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Original poster

Am I wrong or is my husband?

36 replies

belle1408 · 01/09/2024 19:23

I would really appreciate peoples opinions on this. It may sound trivial but this is the latest of many, many situations.

Husband of ten years, step dad to my two teenage children. I worked 3, 12.5 hour shifts in a row and Saturday was my first day off.

Me and husband take our puppy to training class on Saturday. He’s off work this day and back to work Sunday (today) works from home. On the way back from puppy class I say that I am picking my daughter up from work then taking my other daughter for a coffee. Then coming home and taking my other daughter shopping. He’s clearly in a mood about this. Ask him why the mood when I get home and he says it should be clear why he’s frustrated and to just leave it. So I walk on eggshells all night and he barely says a word. Asked him again today why the mood and he says he’s not in a mood, he’s frustrated as we didn’t get to spend any time together yesterday as I was out all day, it’s his only day off etc. Back to walking on eggshells. I wanted to spend time with my children, I’d barely seen them for 3 days. I was back by 6.30pm and I had all evening with him. He said it’s good that he’s frustrated by it rather than not being bothered about seeing me. Not sure what I’m asking. Needed to write it down as his behaviour is beginning to drive me crazy.

OP posts:
Lurker85 · 06/09/2024 09:33

I am in shock at how many responses are essentially “you should have fucked your kids off for your sulking man child husband” They might be teenagers but they are still kids!

Girlmom35 · 06/09/2024 09:48

I strongly disagree with the statement that if the OP had been a man who had prioritized his children, he would have been scolded for it. I absolutely would have agreed that children, especially teenagers, deserve to have some quality time with their mother.

Where it went wrong, is not that you took time with your daughter. It's the fact that there was zero communication about this beforehand, just the day itself, and also that you made a statement rather than engaging in a dialogue.

How this should have gone was that earlier that week, before making plans with your children, you said to your husband:
Hey, it's going to be a busy weekend for us all. I'd like to see how we can combine having some time for the two of us, and also I'd like to spend some time with the girls. Do you have anything in mind for this weekend, then I'll see if I can work around that?

My mum and stepfather have been together for 20 years. What I've always admired about their relationship is that any time I ask my mum to do anything with me, her reply is always the same: I'll talk to X about it and let you know. Not that she has to ask permission. But they, as a unit and a couple, make decisions together on how they spend their time. As it should be. Children should absolutely receive their share. But it's up to the couple to decide when and where that share is divided.

Mooneywoo · 06/09/2024 10:00

@Girlmom35 Where it went wrong, is not that you took time with your daughter. It's the fact that there was zero communication about this beforehand, just the day itself, and also that you made a statement rather than engaging in a dialogue.

Why does she have to run plans to spend time with her children past her husband?
Why does she have to check with him that he didn’t want to do something before she commits to a plan?
He’s a big boy, if he wanted to make plans with OP then he should have. It’s not only down to her to make arrangements for everyone.

Do you have anything in mind for this weekend, then I'll see if I can work around that?
So it’s okay for her to work around him, but not for him to work around her?
She spent a few hours with her children and was free to see her DH before and after, what was wrong with him working around her and making plans from 6:30 onwards?

beanii · 06/09/2024 11:11

Lurker85 · 06/09/2024 09:33

I am in shock at how many responses are essentially “you should have fucked your kids off for your sulking man child husband” They might be teenagers but they are still kids!

People aren't saying f*ck the children off, they're saying if the husband ONLY has the Saturday off then spend it with him and then Sunday spend with the children when he's working.

beanii · 06/09/2024 11:14

Mooneywoo · 06/09/2024 10:00

@Girlmom35 Where it went wrong, is not that you took time with your daughter. It's the fact that there was zero communication about this beforehand, just the day itself, and also that you made a statement rather than engaging in a dialogue.

Why does she have to run plans to spend time with her children past her husband?
Why does she have to check with him that he didn’t want to do something before she commits to a plan?
He’s a big boy, if he wanted to make plans with OP then he should have. It’s not only down to her to make arrangements for everyone.

Do you have anything in mind for this weekend, then I'll see if I can work around that?
So it’s okay for her to work around him, but not for him to work around her?
She spent a few hours with her children and was free to see her DH before and after, what was wrong with him working around her and making plans from 6:30 onwards?

Edited

It's clearly not about asking permission - it's ALL working together so everyone is happy 🤦🏻‍♀️

Girlmom35 · 06/09/2024 11:16

@Mooneywoo
Why does she have to run plans to spend time with her children past her husband?
Because I believe every partnership should have that as a pillar. I run every single plan I have past my husband, and he does the same with me. Not to ask permission, but just to check in with each other and each other's expectations. Because as partners, you're sharing your lives and you're a unit.
I've never felt limited by my husband whatsoever, whatever I've wanted to plan. But I'd never just make plans without at least running them by him.

Why does she have to check with him that he didn’t want to do something before she commits to a plan?
Again, because that's what partnership is about. This is what distinguishes good couples from people who end up living in the same space without any true connection. Because whatever I have planned, I genuinely care how this impacts my husband. Obviously, this only works if it's a two-way-street.

what was wrong with him working around her and making plans from 6:30 onwards?
There is nothing wrong with that in itself. What's wrong was that there was no dialogue. She gave him a statement. There was no question of: I have this in mind, does that work for you? She stated that she'd be going things this way. Of course he could have handled it better. He handled his emotions like a toddler. Rather than speaking calmly about it at that time, he sulked and resented her. But they were both wrong here.

Bo1978 · 06/09/2024 20:08

belle1408 · 01/09/2024 19:37

I think the problem is that I prioritised spending time with my children as it’s the only time I could and I thought I’d split my time fairly with spending a couple of hours with him on the morning plus the evening and the afternoon with the kids.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Hopefully, you’ll have a lifetime together, your children will move out eventually. You also spent most the evening with him! You’ve got the balance right I would say.

QuizNight · 07/09/2024 13:47

belle1408 · 01/09/2024 19:37

I think the problem is that I prioritised spending time with my children as it’s the only time I could and I thought I’d split my time fairly with spending a couple of hours with him on the morning plus the evening and the afternoon with the kids.

I think it’s that you hadn’t told him about those plans before puppy class. If he was expecting to spend the day together and found out last minute that you’d be out instead then I can see why he’d be a bit sulky.

DaisyChain505 · 07/09/2024 13:57

Lack of communication on both sides. Where are the conversations about weekend plans and what you should do etc?

personally if he was working Sunday I would have arranged to see your children then and you and your partner spend Saturday together.

Ladyluckinred · 07/09/2024 14:07

Mooneywoo · 05/09/2024 20:18

They could have had a lovely evening together cooking dinner, going for a meal/ the cinema etc if he hadn’t ruined it by huffing all day. She literally says in the post she was free to spend the evening with him by 6:30!

Show quote history

My thoughts exactly! He is frustrated not being able to spend time with you, during the time he could have spent with you. Maybe he should have asked for what he needed instead of getting the hump. Now you know, I’m sure you’ll set aside some time for you both but it’s unfair ignoring you for the evening considering you’re already stretching yourself.

LikeWeUsedToBe · 07/09/2024 15:24

He's not unreasonable for wanting more time with you. How he handles it causing you to walk on eggshells is unreasonable. He should have had a mature conversation not sulking. I can see how stuck in the middle you must feel op x

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