Why would I imagine something hurtful was said to me?

[loosingmy]

Some months ago a family member said something very hurtful to me. One short and very specific sentence. Now I tried to talk about it with them. They denied to have said it and got very angry at me for making that up. We both were not drunk or agitated in a way that we wouldn't know what we just said or what we just heard. It's also not about that I got something wrong or misheard. I'm convinced they said exactly that sentence and they are denying that. They are truly mad at me for wrongly accusing them because they are convinced they didn't say it.
How likely is it that I made this sentence up in my mind? Why would I do that?

This 'gaslighting' is so hurtful isn't it. I have been in this situation MANY times with certain family members. It hurt sooo much at the time that I went into my shell so to speak. When I brought it up days later, when I had the courage to confront it, I was shouted down and it was denied etc. I honestly wonder if they 'actually' cant recall it. Because they had an adrenalin rush and went into chastising behaviour etc when brought up again by me they seemed oblivious to the most hurtful words they had said. Although b/c they seemed so uncomfortable with what I was saying, (couldnt look at me, couldn't keep still etc) I cant be sure. There is mistrust for sure.
The PEACE comes, well for me, in accepting that behaviour is about them. That defensive learnt behaviour is about them. I dont tolerate it yet I know I cant change it. That would be their decision. With a certain person who does this whom I have chosen to still have in my life, I watch this very unpleasant behaviour when it shows up, and I affirm that I wont engage when they behave this way, then I take time out too look after ME , and return when I am good 'n ready. Not a perfect situation at all but it mostly works for me. And I am unapologetic about taking time out for myself for self care. The 'other' in this situation knows I wont tolerate their BS now, and small changes, small changes have occured! Good luck!

When I say small changes, thats when they interact with me. I dont think the changes are consistent because this person doesn't do introspection or reflection, they are very reactive. But with me , because I dont tolerate it now, their behaviour is different with me. Having said that , because they cant take accountability for their own actions, they can still say mean things like ....'you're so strict, you're so inflexible, you're so formal' etc etc
I just walk away

Think of it like dealing with a 5 yr old as imo thats their emotional state

Several years ago my dear mother looked me in the eyes and said, with venom: ' I HATE you, [my name]'. She denied it for years because it didn't fit in with the person she believed herself to be and now I think due to mental decline has genuinely forgotten it.

I know she said it, even if she doesn't.

that must have really hurt.I received a something similar from a parent that was completely denied when I brought it up. Interestingly they denied it and walked out ....isnt that interesting!

One cannot be gaslit is one is ungaslightable.
I know, like u do, that he said what he said

“defensive learnt behaviour”: Like I said they were visibly enraged but then said in a very sharp, dismissive tone “I wouldn't even think something like that”. The only theory I could come up with why I might falsely remember that this sentence was spoken out loud is that I “heard” what was spoken “silent” with all their passive-aggressive comments and actions. That I “heard” it because I sensed it so strong. I dismissed that theory because the wording of that sentence was so very specific. You could see it as a deliberate lie that they added that they also wouldn't think it. But I know how important it is for them to be seen as a “good person” (like #BeachRides mother?) and such a “good person” of course wouldn't talk or think aggressively bad about others. I'm convinced it is essential for them to believe that about themselves. They needed to shield themselves when confronted with my memory.

Like it was mentioned the term “gaslighting” is understood as being done deliberately because it has its origin in a play/movie where a husband very deliberately makes his wife distrust her own perception and memory to prevent that she discovers his criminal activities. When I first looked up what “gaslightíng” means only the description what it does to the victim sounded very familiar not the reasons why it is done. Someone earlier mentioned there must be delusion involved if “unintentional gaslighting” could be assumed and I would agree to that.

In that play/movie the wife discovers that she is gaslit when a third person gets involved. I would feel so relieved if I had this kind of confirmation from outside – or a recording of what was said. Since I don't have that I try to analyze what is going on.

OP I must say, you sound incredibly insightful.

But I know how important it is for them to be seen as a “good person”

I think you are spot on with this. When I confronted my parent over something they said that was downright mean, thats the kind of answer I got....

'how can you cay this about me? I would never say anything like that etc etc'

Err...you did say it , you damn well did , and I sure as hell heard it correctly.

It became about how awful I was to suggest this ....if that isn't a red flag I dont know what is!

There is a very good acronym .....SLAY to protrect yourself against such personality styles.

Strategy- decide how you will be with them. i.e. what response you will give when they show u their BS.

Leverage- WATCH what they say /do...keepnote. Not total them out but to re look at your logs...to ensure u got it right!

Anticipation- know THEY will gaslight and show u their BS. Its their learnt behaviour.

You- standing tall in your power, not giving it away. Believe YOUSELF.

not to call them out....... I meant to type

Thank you!
For so long I thought I did try every strategy. But all the time I tried to please them in order to avoid getting attacked. But I think I have to learn that this is not possible to reach. I still can't anticipate their reaction. Afterwards I always think, how could I've been so stupid not to have seen this coming. I think they don't want be pleased by me and that's why it doesn't matter what I do. I am drawing straws while all straws are short. In the end everything becomes about how awful I am.
You suggested to think about it like dealing with a 5yo. I think this is very important. To acknowledge that their setup is very different from mine. But in difference to a 5 yo I will never really get them. I understand that I am called sentimental but I just can observe that they are miserable. For my own sanity I have to convince myself that it is not my fault. No matter how much they want it to be. Since I am that involved I will never be really able to anticipate anything or fully understand it.

It sounds like they didn't mean it, can't remember, or you did in fact mishear or they were saying it about someone/something else.
It's ott that they seemed so angry. I guess I'd be angry if I was accused of saying something rude and I strongly believed I didn't say it. She could be very embarrassed and that's her only way of getting out of addressing the situation.
I hope it can be resolved. If you're prepared to draw a live under it. If she's usually a good person I hope so.