My narc ex is trying to make me jealous

[EvieAdams1]

I divorced my child’s dad four years ago after being married for 15 years. He's an insidious covert narcissist who presents himself as the nice guy. He was very envious of my success, which I achieved through hard work, but would secretly try to sabotage me while putting on a fake smile of being happy for me. He now has a new girlfriend, but he’s been using covert tactics to get my attention and try to make me jealous. I ignore it all, of course, as I have zero interest in his life.
I’ve blocked him on all forms of communication, but I didn’t realize I still had him on Instagram until recently when I started being more active on it. He had been watching all my stories until he must have realized that I could see him doing so. He also changes his WhatsApp profile picture to one of him and his girlfriend, then messages me something unnecessary about our child—clearly just so I’ll see it. She doesn’t realize he’s using her for this.
I keep communication with him to a minimum due to previous stalking incidents. I really don’t want to meet his new girlfriend, and I’m sure he’ll use this as a way to try to get to me. I’m sure she’s really nice, as that’s the type of person he targets, and my kid has said she is, but he’s likely told her that I’m the crazy one like he did me about his previous ex. She won’t know that my minimal contact is due to his stalking and coercive control, and that he was still stalking my social media account recently.
Can I get away with just not meeting her? How would you handle this? I was hoping that when he found someone new, I’d be left alone, but now he wants my attention more than ever. It’s so covert that, from the outside looking in, you wouldn’t notice what he’s doing.
I can't wait until I child becomes an adult so I have deal with this nonsense less.

You could block him on Instagram (and you should) but he could make another account to check on you (and he probably will)

As a PP said, if you have no experience with narcissistic abuse and don't understand how these people operate, you should probably not bother responding.
Abusive narcissists frequently pit the ex against the current partner. Read her post again. She mentions that he left some lame WhatsApp message just so she would see his picture with the new girlfriend. This is typical narc behaviour.

Thanks I have already blocked.

I blocked and then got rid of my instagram

Thank you, someone understands! Also, it's not a one off. He changes his picture frequently and then will message with a no point message so I can see it. It's clearly on purpose as this was never the case when he was single.

UPDATE: This post is aimed at people with experience with narcissistic partners. If you have no experience then this is not for you. Also, if you have nothing helpful to say then go and tend to your children your misery and bizarre need to troll is not needed here. It's obvious why children bully when their parents behave like this to strangers online.

Whatsapp images are not a one off he has started to change them frequently and then message me every time with a no point message just so I can see the new picture. Something he never did when he was single.

Insta- Yes he has been blocked off there my only communication is whatapp.

Thank you for all the understanding and helpful message is so odd when I see women being vile to other women. Pure pick me vibes. Lol

Nope people that are here to add nothing to the post other than their bad day are twats.

I'm not sure you have quite read the post properly. If you have not had experience with narcissistic abuse this one is not for you. Cheers

So change your contact method to email. Get an email just for him to send no point messages to. Check it once week or fortnight. Block on everything else.

You don't have to reply to any emails, and if he sends pictures you can ignore.

Thanks for this. I have minimal contact, and avoid all attention seeking behavior. Unfortunately it not just a hangup. Instagram has been blocked and I just deleted my account. There were previous issues where I had to get police involved it is a longer story.

However, the WhatsApp stuff is since he had his new girlfriend and is not a one off. He now changes his profile frequently and without fail will message me a no point message so I will see it. It's very covert so from the outside it will look like nothing but if you had been married to him for 15 years you'd know he is spiteful and vindictive.

He even pretends to accidentally message me texts meant for his girlfriend so I will see it then deletes them. All very pathetic and tedious.

@EvieAdams1 Ignore the people who have never had to deal with this sort of shitshow. I really feel for you, it's exceptionally difficult, particularly when you're trying to co-parent. If it were me (and it has been), I would deploy the grey rock method of communication. Give him exactly nothing. He's trying to triangulate the three of you. He wants to play you off against each other. My ex did the same. You don't have to meet her and I wouldn't bother. Hopefully she'll find out quicker than you did what he's all about.

There are messaging apps that can be used in situations like this. Useful for people who have experienced DV and can be submitted to court if needs be. Block him on WhatsApp and make it clear that communication about DC only will be via such an app or a dedicated email address. That way you can check it when you want to. Be breezy with DC when they return from contact and then change the subject. My ex and OW (both raging narcs) liked to say or do things in front of my little boy so he'd come home and tell me. Fortunately he's fucked off 750 miles away and OW made him choose between her and our son. So we don't have contact with him any longer. Life is much easier and you will have the same in time! Good luck. It's such a hideous thing to have to deal with

How old is your DD and can all communication about visits etc go through her and her Dad? A lot of teens make their own arrangements because they tend to have a more active social calendar and navigate their time seeing the NRP around that.

That would distance you further from him.

