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Original poster

Mum is such hardwork

43 replies

Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 07:41

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe I just need to vent and get it off my chest...

I'm a 38f and my mum is in her 60's. We've always had an "up and down" relationship. But it spiralled after my dad left her and as she got older. She's a stereotypical "karen". Entitled and the world owes her everything. I even moved countries to get away from her, that's how bad she is.

She does regularly visit, 2-3 times a year. I have a 10month old and a 2 year old so obviously i would like them to know their grandma. But, every time she does she is such hard work. She'll sit on her backside and expect to be waited on hand and foot. If I ask her to help out by cooking dinner or doing the dishwasher, all I get back is "I'm on holiday ". I understand that she works full-time, but so do I. I don't want to waste my annual leave waiting on her.

So here's the issue. My sons christening and 1st birthday is coming up. All of our family is flying over for the weekend to celebrate. My mum said all year that she's not coming. Then, out of the blue 3 weeks ago she calls me saying that she is coming and presumed that she's staying with us. I said no as there's no room as my partners daughter from his previous marriage will be in the spare bedroom. She hung up on me and has ignored me ever since.

Was I wrong to say no? I feel so bad but I know she'll ruin the whole weekend for me! I won't have the time to be her maid and chauffeur.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Finnulafishface · 03/09/2024 07:44

“She's a stereotypical "karen"

You lost any sympathy I had for you there.

Marlena1 · 03/09/2024 07:45

Sorry to be that person but the term Karen is really awful.
I think you were right to say no on the basis that you had no room. You could pop her a message and explain the room was taken etc. You don't owe her anything but would be nice to keep the peace.

Original poster
Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 08:06

Finnulafishface · 03/09/2024 07:44

“She's a stereotypical "karen"

You lost any sympathy I had for you there.

I understand that, I was just using that to describe how she is as everyone is familiar with the description.

OP posts:
ComfyBoobs · 03/09/2024 08:08

Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 08:06

I understand that, I was just using that to describe how she is as everyone is familiar with the description.

Show quote history

All that does is make us understand that you are ageist and sexiest. Horrible term.

BugPlaster2024 · 03/09/2024 08:10

You were not wrong to say no. She assumed, she potentially wants you to run around putting things in place to sort her visit for her whether that's moving your other guest out or whatever but that's not your responsibility. Maybe this is the occasion it will take to redress the balance.

BirdFeederFun · 03/09/2024 08:11

Can you suggest a nearby hotel. I have a difficult relationship with my mum but she'd want to be there for a christening.

Ihopeithinkiknow · 03/09/2024 08:37

How does using the word Karen make someone ageist and sexist? We all know the type of behaviour the OP is talking about and the name could be Linda, Kathy or Meredith or Becky but it just so happens that the name Karen is associated with this behaviour. The Karen I know in real life doesn't act like an entitled twat and gives no shits about other people being called a Karen so why is it gasps all round whenever anyone ever uses it in this way lol ageist and sexist ffs how sensitive are people these days

Finnulafishface · 03/09/2024 08:44

Ihopeithinkiknow · 03/09/2024 08:37

How does using the word Karen make someone ageist and sexist? We all know the type of behaviour the OP is talking about and the name could be Linda, Kathy or Meredith or Becky but it just so happens that the name Karen is associated with this behaviour. The Karen I know in real life doesn't act like an entitled twat and gives no shits about other people being called a Karen so why is it gasps all round whenever anyone ever uses it in this way lol ageist and sexist ffs how sensitive are people these days

How can you miss the point so spectacularly?!

Maybe OP is more like her DM than she realises…

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2024 08:46

Honestly, you should probably just count yourself lucky given her behaviour. Let her have her tantrum. Send her a list of nearby hotels and the airbnb website and let her know it would be great to see her, but she’s going to have to organise her own accommodation and transport as you’re going to be busy with wider family and organising.

Ihopeithinkiknow · 03/09/2024 10:31

@Finnulafishface I haven't missed any point. I was pointing out that the fake outrage that people seem to have whenever anyone uses the name Karen

Campergirls1 · 03/09/2024 11:07

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2024 08:46

Honestly, you should probably just count yourself lucky given her behaviour. Let her have her tantrum. Send her a list of nearby hotels and the airbnb website and let her know it would be great to see her, but she’s going to have to organise her own accommodation and transport as you’re going to be busy with wider family and organising.

This.
Do not allow her to stay again.
It is time to address her toxic behaviour.
Better no contact that the stress of her visits.
Your children do not need a toxic grandmother in their life.
Feel absolutely no guilt.
I have zero problems with the term Karen, MN can be so tedious at times.
Its a wonder anyone opens a thread with the likelihood of posters pulling apart their posts/grammer/expression/spelling.

So much bullying on this site goes unchecked. So

Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 11:11

Don't use the word Karen to describe a woman, it's degrading and misogynist.

