He has lost both parents - how can I make his birthday special?

cantthinkofausername26 · 2024-09-02T22:22:39+00:00

My husband has lost both parents within 18 months. It is his birthday in a few weeks. He has 3 siblings that won't bother. How can I make it really special for him? He isn't a 'stuff' person. Doesn't want me spending a fortune. He likes sport and books. We have two little girls (8 and 11) Any ideas gratefully received

CherrySocks · 02/09/2024 23:26

Organise a sport-related day out? Does he like watching sport or doing sport?

EleanorMc67 · 02/09/2024 23:40

Where do you live? Here in Edinburgh there are literary tours, which there will also be in other cities such as London & Dublin. With some internet research you could fairly easily find out yourself about any authors who lived/worked in your area, and make your own tour for him. I did something similar but music-based for my partner, by doing a short road trip based on all the locations listed in the Van Morrison song, Coney Island ...

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 02/09/2024 23:45

A trip to a huge second hand book shop with a café?
Like Barter Books in Alnwick.
Or leakeys in Inverness.

Or a nice new bookshop like Toppings and co.

My partner got us tickets for a Jackie Kay reading which came with a signed book. I loved that.

Stewandsocks · 03/09/2024 00:02

I think just making a fuss - cards, cake, thoughtful presents - to make him feel loved and at the heart of a family would help, rather than trying to get the perfect present or experience. And being understanding and giving him a hug if he's missing his parents.

SkaneTos · 03/09/2024 00:03

Spending the day with his spouse and his children will make it special.

Some ideas

Your DH and you and your daughters go out to eat together, and then you all go to the cinema
Are there any books in particular that he would like as presents? A new book by an author that he likes? A biography of an athlete?
Does your daughters like to cook? They can help with cooking his favourite meal.

NewName24 · 03/09/2024 00:06

Stewandsocks · 03/09/2024 00:02

I think just making a fuss - cards, cake, thoughtful presents - to make him feel loved and at the heart of a family would help, rather than trying to get the perfect present or experience. And being understanding and giving him a hug if he's missing his parents.

This.

Original poster

cantthinkofausername26 · 03/09/2024 12:32

Thank you so much for the ideas. You're right, he needs to be made a fuss of. The book tours sound great, I'll look for one in London

OP posts:

TOOearlyForChristmas · 03/09/2024 12:35

I am going to go against the grain here. Does your husband want to celebrate his first birthday without his parents? What are his wishes? I ask this because I lost a parent, and people didn't respect my wishes of not making a fuss. I was in a bad place, and didn't want any fuss or "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" from people as though nothing had even happened. Only, it wasn't happy. It felt forced, and upset me more on the day, and made it more painful than it would have been, had they listened. I know they were coming from a good place, but I wanted understanding, and to be left alone for one day.

RenoDakota · 03/09/2024 12:42

All these ideas sound great. I have another suggestion, which may or may not be right for you both. Sorry if this idea is not welcome or appropriate for you as a family...
I always go to my partner's parents' grave with him on his birthday, their birthdays, and other special occasions. It really means a lot to him to do that. We lay flowers, have a little word, then have a lovely lunch out afterwards.
But, whatever you do, you sound so caring and thoughtful that you will make it special anyway.

vix3rd · 03/09/2024 12:45

Could you do hospitality at the local football club ?
That always seems to go down well here.

bergamotorange · 03/09/2024 12:46

I agree with @TOOearlyForChristmas - speak to your DH and don't arrange surprises as he might not be feeling very celebratory after two big bereavements.

ilovepixie · 03/09/2024 13:14

Just spending it together with you and his daughters. Have a nice day, let the children make cards and presents and a birthday cake. Go for a nice walk and food. Maybe a trip to a book shop where you all pick a book.

EleanorMc67 · 03/09/2024 13:59

There are some companies that offer them in London - but I've just found this DIY one here https://secretldn.com/literary-walking-tour/. You could tailor it in length if you're taking your children along, & there are pub stops for food & drinks too. You could maybe even make a little map to engage the children as well ...

This Is The Ultimate London Literary Walking Tour For Book-Lovers

London is brimming with amazing literary spots so we've created the ultimate walking tour to hit all the best spots.

https://secretldn.com/literary-walking-tour

mmgirish · 03/09/2024 14:03

Breakfast in bed? Favourite dinner cooked or a meal out?

SpringKitten · 03/09/2024 14:11

I agree with @TOOearlyForChristmas

Ask your dh what he’d like to do for his upcoming birthday just in case it’s on his mind that he really does or doesn’t want a fuss. After I lost my mum and dad my birthday felt like a sucker punch because mum always made it such a nice celebration.

