My narc ex is trying to make me jealous

[EvieAdams1]

I divorced my child’s dad four years ago after being married for 15 years. He's an insidious covert narcissist who presents himself as the nice guy. He was very envious of my success, which I achieved through hard work, but would secretly try to sabotage me while putting on a fake smile of being happy for me. He now has a new girlfriend, but he’s been using covert tactics to get my attention and try to make me jealous. I ignore it all, of course, as I have zero interest in his life.
I’ve blocked him on all forms of communication, but I didn’t realize I still had him on Instagram until recently when I started being more active on it. He had been watching all my stories until he must have realized that I could see him doing so. He also changes his WhatsApp profile picture to one of him and his girlfriend, then messages me something unnecessary about our child—clearly just so I’ll see it. She doesn’t realize he’s using her for this.
I keep communication with him to a minimum due to previous stalking incidents. I really don’t want to meet his new girlfriend, and I’m sure he’ll use this as a way to try to get to me. I’m sure she’s really nice, as that’s the type of person he targets, and my kid has said she is, but he’s likely told her that I’m the crazy one like he did me about his previous ex. She won’t know that my minimal contact is due to his stalking and coercive control, and that he was still stalking my social media account recently.
Can I get away with just not meeting her? How would you handle this? I was hoping that when he found someone new, I’d be left alone, but now he wants my attention more than ever. It’s so covert that, from the outside looking in, you wouldn’t notice what he’s doing.
I can't wait until I child becomes an adult so I have deal with this nonsense less.

Agree

Thank you so much for the message. That is really helpful to hear that communication drops off. Once our child gets their own phone I will be shutting down whatsapp and only using normal messager and email.

It is frustrating when friends and family don't understand about narc abuse as it's so covert subtle and difficult to pinpoint and I don't even believe some of the nonsense when I look back on it.

Some of the comments here have been exceptionally ignorant and childish which is shocking from a forum where I would have thought women would be supporting other women, especially mums. Trollers need to troll I guess. lol Let's hope they never experience this sort of abuse.

I have to say in my experience for every ‘covert narcissist’ there is a drama llama who spends a lot of time overanalysing the behaviour of others (while refusing to block them)

You're not helping. You have no idea about abuse tactics that leave you broken and a shell of your former self. I really hope you never have to experience this kind of behaviour.

Thanks for the advice. :) I have now become a narcissist ninja since my divorce so I grey rock keep minimal communication that is only kept about the kids only very short. My messages are archived. Once my kid gets their own phone I will be removing him from whatapp and will be kept to normal messager and email

The supportive women on this thread have been really helpful so I will just keep it airy fairy should I cross paths with the girlfriend. If it were anyone else I would happily meet her go for coffee and blend families but because I am dealing with a narc he will use this to triangulate and cause drama. It's just annoying that he keeps buzzing in my life like a fly. Generally, I'm fine but once a year I need a bit of a rant. LOL

You can't both block and coparent. You need to maintain some kind of communication. Anyway, these men always find something else. They don't just give up. It's exhausting.

Unless you have direct experience of being in a relationship like this, I don't think you're qualified to comment. Thinking blocking is the answer is on a par with telling women to wear longer skirts.

@Blueybanditbingochilli What a helpful comment 🙄

Honey, this post is for adults and you are clearly here to add nothing but your misery and trolling which is pathetic as an adult.

Is truly embarrassing to watch you navigate this tread as a woman and a supposed mother and I hope this element of you is not passed down in your parenting because god help them.

Stay bless kiss

True narcissism is very rare and goes beyond being a bit attention seeking on social media. In most of these situations there’s an element of push/pull from both parties. We’re only hearing OP’s side, naturally.

What has he actually done OP? Looked at your Instagram account and changed his WhatsApp profile?

Is there anything else?

If there isn't it doesn't sound like a big deal - just block him on Instagram. Everyone looks at their exes on social media sometimes. Nothing that unusual.

Do you think he wants you to meet his partner? If he asks just decline - you don't have to

THANKS! Got the advice I needed so will be leaving this post now. To the supportive wonderful women and mothers on this thread, you have been absolute rock stars. It is clear that you have also been through narc abuse and I want to wish you a happy healing journey as you deserve the world and your empathy and strength have shone through and been so helpful. XXXX

To the other woman who have used this thread to spread their misery and toxicity. You can always spot the worst people in society who have nothing to offer by how they treat others, especially other women. I feel so sorry for you but mostly your kids. Pick me vibes be pick me-ing. kiss

😂

THANKS! Got the advice I needed so will be leaving this post now. To the supportive wonderful women and mothers on this thread, you have been absolute rock stars. It is clear that you have also been through narc abuse and I want to wish you a happy healing journey as you deserve the world and your empathy and strength have shone through and been so helpful. XXXX

To the other woman who have used this thread to spread their misery and toxicity. You can always spot the worst people in society who have nothing to offer by how they treat others, especially other women. I feel so sorry for you but mostly your kids. Pick me vibes be pick me-ing. kiss

I would use a court approved parenting app and block him on everything else, the ultimate grey rock solution!

He's absolutely pathetic and attention seeking and parasitic. My ex is like this - pretends he wants no drama and creates it left right and centre. How cruel but I'm so glad it sounds like
Your head is screwed on and you're not taking it personally. You're only a human being though so it will hit a sore spot sometimes too.

I remember when my ex sent me a letter telling me he now lives with his girlfriend that he apparently met when our baby was a newborn (he left me at 35weeks) he boasted about how great her job is and how much she is looking forward to working with me to raise our child.. he'd known her less than a year... and how she believed it's really important she meets me so we can work together. I have politely thanked her for the offer and said I'll be in touch to meet her at some point but I am in no rush. Like you, I'm sure she's lovely and empathetic as that's who he targets.

My friends are encouraging me to meet her so that she can see that I'm actually nice and normal and have some doubts about him, but I'm not going to try to break them up as that wouldn't be good for either of the children (yes she has a little child too that she's moved her new boyfriend in with!)

I have asked me ex to only email me unless it's about urgent handover arrangements and created an email just for him.

Ps yes pp just don't understand the dynamics unless they've lived it

Good luck girl

Yes this is so true. It would have worked on me tbh 'oh poor guy just wants to see his child more but his mean bitter ex is so controlling, she shouldn't have been so mean to such a great guy'

From the tone of OP’s messages and her general attitude I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another side to this story entirely.

When was he diagnosed? Was it before or after the divorce?

Blueynanditbingochili why so hostile? Why on earth post on a thread just to taunt the OP?? It's bizarre. I'm all for confronting an OP with an alternative opinion with a view to shifting a mindset but what is your aim here?

OP I think you are handling your narcissistic ex very well. Your experience with the nasty narcissist has come in handy combating the nastiness exhibited by some posters on this thread.

@Blueybanditbingochilli

True narcissism is very rare and goes beyond being a bit attention seeking on social media. In most of these situations there’s an element of push/pull from both parties. We’re only hearing OP’s side, naturally.
Of course we are hearing the OPs side. That's the entire purpose of mumsnet. What possible point would there be in people posting if everyone took the position that they are deluded and making shit up. Do you not under how forums work?
Perhaps you should leave this to the grown ups.

He's probably also trying to make the current GF jealous, telling her he is messaging you and implying you have responded favourably.