You know what your mum's like as you've known her all your life so why are you surprised at her behaviour? Ignore her and get on with the celebrations. She's on a power trip and wants everyone to run around after her because she can't get her own way.

Original poster
Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 12:24

Thanks for all of the responses. There's no chance of moving the other guest to a b&b etc as she's a 13 year old. Obviously not old enough to stay in one on her own. I did try explaining this to my mum but she wouldn't listen. I've suggested b&bs to my mum but she's refusing and now ignoring me so I'm not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Overbearingndn · 03/09/2024 12:43

Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 12:24

Thanks for all of the responses. There's no chance of moving the other guest to a b&b etc as she's a 13 year old. Obviously not old enough to stay in one on her own. I did try explaining this to my mum but she wouldn't listen. I've suggested b&bs to my mum but she's refusing and now ignoring me so I'm not sure what to do.

Ignore her and arrange the celebrations. Text her and let her know where and when they are. That's all you can do.

I hope you have a lovely time.

Fraaahnces · 03/09/2024 12:47

Ignore your mum. She’s an adult until she her makes adult choices and behaves like one.

TorroFerney · 03/09/2024 13:24

Ihopeithinkiknow · 03/09/2024 10:31

@Finnulafishface I haven't missed any point. I was pointing out that the fake outrage that people seem to have whenever anyone uses the name Karen

It is now used on Instagram to denigrate women whose crime, as far as I can see is to disagree with something or stand up for themselves in public. We've enough names for women without adding to them/perpetuating them I would suggest. Describe the behaviour - the type of person who....... rather than use the name.

TheCultureHusks · 03/09/2024 13:26

Hollybobs1 · 03/09/2024 08:06

I understand that, I was just using that to describe how she is as everyone is familiar with the description.

Show quote history

Everyone’s familiar with the fact that it shows the person using it to be a misogynist twat. Good luck to your mum.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/09/2024 13:26

She told you she wasn't coming and you took her at her word. She is old enough to understand she can't necessarily change her mind at the last minute.

Campergirls1 · 03/09/2024 13:32

Ignore your mother completely like you should ignore posters that are determined to de rail your thread.

Your mother is a complete pain in the ass.
Ignoring is the only way with people like that.
No apology and no explanation.

Babyboomtastic · 03/09/2024 13:32

Whilst I try to be helpful as a guest, I'm not sure how cooking etc means you are doing any extra work really. Is cooking for 1 baby and 2 adults much different from 1 baby and 3 adults. It's just slightly scaled up. The dishwasher is an extra plate and cutlery but that's it. Yes it's annoying if she's sat on her butt but it's not extra.

Yes she is being unreasonable about staying. She made the decision too late.

frozendaisy · 03/09/2024 13:34

Just be honest and a bit blunt.

Mum, just let me put this in writing to you so you don't try and twist the narrative at a later date, it would be great if you could come to the christening in 3 weeks time, as explained H's 13 yr old daughter is staying in our spare room, she cannot, nor do we want her tombe anywhere else. Saying this we are happy to help find alternative accommodation for you. If this isn't satisfactory for you then there isn't much else we can offer. But you not coming because of this is your decision so please don't say in future you weren't invited or not wanted because that just isn't the case. Have a think about it. We hope you change your mind.

Daytimedoser · 03/09/2024 13:39

No you weren’t wrong to say NO.

In future, if she visits and expects you to wait on her because she’s “on holiday” then just tell her that at the very least she can make her own dinner, wash her own dishes and generally clean up after herself !

Even on holiday we have to do the basics.

She’s chosen to not talk to you, so leave it at that.
She’ll be expecting you to call her, apologise and make special plans for her.

Minimal contact may turn out to be for the best.

Ava27268 · 03/09/2024 13:43

It’s not unreasonable. I doubt you will be able to change her mind, however. You only need to read some of the threads on Gransnet to see that many older women consider themselves entitled to their DD/DiL’s time and the whole ‘I’m on holiday’ and refusing to share the burden of housework is very much deliberate. I really wouldn’t feel guilty though- it’s her problem, not yours.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/09/2024 13:45

So you invited her, she said no and changed her mind 3 weeks before the event? I’d repeat that back to her and say that you’ve found a good hotel X and you’d still hope she can attend.

I can’t believe everyone getting hung up on the Karen thing. You used inverted commas - it’s entered our vocab and everyone knows what is meant by it, whether they like it or not. Nothing to do with real-life Karens, it’s just a phrase that stuck.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 03/09/2024 13:46

Daytimedoser · 03/09/2024 13:39

No you weren’t wrong to say NO.

In future, if she visits and expects you to wait on her because she’s “on holiday” then just tell her that at the very least she can make her own dinner, wash her own dishes and generally clean up after herself !

Even on holiday we have to do the basics.

She’s chosen to not talk to you, so leave it at that.
She’ll be expecting you to call her, apologise and make special plans for her.

Minimal contact may turn out to be for the best.

Edited

Agree - tell her she can be on holiday at yours but it’s self-catering from now on 😂