive controlling relationship, and it shows by your posts.

OP YANBU. Keep your boundary strong.

No has to mean no.
If you let him in to see the fort, your child will think it's OK for his Dad to see his bedroom, or his baking or his new toys.
Perhaps make a big thing of taking a photo for Daddy.

At 7 years old, kids can understand safe spaces and different rules for being allowed in to different places - buildings, offices, to see the doctor/dentist etc. or even a friend's house (say Adam's you're allowed into but Ben's house, you have to wait for him to come out to you for example) and similarly, if Mum and Dad don't live together, it can be explained that Daddy doesn't come in to Mummy's home because those are the rules in Mummy's home.
Daddy might have different rules for his home and that's ok too. Even if it means that Mummy is allowed in to Daddy's home.

I don't agree with doing a video tour. The most I'd agree to is when your DS gets home, take a photo of him in the fort that can be sent to Daddy.

That's it.

You will need to have a conversation with your DS when he gets home though to explain it.

(names above are random and plucked out of the air - replace them with the names of kids he knows and visits)

Well if you want your child to believe that his father is reasonable and fair and you aren't you can go with different house different rules for these circumstances.

It would be much better to have consistency and no blurring of the boundaries you feel are so important to your wellbeing, which you can enforce without causing your child distress. Which means neither of you go into each other's homes.

To be honest I find it a bit hypothetical that you are happy to benefit from your ex s position, which realistically isn't that different of a circumstances. While causing upset to your young child to support your position.

YANBU. I left my ExH after years of verbal and financial abuse. I started out trying to be nice but after he verbally abused me in my home and on my doorstep too many times I banned him from my home and my front garden. Made him drop the kids off a few doors down and watch them walk up to the house.

Boundaries are there for a reason and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe find an age appropriate way to explain things to your DC.

you say its your safe space.. but no mention of violence or abuse by your ex, you mentioned cheating but nothing else.

i found it easier for my ex to come into the house, again no violence or physical abuse, and i always went into his, to keep at as amicable as possibe in front of the children. children are not daft, they pick up on alsorts.

A little kid doesn’t understand about the emotional safety of an adult post-relationship. Nor should they. Anyone who questions why OP needs her home to be her haven lacks empathy. BUT it does need to be explained to DC that OP shouldn’t have gone into ex’s home and won’t go in the future, as EX will not be coming into their home.

Son can take a photo. You are within your rights to say No, I would in future keep out of his place as well

Having suggested to just let son take a photo of the fort to show dad I've had second thoughts.

It's only a little step to 'nice photo! I liked seeing the room. I know, why don't you take a photo of mummy's bedroom and send it to me? Just for fun?'

yes, or him ignoring the fort to pick holes in whatever he can see of the rest of the room. Don't give him an inch!

So the son can learn that a woman's needs and boundaries are not as important as what me and boys want?