Do cheaters stop cheating

[Wintercollection]

My new partner left his wife to be with me. I was single and planned to stay that way, but after a lot of deep conversations—where he assured me that his marriage was over for years—we ended up together. He promised me that his marriage was completely done. It wasn’t easy, but I fell in love quickly, and everything seemed great. We started planning a future together, which I was really excited about.

But lately, I’ve been blindsided by something that’s been right in front of me for months. I’ve noticed a subtle change in our relationship. He’s mentioned a certain woman several times but always downplays their connection, which I found strange, especially since they seem very friendly on their social media accounts. I’ve also noticed he’s constantly on his phone, messaging someone, and I realized he’s been arranging to go to events where she’ll be, even when he doesn’t need to be there. Our sex life, which used to be good, has dropped to once a month. We still look happy to everyone on the outside, but I’ve heard he’s told someone I’m not who he thought I was.

Do you think history is repeating itself? Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater?

I could not & would not be with any man who had a history of cheating, let alone one who left his wife for me. I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could throw them. But that’s just my opinion.

My mother cheated on my dad when I was a child & she then left my dad for the other man (& continued to be a cheat) My silly dad then got with someone who left her husband to be with my dad… He was besotted with her would have gone to the end of the earth for her, she cheated on my dad twice & twice he forgave her. They then broke up & she got with someone else, she then cheated on him with my dad (unbeknown to my dad) we was leaving the house to take us to school one morning & the man jumped out his car asking my dad who he was as he had followed his girlfriend after being suspicious!

You’re right, and I can see now that I’ve been totally blindsided by my feelings. I’ve been trying to convince myself that this situation is different, but deep down, I’ve probably known all along that if someone can justify cheating once, they can do it again. It’s tough to admit, but I’ve been naive to think I’d be the exception or that things would just magically change.

Sounds as if it's a pattern of behaviour with him that is never likely to change.

Karma.
No matter how long it takes it happens.
I waited 17 years for one to get bitten.
Then waited 20 for the other.
A dish served cold year's later.

It depends. A family member left his wife for the OW and they were happily married for 40 years. On the other hand a good friend was the OW and when he finally got booted out left his wife he lived with my friend fir all of 6 months before he was looking around again AND went on to do the same thing to the next woman. 🤷‍♀️

I was the single mistress. Am now married to someone else and know I won't cheat now that I have made that commitment.

Cheaters don't change - they either get caught or don't get caught.

I’ve heard he’s told someone I’m not who he thought I was.

It's not nice being the one lied about, is it? They lie to you, they'll lie about you. They can be so very believable; such a nice, hard done by guy just wanting someone to finally love him, to make his poor sad existence complete.

Until they turn their head in the direction of the next someone else. And it all starts again ...

People are so limited in their understanding

Of course people can cheat just once. It totally depends on the circumstances

It's like asking if a killer will kill again. Someone who kills to protect their dc is not the same as someone who kills as a compulsion

Same with cheating. It depends

”but I’ve heard he’s told someone I’m not who he thought I was.”

Who cares if he manages to cheat with this woman or not (he clearly wants to).

He has said the above about you to someone else. So obviously, it’s time for you to take the power back and LTB.

Tell him he isn’t who you thought he was and wave him off.

op, i hope hes cheating so u can feel what his ex wife felt. you deserve everything you get

100% this i know what its like to have your world torn apart and watch the other woman do the pick me dance.
While your trying to pick up the pieces and act like your ok but breakdown when your on your own.

She’s not saying that.

The truth of it is, some people are just better suited to each other, and they don’t always find each other in the “acceptable” way.

My sister met her exhusband when they were both married. 7yrs later he cheated on her with someone else. He made her a lot of promises, they had a pretty amazing life and I think she has had a bit of an awakening when it all feel apart I honestly don't think she would cheat again ever, she's had A LOT of counselling and very reflective on what she did.

Ive heard he told someone im not what he thought i was.
Well im sure he said the same to you about his wife.
Hurts dont it.
I have no pitty.

You reap what you sow.

@Wintercollection, it sounds like the faithless sneaky liar is still a faithless sneaky liar…

You believed that you won the prize, but the character flaws that enabled his cheating — selfishness, entitlement, susceptibility to illicit thrills, etc. — are still present.

In affair recovery, it is routinely advised that the cheater seek individual counselling to examine these weaknesses in order to take responsibility, strengthen boundaries, and safeguard fidelity. Unfortunately, if the adulterer leaves for the affair partner, the self-serving flaws are usually not considered, addressed, or worked on to protect his/her fidelity in the new relationship. Likewise, the OW/OM often fails to address their attraction to/trust in the devious liar or their willingness to help harm innocent people.

His current suspicious behaviour suggests that he is once again ‘looking for adventure’ via illicit validation, and is blaming you for not measuring up, i.e. using devaluation to justify his unethical choices. You may be getting a tiny inkling of how unsettled his Wife felt while he was serving her his shit sandwiches.

@Wintercollection, you should want much better for yourself. You don’t have to stay with this gaslighting womanizer. Get out now, raise your bar, and date single men only.

They’ll cheat until they can’t - they become unattractive, get an illness, lose libido, something like that. Until then he’ll be humping anyone who lets him. Men like these can’t help themselves. It’s the need for attention, the thrill of the chase, the excitement of the sneaking about, the secret texts, the brushing hands across a table. They’re addicted to the rush of endorphins.

I don't know OP, it's not looking good and he obviously has form.

Next time don't go for someone with no moral compass.

I made a very stupid mistake in cheating over ten years ago. It was my fault and I blame nobody but myself.

It is something I will never do again.

Not looking for praise or sympathy, merely to point out that some people (though not all) can learn (painfully) from their mistakes.

I’ve a female friend who was a prolific cheater-one night stands. Her DH is an angel, he worships her (she admits this and plain to see).

Age 43 she stopped, said she had to stop craving male attention.

It ruined our friendship, as I couldn’t look her DH in the eye knowing she was sleeping with anything that moved, that she had ended up pregnant more than once and he thought the pregnancies were his, attended the abortions with her, ended up getting a vasectomy- she kind of had to stop then.

One of DH’s friend’s met the love of his life, no longer cheats.

Do you think history is repeating itself?

Yes.

Is it true that once a cheater, always a cheater

Most of the time. With this fucking guy it's a given. Somebody who cheats because of being genuinely mistreated by a partner, otoh, maybe not.

You are receiving deserved consequences for your own actions. Just learn from it, dump the cheater and never be the OW again.

Yes, it's like being a dry drunk. The desire and the sense of entitlement is still there even if they haven't found an opportunity to cheat.

Some people cheat only due to extreme circumstances like abuse, and they wouldn't do it again with a partner who was good to them. However, they are the minority of cheaters and this guy certainly isn't one of them.

@Wintercollection Is there any reason for not having a relationship with one of the many, many men who are single instead?

It's about your morals/ethics.

He doesn't view cheating as a bad thing therefore if opportunity arose ie issues /boredom in current relationship or he meets someone he feels a spark with then yes the likelihood is he will pursue it.