I don’t want to watch mindless films/TV shows and it’s causing absolute agg in my household.

[regementaria]

DH is starting to get slightly irked with me that we don’t want to watch the same shows together on an evening. He’s a lovely man, very big on quality time. We have our own hobbies and friends and aren’t glued to each other, but when we are in- he wants us to both be doing something together.

I generally agree. Would love to play a board game, or a video game together, or sometimes go up to bed with books and hot drinks- but he likes to switch off by watching utter, utter bilge. He doesn’t care what he watches. He will watch whatever shite Netflix is pushing that week and ask if I want to ‘give
it a go’, to which my answer is usually no.

I can’t just watch anything. I have a few things that I really enjoy and will happily pop on as a comfort watch on a Sunday when there are many hours in the day, but weeknight free time
is valuable. If there is a series with utterly fab reviews and something that I am interested in- I’ll happily watch it. But I have to research, have an initial interest and see it as a worthy time commitment. Same with films. I don’t really have the attention span if there isn’t a hook that gets me invested. I watched Hillbilly Elegy the other day because I was curious after realising it was penned by JD Vance, and enjoyed it- great.

It’s causing him to get frustrated where he says that I’m too fussy, I take ages to choose things and it’s not that deep. The truth is I don’t really care about watching ‘anything’ and I’d rather play the Sims on my laptop next to him, or scroll on my phone (I don’t use it in the day so I like to catch up with message boards). He lets me choose what goes on every time but generally there is just nothing that I want to spend my time watching as I’d rather do other things.

He accepts this and sticks something on but I’m left just feeling really difficult and a bit of an annoyance. He’s a lovely husband, very tired and going through a tough period at work and just wants to chill out in the way that he likes. I am seriously seriously lucky, and I wish I could just cuddle up and watch something….but I can’t 😭 It just feels such a waste of time.

It sounds like such a minor issue but every night at 8pm it’s just the same bloody thing. He’s started to make jokes at breakfast time ‘oh, better think about what you want to watch! It’ll take you time to choose!’

any practical solutions?? Is there a website where I can get good film recommendations?? Should I just make a list and compromise 2 nights a week?

It’s just all come to a head as we enter a phase of our lives with young kids, exhaustion and busy work commitments that we are spending 4 weeknights out of 5 on the sofa.

Get another tv or tell him you don’t require to spend time watching him watching his stuff.

I use the TV time app. I have everything that I would like to watch, going back to the 1980s saved on their. We then have an hour each to choose what we want to watch. At the moment mine is Slow Horses and a Gentleman in Moscow. He prefers YouTube videos of metal work or woodwork. We take it in turns. Yesterday we watched two movies, Time bandits for me and Bad Boys 1 for him. Today it's Bad Boys 2 and Saltburn for me. Can't you just take it in turns?

There was a great list in the Guardian yesterday is Autumn series and movies. I have it saved to refer to later.

Meh. I mean, if it matters that much to you then put the time in to find something you like, or tell him you are happy to do different things (which is totally fine imo).
The only thing my bf and me both watch together is Location x3 as we have wildly different tastes. Usually he watches something and I wander in an out, read, chat on the phone in another room/ browse internet. It’s fine. I couldn’t be doing with forced togetherness and tv watching is something I’d normally want to do alone anyway.

OP, you have a lovely husband and this issue is just causing unnecessary angst. I have been married for near on 30 years and I found this at the beginning my husband watched stuff that was just utter drivel. So I took the opportunity and basically planned what we would watch. He also just wants for us to cosy up together and if he wanted that I accepted it. Now whenever we watch something I have the remote because he enjoys watching the stuff I like and because he knows I will pick the things he also likes. He thought period drama was not for him but he watched one episode and found that he enjoyed it. He has gone from just watching football to watching current affairs to true crime etc. If he wants to watch his programmes he will watch on his phone and I don’t have an issue with that but it is very much about compromise. He had never been to the theatre before & now loves it. He will take the kids and arrange to see shows even if he is not keen but because we want to watch it. Life is too short & if he is going through issues at work and he wants to just switch off join him. If he is happy at home and has your support he can deal with what’s going on at his workplace. We spend more time at work than with our loved ones, pls remember that. I’m sure once things settle at work you can sit down and make a compromise about when you watch tv and do other things emphasising that you feel your downtime is better spent doing other things. You guys will grow together in time and will fall into a schedule which brings you both enjoyment. I hope that helps.

Surely compromise is you spend 2 evenings a week watching something you find interesting (or at least interesting enough to watch without playing on your phone) together.
2 evenings doing a board game or something you consider 'valubable.'
the rest of the time he watches tv and you do what you want next to him. Can still chat and chill out even though you aren't doing the exact same thing.

You sound like you're being quite precious only willing to watch something you consider valuable, with only a tiny amount of things meeting that criteria. I don't watch much tv but there are loads of things I wouldn't mind watching if I had the time. Just spend an hour looking through netflix, asking friends with similar tastes to you for recommendations, or reading some lists of the best tv series/films/documentaries of the last decade and choose a few of them, rather than spending ages every day trying to decide what is good enough for you.

Even if it isn't something that perfectly meets your exact criteria, it's not a huge ask, is it, 2-4 hours a week of doing something to support your husband. He's letting you pick the show, so if you don't want to watch mindless bilge pick something else! There is a huge amount of content out there, it can't all be shit. Even if it's not exactly your taste, perhaps that's a good thing, you can widen your horizons.

2-4hrs a week watching tv is hardly an unfair waste of your valuable time, particularly if the alternative is playing on your phone/laptop! I'd understand more if you didn't want to watch tv because it was the only time you had to exercise, for example, but it sounds like you're happy to have the shared downtime together but only if it's something you like doing. So surely the compromise is to do half and half. Or three thirds, with the last third both doing the things you like while sitting together.

