Partner of 7 years is constantly at the pub.

[SparklyOtter88]

Hi everyone,
first time poster here , and abit of a vulnerable one so please be kind. 🥰
My partner and I have been together 7 years this October and have a 5 yo son together. The first year or so was absolutely wonderful. I didn’t actually like him instantly but he seemed stable
and mature and pretty quickly my love for
him grew. we did lots of fun things together, dates , meals out, trips away…you name it we did it. He made me feel like an absolute queen and I’m sure I did the same
for
him. I thought to myself wow I want to spend my life with this person, fast forward 6 months ,Ive fallen pregnant with our son and we moved in together. Everything was falling into place and I thought we were really happy.
ds was born and he was really attentive and helpful, a great dad and partner. So supportive and kindTo begin with, but these qualities seem to have really dwindled the older our son got. Without going into too much more detail I’ll explain as there is a lot to it. He would finish work at 4pm and stay in the pub till 6/7ish then come home and sit and drink in the garage. I remember when our ds was around 2yo I used to ask
him can you come and say good night and he would just huff and
puff and ignore me. Over the years his relationship with our son has improved and they are close but this pub habit has got better then worse then better than worse again. To the point he is now spending every day there after work. He finishes at 4pm
and will stay till 7 ish maybe a little later unless
i have a driving lesson he will come home abit earlier but will often go out as soon as I’m home. I do all the cooking ( though he never eats with us or in the house for that matter, unless he brings home a takeaway) all the cleaning, all the care for our son too who has just been diagnosed with autism. This is also the case on weekends. We sometimes do family things through the day but afterwards he will drop us home and immediately or soon after leave for the pub. Sometimes doesn’t even take his keys out of the ignition. Then will spend 5 or more hours there.
i have taken our little one camping for four days with another friend and her children and just got home today. we saw him for about an hour, he said he’d missed us etc then Cleared off the the pub to watch footy 2.30-8pm. Comes back tipsy makes a few comments to me about me
being boujie and dismissive (because I wouldn’t kiss him as he reeked of booze) then falls asleep on the sofa!! Little
one has been asking where his daddy is and didnt want to go to bed till he’s home. I just don’t get it. I feel like this must be so confusing for our son. I don’t mind him having a social life at all, i love that he has friends but I am
just wondering what the fascination with the pub is? And don’t even get me started on the money he is spending!! I have tried to talk to him about this so many times, but I’m fed up of repeating myself. Beginning to wonder if I’m the problem.
He says he feels like there is no intimacy between us and nothing here at home for him and I agree there isnt any intimacy atm partly because i have to co sleep with our son a lot due to his autism and various issues that come along with that, and partly because he is rarely here and
not really involved in family life very often .. only for a few hours on weekends and when he comes back he is either tipsy/drunk/asleep. I have tried to get in to bed with him but he stinks
of
booze and snores so badly I can’t bare it. I have tried other various methods to get him to spend some time with me one on one and as a family to no avail. instead I get blamed for us not having the sex and intimacy he wants, when I do feel
like I have tried to carve out that time for us despite it being difficult. I’m asking for some advice and perspective as I really do not want to split this family up but feel very very confused about the situation.
thank you in advance x
for context I am 36 sahm mum 🙂

You’ll get better advice from others but I’ve been in a similar situation. My only regret is that I didn’t/ couldn’t get out earlier than I did. It’s horrible.

Thank you love. It is a horrible and very lonely place to be. Good for you for getting out.. how long did it take you? I can feel myself reaching boiling point.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he's an alcoholic. That's not something that you can fix, he's using you/your relationship as his justification for drinking but if you weren't around he'd blame something else. I'd suggest making steps towards living without him as it will be so damaging for your child to live with a parent that prioritises pubs over family relationships.

He is driving to the pub and drinking for 5 hours?

he sounds gross. He’ll kill someone soon

Well it seemed like it took decades and it was a long time ago. But in fact it was a couple of years. We had a sort of stalemate. But it was the alcohol that killed it. The signs were there from the start but it took a friend, whose husband was alcoholic, to tell me straight up what was blindingly obvious to her.

thank you for your response..Yeah, he is definitely a functioning alcoholic.
speaking as the daughter of an alcoholic mother I know from
experience it doesn’t get better only much worse.
I have been exploring my options
more and more , just plucking up the courage, it feels pretty scary to go it alone !!

Ducks in a row time 🦆

He is. It makes me feel so angry , I’m disgusted with him.

He's an alcoholic.

He won't change because his powerful addiction will always be more important to him than you and even his son.

Having been in this sad and utterly miserable situation myself, your whole story resonates with me, and my advice would be to start making plans to leave him,

It won’t be scary! I guarantee that the relief will be amazing!

Yes, I also had alcoholic parents. By about 8/9 I started to be embarrassed by their behaviour and no, it definitely doesn't get better. Step father died of it at 54 and thankfully my mum was able to rehabilitate herself without his influence but my younger years are littered with incredibly embarrassing incidents.
I'm wishing you so much strength in extracting yourself and child from the situation ❤️

I agree you need to get out sooner rather than later. You've done your best amd he still prefers to be in the pub than at home. Its a waste of time. You deserve better.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me all Of you. And sorry to hear that a few of you have been in the same situation.

it feels refreshing to have a different perspective on it because my friends seem to just be really blazay ( I think that’s how you spell it 😅) about it like
oh that’s just men type of mentality. so that coupled with the denial from OH I actually started to think it was just me being over the top. Which is really sad. I think what I need to do is start slowly getting everything in order where I can so that I can be financially stable alone.