I think what people on here are trying to say is that you cannot control what he does, but you can control how much head space you give it. I completely understand the reasons why he does the things he does, you need to learn to either delete it all so you don't see it, ie no whatsapp so you cannot see his profile pic, more old style messages with no pic. He has you in this state of waiting for the next thing he does so that is what you need to distance yourself from. Give yourself a mantra, something that makes you say it doesn't matter.

Stop using whatsapp for him, delete him as a contact. Use email or buy a cheap phone that you check once a week or so and only he has that number no one else and again use messages so no profile pic. Take some control back.

Can you archive his chats?
Just look at them once a week?

Or tell him you only want to communicate via texts not whatsapp?

Or do what our teens do us, which winds me up an unreasonable amount. Just answer K.

Not OK, oh no no no no, two letters is too much.

Just one single K.

It's infuriating to receive that.

He even pretends to accidentally message me texts meant for his girlfriend so I will see it then deletes them. All very pathetic and tedious.

Yes I had all that nonsense too. It's so tedious.

Your message is a little bit silly and it's so weird that you are so hostile over a stranger's post that you don't know the ins and outs of. Try and be a better person you're a parent. The beginning of your message started off well. And if you have no knowledge of narc abuse scroll on. Women should be supporting other women be better.

Another option is a dumb phone, so dumb that WhatsApp and pictures are none existent. Give him that number, check it once a week or fortnight.
Also he wont know if you saw the messages, or if you were online etc.
The less you give them, the less they have to get at. you

He even pretends to accidentally message me texts meant for his girlfriend so I will see it then deletes them. All very pathetic and tedious.

I'm sorry, narcs are so insidious aren't they? And all the people taking the piss and going "well you obviously still fancy him and are just being paranoid! Main character syndrome!" on this thread are prime examples of how effective the behaviour is. They make you look (and feel) crazy, and any voicing of your concerns will have you branded as the paranoid, crazy ex. "Look how obsessed with me she still is, she's making me changing my profile picture about her!" Etc etc.

It's bullshit, he's bullshit. The most powerful thing you can do for yourself is stalwartly ignore it all and remain bland and neutral towards him, and pleasant to the new girlfriend if you ever have to meet her. And yeah, block him everywhere you can and respond only to things about your child.

Good on you for escaping after so long together 💐

OP, @Jom222 has summed it up perfectly. If you follow the above he won’t have a next move. Kill him with kindness and indifference and remember your child is in the middle so the Dad will ask probing questions about whether you have made any comments about the girlfriend and if all that is reported back that Mum thinks Dad has a great girlfriend he won’t know what to do! Good luck and don’t let him live rent free in your head. He is an ex for a reason.

Yeah but it is.

He's got a new girlfriend. There is no need for him to be wondering what the Op's up to.

I get it Op. Your child means you have to keep communication open and that's really difficult with someone who enjoys the drama.

I'd be ultra lovely when meeting the new girlfriend. As you say she's probably really nice as that's the type he goes for. I might also talk about dating again like it was completely normal. Let him know you have moved on and are totally indifferent now

OP I get it, my ex is the same - to others it seems like he is moving on (and I'm happy for him) but I know he tries to make me jealous with his girlfriend and his seemingly perfect life.

He lets himself down when his mask slips and he messages me abuse about how his life is miserable and I'm the one causing it and sending me messages/pictures saying how he misses his family.

Someone who hasn't lived through something like this, makes you feel like you are bitter and jealous but you know him, you really know him without his mask to the world. My advice is to do what I do, continue to live your best life, ignore him as much as humanly possible (grey rock him).

Definitely move away from WhatsApp. It's too intrusive anyway. Using email will mean you can check for messages when you want to.

I'm many years out of my relationship with someone similar and I have found that very, very slowly things have dropped off. With teen DC, I have very little direct communication with him now.

It's frustrating that other people don't recognise this behaviour and some of the comments on here show how difficult it can be to navigate. I've had friends and family really let me down over the years through their naivety around ex's behaviour.

What a wonderful message thank you, you clearly have experience. Well done for surviving it yourself.

Yeah I will be obviously I don't talk badly about either of them. I have finally got a content life and it's annoying that he keeps trying to buzz in it like an annoying fly you can't get out of the room.
So shocking to see some of the posts from women on mumsnet. The place I had assumed where mums and women would be the most supportive. Diabolical LOL

Would you consider using a coparenting app for all communication.
Our family wizard works well for me and covert narc coparent. Then block on everything and get good at not responding to anything that doesn't directly relate to your child. It's an effort to grey rock but eventually becomes a worthwhile habit.

I'm also trying not to wish away the years until I can cut contact completely.

OP it's not really surprising so many women are clueless and accusing you of being crazy or obsessed. That's why narcs can so easily find new targets. Naive inexperienced women who are quick to think the ex on crazy.