My relationship with my parents - destroying me and making everyone miserable.

[whatiswrongwithme]

I've name-changed for this. I really need to talk about this and perhaps get professional help. I've just made an appointment with a Relate counsellor. I hope I've done the right thing or are there any organisations that are more suitable for my problem (I think Relate is geared more towards partner-relationships and such .. is this right?)

I feel a lot of dislike and resentment towards my mother and father individually. But especially my mother. I don't know why. They have been good parents, they've loved and cared and done so much for us as parents. There hasn't been any trauma or abuse when I was growing up. They are over-bearing and quite controlling which I recognise is the start to why I feel the way I feel towards them. It seems like they feel they have the right to say anything, in the name of 'love and care' for me, even if I have not asked their opinion or help. We've never had a relationship and I can't have conversations with them without losing my cool. Things they say would invariably irritate me. Of late, I've been in an email-war with my mum - it started from something that she said that really incensed me as I felt it was a critism, but it really wasn't. But because I reacted so strongly, she did too and now it has escalated into a full blown fight with old wounds re-visited. I hate the fact that she thinks very highly of herself (although she would deny this) and that she values 'face' so much. Dare I even say it, I don't even know if I love them. It disturbs me so much.

They're all normal problems between parents and children, I'm sure ... but I do not understand why I feel so strongly against them. It's so bad that it's starting to affect my relationship with my DH and DC. DH cannot understand as well and everytime he witnesses another fight with them, he wonders why and shakes his head in disappointment. I don't want him to think I am a bad person. I'm not - in everyday life as my capacity of a wife, mother and friend, I am normally thoughtful, caring and good fun to be with. But when it comes to my parents, I morph into this awful person that screams and shouts at them. I don't want to be like that and I really want to do something about that before my DCs are old enough to realise something is very wrong with their mummy and she's always nasty to her parents. It's making everyone miserable, even my brother has been writing to me and saying what an ungrateful, nasty person I am. I know my behavior are not justifiable - I need to understand why I feel like that and behave that way.

I've tried to change. I've written to them to say I'm sorry for my behaviour and that I will try to change. But even that isn't enough anymore. I've given up trying to make the effort. It seems to go unrecognised and in some ways, my letter absolved them from any responsibility and gave them more reason to chastise me for the awful daughter that I am.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. I guess there is no one else to talk to about this - DH thinks its an issue that my parents and I have to sort out and quite rightfully, doesn't want to get involved. I think I've made the right decision about getting professional help but is it the right one?

Whatiswrongwithme,

Re your comment:-

"for me fortunately, my parents never verbally abused me ...

But emotional abuse is just as bad, they don't have to hit you to make you feel awful inside. Snide comments cut deep especially ongoing ones. The people who were supposed to love you as a child unconditionally let you down badly. You feel that you've always have to conform to their standards. As this is impossibly high you'll never meet their standards and so they feel always disappointed in you and feel you are incapable. Everything that has been done for you by them has come conditionally.

Its a very painful realisation and I can see you're having a hard time emotionally now.

"which I think is why Johnso meant in my situation - that they only wanted the best for me, so to term them toxic is inappropriate".

But they only wanted the best for you on their own terms and thus did not act in your best interests. I actually think "toxic" is appropriate in your parents case. Controlling and overbearing parents can often bring out feelings of anger in adulthood because you would not now treat your children in the same manner. You've now realised that something is badly wrong and would like to fix it. You can fix your own self and change how you react to them and control your understandable anger towards them but you will never get any apology from them. Any accusation you make towards them will be met with very strong counter attack towards you and they will give you a long list of your "faults".

"I do agree that every parents inevitably become toxic in various degrees".

Why do you think that?. Short answer to that is NO, NO and thrice NO. No therapist would agree with you and I would say absolutely 110% NOT. Healthy and emotionally well adjusted parents anyway do not become toxic.

"I think you are very gracious to keep in contact and let them see your DS. I do it out of duty and I would feel sad if they were denied access to my DCs but in an ideal world, I would rather not be in contact with them at all".

That last sentence of yours is particularly telling. Toxic parents can become toxic grandparents as well.

"But to my parents, they will never realise or look inward to probe why I cannot speak to them. To them, I will not speak to them, therefore I am a bad daughter, ungrateful, etc. Maybe I am. Am I?"

No of course you are not. You are a child of toxic parents, people who let you down badly as a child. After all if these people were at all reasonable and or capable of reasoning they would listen to you and you would be able to reason with them. Toxic parents patently do not have this ability but are more than happy to blame everyone else but themselves. Blaming everyone else absolves them of responsibility you see and having to look inward at their own selves.

I think your Mum was the main driving force behind all this (I note you are extremely angry towards her) and your Dad was perhaps more passive and acted as bystander. He didn't actively stop your Mum did he?. I would not let him off the hook either. A thousand pardons if I am at all wide of the mark here but feel you are angry for good reason.

Examine this further - what roles did your parents play, who was the bystander and who was the most active?. You played a defined role as is the case in most dysfunctional families - you were and remain the scapegoat, the one who does not "co-operate", the "nasty" one (because you challenge them).

You're full of self doubt as you've been conditioned to think like this, as another poster rightly pointed out they installed your buttons for them to press.

Do read "Toxic Parents" - it may help you and this is why I suggest this.

This "Toxic parents" thing really pisses me off. Yes, parents say and do things that hurt/annoy/upset us but that is because they are human beings and that is what human beings do.

They are not supposed to be angels just because they are our parents and always take our side, agree with us and withhold criticism.

My own mother drives me to distraction with her criticisms and lack of tact but she is my MOTHER, that is how she is and I accept it. I do get cross with her and feel guilty for doing so but the way I see it that is part and parcel of a family. No one is the Waltons.

