Am I wrong or is my husband?

[belle1408]

I would really appreciate peoples opinions on this. It may sound trivial but this is the latest of many, many situations.

Husband of ten years, step dad to my two teenage children. I worked 3, 12.5 hour shifts in a row and Saturday was my first day off.

Me and husband take our puppy to training class on Saturday. He’s off work this day and back to work Sunday (today) works from home. On the way back from puppy class I say that I am picking my daughter up from work then taking my other daughter for a coffee. Then coming home and taking my other daughter shopping. He’s clearly in a mood about this. Ask him why the mood when I get home and he says it should be clear why he’s frustrated and to just leave it. So I walk on eggshells all night and he barely says a word. Asked him again today why the mood and he says he’s not in a mood, he’s frustrated as we didn’t get to spend any time together yesterday as I was out all day, it’s his only day off etc. Back to walking on eggshells. I wanted to spend time with my children, I’d barely seen them for 3 days. I was back by 6.30pm and I had all evening with him. He said it’s good that he’s frustrated by it rather than not being bothered about seeing me. Not sure what I’m asking. Needed to write it down as his behaviour is beginning to drive me crazy.

I can totally see his point of view. If it's his one day off. Are your children available any other day, perhaps Sunday when he's working?

In a vacuum and without the context of his "other behaviour", neither of you are wrong. You just had a difference in priorities and expectations for this one day, which lead to a spat, which can be easily resolved with communication.

However if your relationship has reached the point of point scoring and "who's right and who's wrong" tit for tat over stupid trivial shit like this, there's obviously a lot going on beneath the surface that isn't good.

If this is your one day off together, in a family with such a busy schedule, it would be a good idea to discuss your plans ahead of time.

I think the problem is that I prioritised spending time with my children as it’s the only time I could and I thought I’d split my time fairly with spending a couple of hours with him on the morning plus the evening and the afternoon with the kids.

I cannot be doing with sulking and I don't put up with it. I certainly wouldn't be tip toeing around him asking him what's wrong. Tell him to behave like an adult and communicate if he has a problem.

Obviously you need to better discuss plans to carve out time together.

It’s not necessarily who is wrong or right although I appreciate that is how I’ve written it. It’s more ‘have I done something wrong here and should I be made to feel bad’?

Yeah I get that. And I have thought how I would feel if the situation were reversed. As I said earlier, I thought I had split my time fairly but maybe not.

This.

Imagine the scenario.......

Man only had Saturday off & he prioritises his time with his children from his first marriage.

There would be multiple LTB.

Neither of you re right or wrong, just different priorities. Did you not discuss your weekend plans prior to Saturday ? I've just been discussing my movements & those of my kids next week so I can plan dinners throughout the week.

Communication is key OP.

Yeah I'd be frustrated if I was him. Maybe it's because you just told him your plans, none of them involved him and he's feeling hurt.

I agree with your husband.

You could've seen your daughters Sunday when he was working.

No, DH is being a huge baby. Sulking and huffing firstly instead of communicating, then for actually being upset by this when the OP spent the morning with him and then had 6:30 onwards free.
It’s not like she wasn’t going to see him at all.

i assume you are off sunday while he is working? why did you decide to spend your only day off together, with your children?

was he invited to join you? did you discuss these plans with him prior to doing them?

i can see why he's pissed off to be honest! how would you feel if he decided to see his kids and leave you out on your only day off?

3children can only see you on a Sat?

The sulking is ridiculous but I think I would be hurt in his position. I wouldn’t begrudge you seeing your kids as such its the way you did it. Could you have not told him and included him.. e.g. “After puppy class I was thinking we could take Sally for a coffee?” .The way you’ve worded it here suggests you have just decided whats happening and expected him to put up with it.

When do you spend quality time with him? apart from the two hours of puppy training, which doesnt sound like quality time. I can see his point

I think he might but right but his manner of addressing it is very wrong.

I can see both sides really. However I did read one of your comments said you prioritised between them & spent morning with him… In my eyes taking your puppy to puppy class isn’t spending time with him or at least it wouldn’t feel that way to me. That’s like saying we went food shopping together.

In future I’d make your plans clear as it does sound like a miscommunication, he could have voiced his issue at the time & things could have been discussed.

I disagree with most of these posts and think that you were incredibly fair and tried to spend quality time with your DH and DC, all of whom are important to you. DH needs don’t trump DCs needs and you made sure you had time for him in the morning and evening which was fair enough. It would be different if he had mentioned earlier in the week that he would like to spend the day with you Saturday and you made plans but it doesn’t sound like that was the case so I don’t think you were unreasonable at all.

They could have had a lovely evening together cooking dinner, going for a meal/ the cinema etc if he hadn’t ruined it by huffing all day. She literally says in the post she was free to spend the evening with him by 6:30!

Yes , I would be annoyed if I were your husband. It looks like you made your plans and then just informed him. You could have spent Saturday with him and Sunday with your children.
However, you have been together for long time. I am surprised this is the first time that happens? What do you normally do?

Well personally I can see why you don't want to spend time with him, he sounds moody and childish.

Why was it the only time you could spend with them? You work 3 days. You have 4 days you could see them. DH only had the Saturday off. Why couldn't you spend Sunday with the girls?