I don’t want to watch mindless films/TV shows and it’s causing absolute agg in my household.

[regementaria]

DH is starting to get slightly irked with me that we don’t want to watch the same shows together on an evening. He’s a lovely man, very big on quality time. We have our own hobbies and friends and aren’t glued to each other, but when we are in- he wants us to both be doing something together.

I generally agree. Would love to play a board game, or a video game together, or sometimes go up to bed with books and hot drinks- but he likes to switch off by watching utter, utter bilge. He doesn’t care what he watches. He will watch whatever shite Netflix is pushing that week and ask if I want to ‘give
it a go’, to which my answer is usually no.

I can’t just watch anything. I have a few things that I really enjoy and will happily pop on as a comfort watch on a Sunday when there are many hours in the day, but weeknight free time
is valuable. If there is a series with utterly fab reviews and something that I am interested in- I’ll happily watch it. But I have to research, have an initial interest and see it as a worthy time commitment. Same with films. I don’t really have the attention span if there isn’t a hook that gets me invested. I watched Hillbilly Elegy the other day because I was curious after realising it was penned by JD Vance, and enjoyed it- great.

It’s causing him to get frustrated where he says that I’m too fussy, I take ages to choose things and it’s not that deep. The truth is I don’t really care about watching ‘anything’ and I’d rather play the Sims on my laptop next to him, or scroll on my phone (I don’t use it in the day so I like to catch up with message boards). He lets me choose what goes on every time but generally there is just nothing that I want to spend my time watching as I’d rather do other things.

He accepts this and sticks something on but I’m left just feeling really difficult and a bit of an annoyance. He’s a lovely husband, very tired and going through a tough period at work and just wants to chill out in the way that he likes. I am seriously seriously lucky, and I wish I could just cuddle up and watch something….but I can’t 😭 It just feels such a waste of time.

It sounds like such a minor issue but every night at 8pm it’s just the same bloody thing. He’s started to make jokes at breakfast time ‘oh, better think about what you want to watch! It’ll take you time to choose!’

any practical solutions?? Is there a website where I can get good film recommendations?? Should I just make a list and compromise 2 nights a week?

It’s just all come to a head as we enter a phase of our lives with young kids, exhaustion and busy work commitments that we are spending 4 weeknights out of 5 on the sofa.

Surely you let him put something on and you play/phone?

So much angst over a non issue.

Did you read it my post? Judging by your lightning response- doubt it.

this is literally what happens? I played The Sims 4 the other night whilst he watched some sexy Russian lady with a gun zero plot action film.

He just wants us to spend our evenings together, discuss the film and have a shared experience. I agree with the sentiment. I don’t think it’s a massively healthy thing to have a couple who spend their only waking hours once scrolling and one watching Netflix. I don’t think that’s great for a marriage either.

Unfortunately don’t have the energy for elaborate cooking sessions and can’t go out easily without a lot of organisation.

i’d just rather play a game together or something and I’m struggling to compromise.

He needs to compromise. I did read it.

Or one night scrolling and he watches, the other night you play together.

I don't think it's that unhealthy to both do what you want in the evening tbh.

I think it’s a bit unfair to call his shows bilge while all you do is scroll on your phone.
Having said that there is bugger all on might improve as the nights draw in.

Presumably he doesn't want to play crappy games? So you both like different crap. It's a non issue really.

Me watching shit TV while my husband scrolls on his phone is literally the foundation of my 23 year marriage 😂

I exaggerate but our weekday evenings often look like that and it doesn't bother either of us. We do have other things we do too but I'm often knackered after work and usual evening stuff of cooking and some exercise.

So I wouldn't stress too much about it actually. Make it a thing to spend time together once or twice a week - find some common ground. You might be more likely to find something you want to watch if you do it less frequently.

I understand, OP. My ex used to watch anything and everything on the tv every single night of the week. I hated the drivel and I used to listen to music with headphones or have an early night. But his behaviour was part of a set of behaviours that led to him becoming an ex. So in all other ways he's fine? If this is the case then I suppose you'll have to compromise.

I have to say, once I lived alone days used to pass when I didn't have the tv on at all and it was bliss.

Your over thinking this. Spending your eve at opposite ends of the sofa one watching shite on netflix and the other scrolling thru a phone after a long day working and looking after kids doesn't mean your marriage is going to implode. Compromise if you have to. 2 nights a week he agrees to play a board game or something with you and 2 nights you agree to watch something with him. There's bigger things to stress about

Now I love The Sims as much as the next fan and can happily spend a whole evening playing. And DH also has a craft type hobby he’ll do in the evenings. So often we’re in separate rooms doing our own thing - I don’t see anything wrong with that. Other nights we’ll have a series we both want to watch and power through.