Oh you poor thing. Don't blame yourself, you haven't done anything wrong. I think the best thing to do at this point is to somehow get him to have a quiet discussion with you and tell him that the marriage will not continue in this way because it's not a marriage at all at the moment.

Tell him how you feel and that when you look back to the first couple of years he was great but you don't want to live like this and then this he goes back to how he was you'll have to tell him that this is over and he'll have to move out. It's really really hard I know, because I'm sure that you still love him but don't let your child see than a man can disrespect a woman the way or man does and get away with it. Also sooner or later he will have an accident and possibly kill someone in fact if it was me I think I'd tell the police in order to somehow prevent anything happening in the future.

I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s such a heartbreaking thing to experience especially in the most important years of your life. It leaves a
mark
on you that never quite goes away. Well it has on me anyway. That’s amazing your mum has been able to sort herself out though, you must be so pleased and hopefully your relationship has survived.
thank you 🥰 it’s not going to be easy but hopefully it will be worth it. Life is so short, I just want to be happy 😊

I've been there OP. The thing is when he's in the pub he's with other men who are spending every night in the pub, so they all convince each other that it's normal and you get told you're over reacting because "it's just what most men do to wind down after work".

I was constantly told it was my fault we had no sex life, but he was hardly home and when he was he wasn't sober. In the end he repulsed me. It got to the point he'd hardly eat all day, then he'd come home and raid the cupboards pissed and stuff his face to the point of being sick. And be surprised I didn't want to sleep with him!

Like you, it wasn't always like that. It gradually got worse and worse. Leaving was the best thing I ever did but luckily we had no kids together. He did have kids from a previous relationship. When I met him he was a great dad, but by the time we split he hardly saw them. It's sad really. I haven't seen him for years but last time I did he was leaning against a wall outside a pub hammered at about 5pm.

It really will only get worse unfortunately, I hope you and your son manage to get out of this situation because it's no way to live. Especially with a child.

Alcholics' only relationship is with alcohol.

You and your child are a distraction from it.

He's pissing family money away every day.

You find him distasteful and repellent.

He is scornful towards you and would rather sit drinking in the shed than eat and socialise with his own family.

He has zero interest in his own child.

This will get worse - and he will develop health problems from the alcohol abuse.

Women here have told horrendous accounts of their lives with alcoholic fathers / partners.

I would honestly advise you to take financial and legal advice and start planning a life for you and your son.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/risks/

Wow, it seems
a very similar story, apart from the food stuffing and being sick I could have written a lot of that !

he always uses the excuse that he’s had a stressful day at work and that he needs to go for his mental health. 🙄

Then there’s the times he will say he’s going out to get petrol… a haircut… the shop… then won’t come home for hours.

and he calls himself a family man!!

I know what you mean about feeling repulsed. when I go in the room in the morning to get my clothes out, I nearly gag from the stench of booze. And the yellow sweat patches on the pillows… disgusting.

I often wonder how they can
possibly think that is attractive.

but it’s alright because “ he gets up and goes to work” 🙄😵‍💫

But aren't you already going it alone?

Yes I suppose I am in a way.

Hello,
How are things now?
I google searched for some solidarity in this area, and this thread came up, as I have a similar situation 🫤
Mumsnet always make you feel that bit less alone 🙏

Hello,
Things are going well thank you. We have been split up a year and it was the best decision I ever made! I couldn’t live like that any longer. I had become a shell of myself, and was so mentally exhausted from it all.
I’m so sorry you are struggling with the same situation 😞 it’s absolutely horrible and a lonely place to be. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
i take it you have approached your partner about his behaviour? Xxx

I’m really pleased for you, it must be a relief / burden removed from your life.

We’ve been together a long time, 20 years, and have two youngish kids, so splitting up seems huge and really daunting. Though I’ve thought about it a lot & read others accounts on Mumsnet to strengthen myself.
He is selfish and always prioritises drinking, and nearly always drinks too much. The hangovers make family life difficult too - he gets so angry / grumpy with any suggestions I make to do stuff etc. We’ve slept in separate rooms a long time, as I can’t cope with him also disrupting my sleep.

He lied yesterday evening saying he hadn’t drink at all - when it was clear he’d had a few pints at work. He finally admitted it. But it’s frustrating and upsetting, it’s the same old pattern of me being at home keeping it altogether whilst he does what he wants after work. It’s not every day, more like once a week. But he never asks - he just does it. No matter what’s going on at home. Usually at weekends / events (and after work) he gets hammered.

And for example now he lies in - kids or none, house in a state because my rebellion is to stop doing my invisible work 😔

Glad to hear you left OP did you get back into work etc? I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years and life is so much more peaceful without and alcoholic asshole in it!

He's a disengaged alcoholic with intimacy issues.
could he also be autistic? Sounds like you have very little relationship and would be better off without him.