I did welcomed a distraction (going out to lunch and a park with my little kids) and the idea of creating some new birthday traditions felt okay. But it would have been hard to feel really happy that first birthday without mum or dad.

on the other hand he may love the idea of celebrating being alive, having a wonderful wife and kids, and creating some beautiful memories - in which case a special treat would be much appreciated im sure.

BeaRF75 · 03/09/2024 14:17

I don't see the connection. Why does his bereavement mean he needs a fuss for his birthday? It feelks a bit patronising. In his shoes, lots of people would definitely want to keep it low key.
Maybe be a grown up and ask him?

Favouritefruits · 03/09/2024 14:41

my husband loves family days out when everyone is enjoying themselves such as a trip to Alton towers for the day and then a meal out on the way home!
or
A trip to the nearest city for a coffee and croissant breakfast a stroll around the shops and a outing to the cinema and a nice meal.

if he’s busy all day he won’t dwell on the fact his parents aren’t around and his siblings don’t care.

TOOearlyForChristmas · 03/09/2024 15:17

Favouritefruits · 03/09/2024 14:41

my husband loves family days out when everyone is enjoying themselves such as a trip to Alton towers for the day and then a meal out on the way home!
or
A trip to the nearest city for a coffee and croissant breakfast a stroll around the shops and a outing to the cinema and a nice meal.

if he’s busy all day he won’t dwell on the fact his parents aren’t around and his siblings don’t care.

I don't think you can speak for op's dh though. I wouldn't have been happy with it, a distraction would not have worked. I had no inclination to even get ready. Op needs imo to ask her dh who is an adult, what his wishes for his birthday this year are.

bergamotorange · 03/09/2024 15:22

If he’s busy all day he won’t dwell on the fact his parents aren’t around This is rather insensitive, grief isn't just 'dwelling on' someone not being 'around'.

Givemegoldensun · 03/09/2024 15:49

BeaRF75 · 03/09/2024 14:17

I don't see the connection. Why does his bereavement mean he needs a fuss for his birthday? It feelks a bit patronising. In his shoes, lots of people would definitely want to keep it low key.
Maybe be a grown up and ask him?

This isn’t very nice. The OP is just trying to be there for him.

Thestreets · 03/09/2024 16:03

BeaRF75 · 03/09/2024 14:17

I don't see the connection. Why does his bereavement mean he needs a fuss for his birthday? It feelks a bit patronising. In his shoes, lots of people would definitely want to keep it low key.
Maybe be a grown up and ask him?

Did you mean to be such a twat?

Original poster

cantthinkofausername26 · 03/09/2024 20:55

EleanorMc67 · 03/09/2024 13:59

There are some companies that offer them in London - but I've just found this DIY one here https://secretldn.com/literary-walking-tour/. You could tailor it in length if you're taking your children along, & there are pub stops for food & drinks too. You could maybe even make a little map to engage the children as well ...

That's so kind of you to look, thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

cantthinkofausername26 · 03/09/2024 20:57

BeaRF75 · 03/09/2024 14:17

I don't see the connection. Why does his bereavement mean he needs a fuss for his birthday? It feelks a bit patronising. In his shoes, lots of people would definitely want to keep it low key.
Maybe be a grown up and ask him?

What on earth possesses people like you to be so damn nasty?? So unnecessary and so very spiteful.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantthinkofausername26 · 03/09/2024 21:00

I really appreciate your comments. Those that has suggested he might not like a fuss, I did ask him what he wanted to do and he says he didn't know. He suggested his favourite restaurant for dinner which I have booked.

To the incredibly rude person asking why he deserves to be made a fuss of JUST because his parents died - because they always made a fuss on his birthday and now they are gone.

OP posts:

Arlanymor · 03/09/2024 21:07

It’s really lovely that you are being so solicitous of his situation and guess you’ve had a bit of a chat to him to gauge what kind of size or type of thing he might be up for? So presuming he’s happy with a nice family day - because your close unit is now his whole family - I have a few ideas:

https://www.walks.com/london-literary-tours/ - these people are ace, when I lived in London I literally had a loyalty card! Also cater for all ages.
https://dallowayterrace.com - afternoon tea here? Pretend to be one of the Bloomsbury set!
https://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Attraction_Review-g186338-d23858246-Reviews-Monopoly_Lifesized-London_England.html - not a sport as such, but a game!

Al Fresco Dining London & Outdoor Restaurant | Dalloway Terrace

https://dallowayterrace.com