You’ll probably get a lot of comments telling you to stop gaming and all that. For me, it’s him wanting you to be near him every evening. Not every couple needs to do that every evening. Sometimes you can do your own hobbies, sometimes you can sit and watch things together. I’d agree some series you both want to watch and then you can either spend the evening together or doing your separate things depending on how the mood takes you.

Earphones in, radio on phone. Just say you're with him, just doing your own thing.

Alternatively you pick something to watch that you would enjoy and he can watch with you.

4 nights at home:
1 night you choose something you both do.
1 night he chooses something you both do.
1 night you each do your own thing (eg he watches bilge and you scroll)
1 night pot luck (equal number of your choice/his choice ideas in a jar and you pick one).

Have a ready list of stuff you'd be happy to watch and stick it on a favourites list so it's easy to decide.

I wonder if it's a men thing as my DH and BIL are exactly the same.

They both just scroll through streaming services of an evening, if they're in, until they find something that'll do.

The difference is that my sister sort of defers to BIL and will always watch it with him. My DH tends to favour dystopian sci-fi, of which there seems to be a huge amount as men devour this stuff, and I hate it.

Watching some random TV show together can hardly be counted as quality time. He needs to understand that if he insists on quality time as a couple then the TV goes off and you genuinely do something together.

This is what I think and it’s adding to my frustration. Watching something that is 40% on rotten tomatoes is a waste of time and hardly connecting. We have so many great board games we haven’t dug into yet because he is tired.

He’s in a really difficult time right now, professionally- so I get it.

its a big time waste imo and I just do my own time wasting in response.

i think I’m just going to have to spend some time building a list of actual content that I am interested in so I can ‘join in’ 2 nights a week

He wants a snuggle with his wife on the sofa tbh without a switch or a phone glaring away. I do understand.

If he's happy to watch stuff that you like, but you're not happy with his less discriminating tastes, then yes it makes sense for you to put a bit of effort in and pick something that you can both engage with together. There's so much good films/TV drama/documentaries out there, and so many websites that will help you find things that you like. I'm sure MN will help if you start a new thread saying what you're looking for.

[ETA: cross-posted with you saying that that was exactly what you were planning to do]

DH and I have a more serious issue in that he doesn't like watching TV drama or movies at all, and I really do. Which is why we have two large TVs in two different rooms.

Me watching shit TV while my husband scrolls on his phone is literally the foundation of my 23 year marriage 😂

This is totally normal, and your husband needs to embrace it, OP. You are spending time with him, you are (hopefully?) not making negative comments about his choice of TV, and you are occupying yourself right next to him while he watches what he wants to watch. Nothing wrong with any of that.

The trouble with board games and card games, which I love btw, is that you have to think. Watching crap telly you don’t.

Me watching shit TV while my husband scrolls on his phone is literally the foundation of my 23 year marriage 😂

Same here, except husband watches tv and I read. We do watch some things together when there's a good comedy or box set but 95% of the time he's watching movies or series that just aren't for me. I'm a bookworm and would rather read. We still sit together in the same room, we chat occasionally throughout the evening. It's never been a problem and works just fine for us!

I think the key will be finding something you both like. Is it impossible to find this? Once you’ve watched a series together, you might find more you like. The Telly Addicts board is good for recommendations.
As a PP lightheartedly said, this really is the foundation of my 25 year old marriage! And an important way of bonding with our teenage children too. Routine is either watch an episode with all of us, then DS disappears and we watch something ‘older’ with DD, or they both disappear and DH and I watch our current thing together.
It’s the dog’s favourite part of the day anyway!
Routine is good for people - it doesn’t have to feel the same as being stuck in a rut.
By the way, we never watch anything we consider ‘bilge’. If we don’t really like it, we don’t watch it. We don’t have tv on as background. It’s an active choice to sit and watch (and no talking unless you pause the show, as DD and DH can’t cope with it!).

All sounds really claustrophobic to me.

Do you have to spend this 'quality time' together every single evening?!

Watching tv is waste of time so you’d rather….. play Sims?
😂

If he's said you can choose how about you pick out some educational documentaries and high quality foreign art films and he will either improve his mind or stop insisting you watch together.

He sounds a bit needy to be honest.

Sympathy OP. My DH does this. The TV is on all the time as "background noise" even if no one is in the room. I switch it off, curl up on the sofa with my Kindle and then he's there turning it back on again and asking me why I'm not watching whatever bilge is on at the time I've told him straight that I'm not interested in the program and would prefer to read my book. He accepts that but still asks! I generally read in our bedroom room if I'm getting distracted by TV noise, which isn't particularly sociable.

He just wants to be with you chilling out for a few evenings a week, it's a nice problem to have.

Do you have just Netflix or other subscriptions? I normally have Netflix for a while, then cancel it and get Apple or Now Tv, and have them on a cycle.

I have Apple at the moment, there's a few good series on there to watch together. What kind of things do you like to watch?