Mum is such hardwork

[Hollybobs1]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe I just need to vent and get it off my chest...

I'm a 38f and my mum is in her 60's. We've always had an "up and down" relationship. But it spiralled after my dad left her and as she got older. She's a stereotypical "karen". Entitled and the world owes her everything. I even moved countries to get away from her, that's how bad she is.

She does regularly visit, 2-3 times a year. I have a 10month old and a 2 year old so obviously i would like them to know their grandma. But, every time she does she is such hard work. She'll sit on her backside and expect to be waited on hand and foot. If I ask her to help out by cooking dinner or doing the dishwasher, all I get back is "I'm on holiday ". I understand that she works full-time, but so do I. I don't want to waste my annual leave waiting on her.

So here's the issue. My sons christening and 1st birthday is coming up. All of our family is flying over for the weekend to celebrate. My mum said all year that she's not coming. Then, out of the blue 3 weeks ago she calls me saying that she is coming and presumed that she's staying with us. I said no as there's no room as my partners daughter from his previous marriage will be in the spare bedroom. She hung up on me and has ignored me ever since.

Was I wrong to say no? I feel so bad but I know she'll ruin the whole weekend for me! I won't have the time to be her maid and chauffeur.

Thanks for reading.

Just ignore her. It's her that's going to miss out. Can you imagine doing the same thing to your children in the future? No, I'm sure you would not treat them like that. Sorry you have such a rubbish mum.

I would stop worrying about your mother. Maybe send her a list of hotels. You have done all you can. If she doesn’t come so be it. If she wants to be waited on she can stay in a hotel next time and you need to tell her that. I would never expect my adult children to wait on me but usually they prefer for me to look after the children while they do other things.
So many problems on here are because people just not blunt enough.

Great comment!!

Hosting an adult who doesn’t lift a finger to help can involve a lot more work than serving an extra plate of food. It really depends on the personality of the individual being hosted. However, in my experience refusing to help a mother with a young child to take on the extra burden of hosting them is a big red flag for nightmare guest. Ie the sort of person who will also make a fuss about what meals they are served; meal timings not being in line with their usual routine; what they want to watch on television; the temperature of their bedroom; having adequate room in a wardrobe for the million and one outfits they brought and bristling about being invited to help themselves to the stack of guest towels when they wanted to be handed a set of guest towels instead; the noise of the boiler waking them in the morning; the way the water tastes and how hard it is to wash their face with, etc etc etc. That is before I even get to their attitude to the child and giving their unsolicited ‘advice’ on how they are being disciplined, or weaned, or potty trained etc etc etc…

Yes, that things are a nightmare and a lot of extra work. But the things the OP mentions is when she asks her to cook or load the dishwasher. I'm not sure I've ever (or would ever) ask a guest to cook in my house. Those things are mentioned are quite cheeky to ask of a guest tbh.

Me too. Can't stand people using this term. It says everything about them, and nothing about the person they are denigrating.

It is a lot when you were in labour 48 hours before and the whole purpose of her coming was to help me out and meet her new grandson 🙄

I suppose I see it differently. Hosting when you have the demands of little children is very intense. It’s very different to a situation where you might host but have no children / grown up children. OP will presumably be operating on broken sleep and has a whole little life to look after, never mind her own, and she works! If I have family and friends round for longer than an afternoon I would expect them to at least offer to help. When I visit friends with babies/infants - even if just for a morning- I ask if I can bring food, I’ll help prepare it and help tidy it away. As a sign of love and respect for my friend. They’ve already spent hours cleaning and tidying up to make the place look decent, it’s the least I can do!

I have young kids. Very demanding young kids, one with a disability. Neither sleep well, and I'm still in the trenches is sleep deprivation myself. I still think it's very odd to invite them to stay and then ask that they cook for you.

I guess it's slightly different if they are coming specifically to 'help' after a new baby - I wouldn't/didn't expect anyone to do our chores when we had babies, but I accept that some people do.

And I agree that I'd often offer to help out if I'm round sometime elses, but I certainly wouldn't expect help myself. It's nice if someone offers, but I personally think it's entitled to expect it.

