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Original poster

Do cheaters stop cheating

63 replies

Wintercollection · 02/09/2024 10:48

My new partner left his wife to be with me. I was single and planned to stay that way, but after a lot of deep conversations—where he assured me that his marriage was over for years—we ended up together. He promised me that his marriage was completely done. It wasn’t easy, but I fell in love quickly, and everything seemed great. We started planning a future together, which I was really excited about.

But lately, I’ve been blindsided by something that’s been right in front of me for months. I’ve noticed a subtle change in our relationship. He’s mentioned a certain woman several times but always downplays their connection, which I found strange, especially since they seem very friendly on their social media accounts. I’ve also noticed he’s constantly on his phone, messaging someone, and I realized he’s been arranging to go to events where she’ll be, even when he doesn’t need to be there. Our sex life, which used to be good, has dropped to once a month. We still look happy to everyone on the outside, but I’ve heard he’s told someone I’m not who he thought I was.

Do you think history is repeating itself? Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater?

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 02/09/2024 10:50

It’s the thrill of the new. I don’t imagine he’ll change his modus operandi.

SatansBobbleheadedDashboardOrnament · 02/09/2024 10:52

Well, it's not looking good, is it? All of the classic signs point towards him cheating. And he was a right dick to say that about you regardless.
I think if somebody cheats when they are very young then, yes, they can change. But an older, married man who left his wife for another woman? I'd put money on him doing it again.

Limth · 02/09/2024 10:58

Sorry but I don't think cheaters ever change.

Even in cases where they've been caught, been through marriage counseling, and technically changed their behaviour and don't actually cheat any more, I believe they still think about it and would cheat in a heartbeat if they knew they'd get away with it.

HappyHeader · 02/09/2024 11:02

That old adage “when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy” has held true in a lot of cases I know of.

Movinghouseatlast · 02/09/2024 11:05

My cheater had literally never been able to be faithful to anyone. Even the love of his life ( he said) who he was absolutely mad about and about to move in together he ruined the relationship with a one night stand.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 02/09/2024 11:10

My Dad has ( I think). It took him until age 60 though, and I think it's because he knows the woman he's now with will leave him without a second thought, and that he's losing his looks. He's finally scared of spending the rest of his life alone.

user9578 · 02/09/2024 11:13

Not all cheaters are the same, people like to simplify and tar everyone with the same brush but it's really not that black and white.

I was a 'cheater'. I would never cheat again, I know I wouldn't. There were very specific circumstances that led to me cheating which couldn't happen again.

So not, not all cheats will continuously cheat. However, in your case, I'd be suspicious.

Notamum12345577 · 02/09/2024 12:08

Wintercollection · 02/09/2024 10:48

My new partner left his wife to be with me. I was single and planned to stay that way, but after a lot of deep conversations—where he assured me that his marriage was over for years—we ended up together. He promised me that his marriage was completely done. It wasn’t easy, but I fell in love quickly, and everything seemed great. We started planning a future together, which I was really excited about.

But lately, I’ve been blindsided by something that’s been right in front of me for months. I’ve noticed a subtle change in our relationship. He’s mentioned a certain woman several times but always downplays their connection, which I found strange, especially since they seem very friendly on their social media accounts. I’ve also noticed he’s constantly on his phone, messaging someone, and I realized he’s been arranging to go to events where she’ll be, even when he doesn’t need to be there. Our sex life, which used to be good, has dropped to once a month. We still look happy to everyone on the outside, but I’ve heard he’s told someone I’m not who he thought I was.

Do you think history is repeating itself? Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater?

Well you had an affair with him, so you know what he is like. Do you expect him to behave any differently now? I wouldn’t say ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ all the time, ie someone cheated on their partner, they were forgiven and never did it again type of thing. But when someone leaves their wife for their affair, that shows then cheating works!

Edingril · 02/09/2024 12:12

Why did you feel more special than the rest?

BeeCucumber · 02/09/2024 12:24

Spots. Leopard. Change. Never.

Odiebay · 02/09/2024 13:30

I mean they do say "marry the mistress , create a vacancy".

