Partner of 7 years is constantly at the pub.

[SparklyOtter88]

Hi everyone,
first time poster here , and abit of a vulnerable one so please be kind. 🥰
My partner and I have been together 7 years this October and have a 5 yo son together. The first year or so was absolutely wonderful. I didn’t actually like him instantly but he seemed stable
and mature and pretty quickly my love for
him grew. we did lots of fun things together, dates , meals out, trips away…you name it we did it. He made me feel like an absolute queen and I’m sure I did the same
for
him. I thought to myself wow I want to spend my life with this person, fast forward 6 months ,Ive fallen pregnant with our son and we moved in together. Everything was falling into place and I thought we were really happy.
ds was born and he was really attentive and helpful, a great dad and partner. So supportive and kindTo begin with, but these qualities seem to have really dwindled the older our son got. Without going into too much more detail I’ll explain as there is a lot to it. He would finish work at 4pm and stay in the pub till 6/7ish then come home and sit and drink in the garage. I remember when our ds was around 2yo I used to ask
him can you come and say good night and he would just huff and
puff and ignore me. Over the years his relationship with our son has improved and they are close but this pub habit has got better then worse then better than worse again. To the point he is now spending every day there after work. He finishes at 4pm
and will stay till 7 ish maybe a little later unless
i have a driving lesson he will come home abit earlier but will often go out as soon as I’m home. I do all the cooking ( though he never eats with us or in the house for that matter, unless he brings home a takeaway) all the cleaning, all the care for our son too who has just been diagnosed with autism. This is also the case on weekends. We sometimes do family things through the day but afterwards he will drop us home and immediately or soon after leave for the pub. Sometimes doesn’t even take his keys out of the ignition. Then will spend 5 or more hours there.
i have taken our little one camping for four days with another friend and her children and just got home today. we saw him for about an hour, he said he’d missed us etc then Cleared off the the pub to watch footy 2.30-8pm. Comes back tipsy makes a few comments to me about me
being boujie and dismissive (because I wouldn’t kiss him as he reeked of booze) then falls asleep on the sofa!! Little
one has been asking where his daddy is and didnt want to go to bed till he’s home. I just don’t get it. I feel like this must be so confusing for our son. I don’t mind him having a social life at all, i love that he has friends but I am
just wondering what the fascination with the pub is? And don’t even get me started on the money he is spending!! I have tried to talk to him about this so many times, but I’m fed up of repeating myself. Beginning to wonder if I’m the problem.
He says he feels like there is no intimacy between us and nothing here at home for him and I agree there isnt any intimacy atm partly because i have to co sleep with our son a lot due to his autism and various issues that come along with that, and partly because he is rarely here and
not really involved in family life very often .. only for a few hours on weekends and when he comes back he is either tipsy/drunk/asleep. I have tried to get in to bed with him but he stinks
of
booze and snores so badly I can’t bare it. I have tried other various methods to get him to spend some time with me one on one and as a family to no avail. instead I get blamed for us not having the sex and intimacy he wants, when I do feel
like I have tried to carve out that time for us despite it being difficult. I’m asking for some advice and perspective as I really do not want to split this family up but feel very very confused about the situation.
thank you in advance x
for context I am 36 sahm mum 🙂

OP

All credit to you for getting away from your alcoholic. Your child will also thank you for doing so.

Trees, you can ultimately do the same too. You are playing out the usual roles associated with such; namely codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget). Read the 3 act play that is alcoholism; its a hard read but a necessary one.

I would urge you to channel your energies into planning your exit rather than merely stopping your invisible work. He won't care and in any case his primary relationship is with drink; not you nor your kids. It really does the kids no favours at all to grow up seeing a drunkard for a parent with the other constantly fire fighting the next crisis like you are doing. It can also make these now children far more likely to go onto choose alcoholics as partners themselves when adult.

Just seen your update - well done!

I think leaving and "starting again" seems hard because you don't have the mental energy to add "leaving" to your job list.

But, if you were to try and sell a friend your current life they would baulk at it. It's the boiled frog analogy. What you and any children are doing now is so much harder that anything being a single parent could be.

Well done on being so brave! Your little boy will be so proud of you. Lots of luck for your new, peaceful life!

Amazing, well done @SparklyOtter88 !

@TreesAreSacred start your own thread and we can offer you lots of advice specifically to your situation x

Well done for leaving !!!!!

Yes I just want to say weldone too🧡🌷

Hey! Thanks for your response. No im not back in work yet, I have my own health issues to manage (vestibular migraines/+2 autoimmune conditions ) and also my lo wouldn’t cope if I were to put him in wraparound care etc due to his autism. Although id love to be back working I’ve accepted now is not the right time, my health, plus the happiness of my lo is far more important than any job at this point.

good for you! Life is so much easier and softer without all that aggro and stress. Once you make the decision albeit a very fucking hard one, you never look back. Doesn’t matter how lonely it gets nothing is worth sacrificing your peace for xxxx

Hey @TreesAreSacred hugs to you xx
twenty years is a very long time , it’s no wonder the thought of uprooting is scary for you 😔 its a overwhelming to even begin to think about when you’ve been entwined for so many years. I feel your pain. Everything you have just written is exactly what my life was like. It gets to the point where you darent suggest anything and are just miserable.
not just for yourself but for the kids too. How must they feel watching this unravel? It’s incredibly damaging for them and you. Something that helped me is to imagine spending another 10 years like this.. ?I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn’t. You and your beautiful children deserve so much more, you can’t live your life walking on eggshell around someone that will most likely never change or acknowledge they have a problem. It’s no way to live and and life is too dam short to waste it.
how long has he been like this ?
I hope you find the strength to do what you feel is right in your heart ❤️ It’s not easy but it will be so so worth it xxx