How is it entitled? I always help out every time I stay at her house. Surely I should be able to expect the same courtesy? My H's mum helps out every time she has visited, just as I help her out every time we visit. It's showing respect to the hosts.

Your mum and my MIL sound like sisters from different parents OP!

No your not being unreasonable she's a grown woman and can sort herself out!
My MIL also doesn't stay with us anymore I refuse to play hostess when she won't even put the bloody kettle on! She moaned about a meal I had made that she was going to have to have bread and butter (there were 6 different dishes to choose from as I knew she was picky so did tapas options) when DS1 was 3 weeks old and that for me was the final straw!

She moans that she has to pay out when visiting us but I at least have some sanity and downtime when she does!

Don't pander to her foot stomping strop you already have 1 toddler to deal with don't add in the vintage one as well!

@Ava27268 oh, you’ve met my mum! The fussing, demands, wanting things done on her own timetable etc. She literally did this when l hadn’t long been back at work after maternity, lm dealing with twins and she’s hinting heavily about dinner ASAP. When lm busy, she won’t do food or do childcare. I don’t think she’s changed any of my children’s nappies. Don’t think she’s ever cooked my husband a meal. She’s rather avoidant and self absorbed.

@Hollybobs1 l would just calmly reiterate there is no room at the inn. Enquire if she wants hotel or B&B recommendations. Don’t feed into her drama and try not to give it head space. Hard l know

@Ava27268 @MrRobinsonsQuango @Scottishskifun thank you all for understanding. You've all hit the nail on the head with these replies. She is exactly the same. Won't put the kettle on or interact with her grandchildren while I cook dinner, moans about buying her own food, treats me and DH like servants and we never get a thank you when she leaves.

I actually don't know why I feel so guilty. This is the longest she's ever ignored me and it's really getting to me. She's the only person that won't be there.

Hi Mum,
Hanging up on / stone-walling me is childish, yet rather predictable - still, it has become so very tiresome having to put up with this from a grown woman.

Anyway, as previously explained XX will be staying at ours so we won’t be able to host you on this occasion, however, should you still like to join us for the christening, the details are XYZ and I’ve attached a list of local BnB’ / hotels etc.

It’d be a shame for a grandparent to miss their grandchild’s special day, but it’s your decision of course.

As you can imagine I’m flat out with work, kids and organising the christening so won’t be chasing your reply and will leave it up to you to decide.
Regards, Hollibobs..

Stop pandering to her bullshit.

Leave her to it!

You feel guilty because she wants you to.
She’s emotionally abusing you.

Regarding posters saying, as a guest she shouldn’t have to cook and do housework … it’s your mum,visiting you and her grandchild, not just any guest.
When I had first child, my mum visited for 3 weeks to help me. She cooked, cleaned and shopped for me. She was just amazing. I was knackered from lack of sleep and breast feeding.

It wasn’t expected of her. She wanted to do it.

I wish you hadn't used the name 'Karen' as you did OP- for the reasons above and because it confuses the issues.

'Karen' is used to put women (mothers/grandmothers-middle aged) in their place. It is given to those of this generation when they stand up and speak out. (They are dismissed as bitter or complaining or entitled etc. whenever they speak up -you are just a 'Karen.)

By suggesting we all know women like the 'Karens' described, you are suggesting that it is normal for women to end up bitter or angry or complaining.

If you were right, then your mother's behaviour would be normal... and clearly it isn't.

No you are not wrong for saying no. Her reaction and sulking is to punish you for not jumping through her hoops. It (her behaviour) is very controlling. I'd uninvite her from the christening too.

And tell her exactly why.

My mum is very similar in that she expects everyone to pander to her whims and run around after her like some sort of unpaid slave and doesn't like it when she's told no. I either get a stony silence or waterworks. This is so I'm (in her mind) either worrying that I've upset her or trying to work out how to sooth her distress. In other words, get all the attention back on to her again.

Doesn't wash with me anymore. I am the evil daughter.