Caravaggiouch · 02/09/2024 13:31

I don’t believe that once a cheater is always a cheater. But I do believe in trusting your gut, and if something feels like it’s not right, then it probably isn’t.

roseymoira · 02/09/2024 13:38

So you were OW who thought he'd change for you? No I don't think he will no, I mean the signs were already there weren't they

Anotherparkingthread · 02/09/2024 13:48

I actually know a good number of men who left for their affair partner and then remained happy/faithful. My best friends dad did this and he stayed with the ow til he died. You will get a bias view here because a lot of people want to believe the narrative that the ow will get her comeuppence and be punished for stealing somebody else's husband. But it's a load of shit. Some people are prolific cheats who can't help themselves, some people are in bad/dull relationships and meet somebody else, some people aren't capable of settling down long term, others are just weak willed and easily tempted. It's different in every single situation and there is no one answer fits all. You know him, you know how he behaved towards you. If you think something is up it probably is.

Deargodletitgo · 02/09/2024 13:52

Really depends why someone cheats. There's situational cheats (wrong relationship and feel they can't leave for some reason but missing intimacy) or personality cheats (no matter how good the relationship they need the thrill or high of the sex and deceit).

I think he's the second I'm afraid.

GoodnightJude1 · 02/09/2024 13:53

I think it depends on lots of different things.

I cheated on my ex years and years ago. He was emotionally, financially and physically abusive. I cheated on him with a man that showed me kindness and listened to me. I felt safe with him and I’d not felt like that before.
I should have ended the relationship with my ex but I was vulnerable and scared of what he’d do to me and our DD if I did. So I stuck with the abuse and tried to block it out and found comfort in the few hours a fortnight I had with the other guy.

I am very happily married now and I can 100% say that I would never, ever cheat on my DH.

CleanShirt · 02/09/2024 13:53

HappyHeader · 02/09/2024 11:02

That old adage “when a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy” has held true in a lot of cases I know of.

This is spot on.

You've built a house on another woman's tears.

Lavender14 · 02/09/2024 13:53

I think it depends on why someone is cheating in the first place. Is it because they've made a really awful error in judgement and they're fully remorseful, or is it because they aren't prepared to do the work involved staying committed to someone, they don't understand that the initial excitement will wane and they'll need to work to create a deeper connection, they have trouble making deeper commitments in general, they are only excited by the thrill of the chase or are they selfish and want to enjoy a single life while still having the security and stability a relationship provides. I think it's usually the case that someone who allows themselves to cheat isn't holding themselves to a high enough moral standard so they may see it as something they'd be open to again once the honeymoon wears off.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/09/2024 13:54

No, it always happens again.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 02/09/2024 13:55

There's a country song called guilty flowers, by Ward Thomas, listen to it

CleanShirt · 02/09/2024 13:59

Stbxh left me for OW. I'm sure he told her our marriage was dead etc. I was completely blindsided and had no idea there was any issue until he upped and left.

We got together 9 years ago when he was "just out of a relationship". In hindsight, I wonder if this was actually true and if I was just part of his pattern.

So no, they don't change. Next time find someone who isn't married.

mambojambodothetango · 02/09/2024 14:00

I know of one man who cheated on his wife because he was very unhappy (not an excuse I know and he says this and is very ashamed he did it rather than leave her). He didn't go to the OW, he confessed, the marriage ended. He then started dating again and met my friend, fell madly in love, told her all about what had happened in his past and has been a wonderful husband to her. I honestly think in some circumstances, yes, someone who cheated once might never do it again.

TheCultureHusks · 02/09/2024 14:00

Well it’s not a given, but obviously one of the main things you know about them is that they would! So… 🤷‍♀️ narrows the odds rather doesn’t it!

I’d get ahead of the game and dump him, explaining that you’re really sorry, but he’s just not who you thought he would be. And the sex also just isn’t what you thought it would be…

IDoHopeKarmaIsABitch · 02/09/2024 14:00

Nothing you've said rules you out of being the woman my ex-husband left me for. I do hope you are her and get what you deserve.

MonsteraMama · 02/09/2024 14:02

Cheaters can change, it can be a one time thing or a circumstantial thing. Not every person who cheats will cheat again.

I don't think that's the case with yours though. The issue is he doesn't think he did anything wrong by cheating on his wife, does he. He's justified it to himself (and you, with the cheater's script, you poor gullible fool) and will have done absolutely zero soul searching or working on himself as a result. He's justified it once before with no remorse, why would you be any different? Once the shine's gone off you, you'll be in the exact same position his wife was - probably blissfully unaware that their marriage was "dead" while he monkey branched to you.

I imagine he'll be assuring the new woman that his relationship with you is dead and over shortly, even if you're not aware of that fact yet.