Back in the day I used to read and occasionally look up at the TV

There was no expectation that I (or he) HAD to watch anything or dissect it afterwards

Being made to watch something I had no interest in would send me straight up to bed with my book

*waste of time because I don’t enjoy it

He lets me choose whatever I want to watch.

There isn’t really a need to take it in turns or a clashing of interests. There is just isn’t anything I am interested in watching and it’s not really something I think about often.

he’s happy for me to choose whatever I want just to have some
downtime together.

A few weeks ago, we watched that Jake gyllenhaal Apple TV series (proven innocent?) because I saw an ad and we had a few nice evenings watching that.

there have also been series that I have really enjoyed like Sopranos, Succession, Narcos. I love the South Park specials
too. But I watched them and enjoyed them. I don’t need to watch them again and the next thing I enjoy will just pop up randomly through curiosity or recommendation.

i like race across the world and the sleb series is on right now so that’s at least saving any back and forth on a Wednesday night.

i just don’t really have much of an interest in film/tv to just watch stuff for the hell of it, really. But it’s how he switches off. He could click on any naff sitcom and have a great time watching it

i agree with previous posters that i just need to make a bit more effort, find some series that i want to watch so i can answer instead of (what is painful to him) Netflix scrolling forever until I find something that I don’t hate

you think a married couple with young children spending 8pm til bedtime together after the kids are down, 4 nights a week is claustrophobic?

are you in a relationship with someone you dislike or just wanted to post something edgy? Can’t tell

Have you actually said the words "I don't want to watch TV" and what is his response?
You say he is letting you choose what to watch but what is his response is your choice is "nothing...."?

I understand his POV, I tend to watch rubbish on tv when I've had a long day. I can switch off my mind and no concentration needed.
It's healthier to have your own interests and TV shows etc than to watch everything together IMO. Compromise is key too, so both pick something you want to watch then alternate so you have something you can watch together a couple nights a week.

I think the quality time thing should happen but by doing something when you're both not exhausted or stressed from a long day. Just by sitting together even doing different things is spending time together or even just some chat in bed before sleep.

You just have different ways to switch off!! What's wrong with that?

Why is 'your way' (playing video games!!) any better than his?

I must be missing something here OP, because I actually don't understand the issue. You're happy playing your games, he's happy watching TV. You're in the same room (I assume) so can still chat...why is it essential that you are both doing the same thing??

This is such a non issue!

@regementaria happily married for a decade with children.

I'm not trying to be edgy. And I like my husband a lot. Thankful I don't have this needy whining every evening!

You mentioned he's tired and stressed.. how about a game that doesn't involve much thinking? I often like to play games where I don't have to think too much, you know something you can play mindlessly? He might enjoy doing that some evenings and that way you can both be happy.

You really don’t have to “research” anything. Take 10 minutes to glance at a few reviews of films that might interest you. I do sympathise with you, because I find that the sheer volume of available films/shows these days can make it harder to sift through them and find something you might like. But I also sympathise with your DH. There is nothing more irritating than watching someone else scrolling through the offerings on Netflix or whatever, especially if it seems to take forever.

It is if you can't just sit with him doing what you want to do that doesn't disturb him doing what he wants to do

Because that is what her husband is asking her to do!

I don’t blame you at all. There are shows my OH won’t want to watch, and shows he watches that quite frankly need banning i say no to and he watches them if I’m out/away for example

hare love island, big brother, strictly, etc etc etc, all utter shite and mindless

He likes watching tv, you not so much. I don't really understand why he then gets to say that you have to watch tv. The fact he lets you choose what to watch doesn't make it any better if you don't want to watch anything. He's still happy as he'll watch anything, but you're still unhappy. Would he be ok with playing a game as long as he gets to choose it? Doesn't sound like it.

If there are 4 nights to fill, then at the most, if he insists you do the same thing, it should be two nights tv and 2 nights doing something that is your choice.

If you really aren't a tv lover and he really doesn't love your choice either, it makes much more sense to just do your own thing. You can still cuddle and be close even if he's watching tv and you're on your phone. I think he needs to change his thinking on this. He sounds ridiculous and this really shouldn't be an issue.

You need something to do while sitting in front of the TV. Could be knitting, sewing, something that you can do usefully so that it doesn't feel like wasted time.
Or choose something educational or useful...cooking programmes, news, history whatever. But agree to limit it - you'll watch an hour of TV with him, and after that ( or before that) you'll pursue your own hobbies.
If you want something recommendations, series that I found quite compelling were Borgen, Occupied, and Slow Horses. All good enough to make you feel you're not wasting your time.

haha! Me too, but it's usually him watching some tedious (in my view) documentary on border forces or whatever whilst I read my kindle on my phone. We do make time together a few times a week to watch something we both like but mostly, we just have different viewing interests and its honestly no big deal.

We talk a lot, eat together, go for walks with the dog together, do activities together etc so it's not really anything that concerns me that in the evenings we like to do different things to just chill. I wouldnt force him to watch stuff I like and vice versa and really, you wouldnt be talking all the way through a film anyway, so does it really matter that he's watching and you're on your phone?

I'm sorry but I agree with @BatFacedGirlll, this is too much, there's nothing wrong with you playing a game and him watching something next to each other on the sofa.

I'd say it's controlling him getting annoyed by this, it's ridiculous and I wouldnput up with being told what to do when I don't enjoy it, your time is yours op.

You both sound like hard work tbh. I'm exhausted just reading all this angst from both of you.

And I loathe the term “quality time”. What is quality about watching tv together?

'He wants a snuggle with his wife on the sofa tbh without a switch or a phone glaring away. I do understand'

But he thinks it's fine for him to watch a load of trash on the telly...