My parents did their best and I think the OP's parents have done likewise, besides saying the wrong thing. I think it's the reaction of their OP to their behaviour that's wrong, as she rightly realises.

Don't expect perfection from your parents, don't berate them when you don't get it and try and rub along. THAT's what family life is all about.

But they only wanted the best for you on their own terms

I think that phrase pretty much sums up how I feel about my relationship with my mum actually. After posting earlier and reading more of this I think that My mums biggest problem is that I am very different from her as well. I don't remember her being like this when I was very small, I think the relationship started to deteriorate when I got past that worshipping mummy stage and had a strong personality of my own. I had opinions of my own and they never matched us.
I wonder after reading this if maybe my mum struggled with that stage of my life now and that is where the control thing came from. I do know that as the baby of the family she seems to have lost it some way along the line that I have grown up now and that although I may be the youngest I am by no means in need of any moe guidance and advice than my sister or brother were at 30 but she would never have dreampt of treating them the way she treats me and ironically enough I am the only one of the 3 of us that is no a parent so in a way the most obviously not a child anymore if that makes sense.

I am sorry if the term "toxic parents" winds you up. This reaction can also though be stated by people who have fortunately have had no experience of growing up in such an awful oppressive atmosphere (though to outsiders and the outside world everything appeared fine and dandy within the family unit). It is thus incomprehensible to these people that some parents could actually behave in such a manner.

You take a look at the Stately homes threads to see other examples of abusive behaviours shown by their parents (the very people who were supposed to love them unconditionally) towards their children. These now adults live with the legacy of such pasts but are trying to reclaim their own lives. What would you make of those people who did that to their now adult children?.

Parents all make mistakes with their children. FACT. However there is a vast, vast chasm between that and those parents whose deficiencies and behaviours cripple their children emotionally and cause huge damage.

Family life works two ways - what if a person comes to realise that there was mistreatment within their family and no-one but this person seems to realise it or importantly wants to address exactly why this is. Toxic parents don't have the capacity to listen and be reasoned with - after all if they did they would not be toxic.

I feel the other poster for what its worth is angry at both parents for very good reason. She has never been listened to properly by them and has been subtlely put down in a "Don't challenge me, know your place" manner.

How about trying a life coach?

You have recognised that there is a problem in your life and seem ready to move on, so that is terrific. I think that if you had the "new & exciting projects" this then this would give you excitement, interest, social interaction and achievement, all of which should make you feel happier and improve your self esteem.

Then the importance of your parents in your life may fall into a new perspective and the relationship may become easier to handle. I think I would make a lot of emotional distance with your parents in the first instance. You can "be a good daughter" and keep them involved by sending regular news emails and photos, and getting the kids to write/draw pictures etc.

What things would you enjoy that you are not doing right now?

Anything you feel is valid.

If you are lashing out in anger against them, there is a reason...even if at the moment it is out of consiousness.

Post on the stately homes thread we can help you start to unravel what is wrong...and you don't need to read it all before posting, or comment on other peoples posts...its just an ongoing support thread.

And I agree with all Attila has to say, she's very knowledgible and gives good advice.

Anyway I would you like to know that I believe that you have reason to be angry, even if you don't know why yet.

Hope to see you on the other thread soon

allyxx

Be very careful. After years & years of rowing with my mum, we had one terrible, final row that left one of us in hospital & the other imprisoned. Please stop before this (or worse) happens to you. Relate is an excellent idea. The only other advice I can give you is to force yourself to agree with your parents, no matter what atrocities they come out with, or better still, say nothing. If it becomes unbearable, get away as quickly as you can until things cool down. Check into a hotel if you must. Good luck.

Psudeoforthis

Agree with them!!!!!!!!!

Under no such circumstances should the op do that...so what does she do, put a lid on her feelings till one day they burst out and she physically attacks them?

Better to limit contact with them while she works through her feelings and then decide which path to take.

I sat on my feelings about my parents for 28 years...much good that did me. I never attacked them physically but the verbal attacks from my mother continued until I broke all contact with her.

I just hope you have sorted our your relationship with your mother now, either with or without contact with each other. I can only guess what you had to put up with before you phsically attacked one another...

Parents who demonstrate support eg. The helping after having baby and donating money when needed but are emotionally undermining and unsupportive eg. The unhelpful comments about the school, not respecting your ability to make adult decisions, can be VERY confusing....

My mum is very similar and it really is HER problem. It's a control issue and you're stuck in a cycle where you're really going to get no satisfaction. You have to take a step back, survey their motives, actions and your response and look at alternative ways to communicate with them. You must assume that they will not change, even if you decide to confront them about your feelings. Do it for yourself, to move on and break this cycle.

It's interesting that you've married someone who has behaved similarly to your situation- by being unsupportive. It's not unreasonable to expect a partner to try to understand...your knee jerk reaction of reacting childishly has probably given everyone an image of you that is false but it is up to you to change that. You must set an example to your children that you can be mature when you're upset but not to hide it or be ashamed... you sound like you've been pigeon holed as being 'childish' and 'ungrateful' which masks the real issues of them treating you in such a way that makes it difficult for you to behave otherwise. Prove them wrong! Deal with your side of this and let them get on with their own problems.

MrsMacaroon, what you've written is very interesting as I have never saw my situation from your point of views - about my parents demonstrating support but being unhelpful in not respecting me as adult. And about DH being unsupportive - I always thought he is rightfully not getting involved. In some ways, it would get messier if he got involved so I agree with that. But in other ways that I probably didn't want to face, I think a little part of me is slightly disappointed in him too.

All of you have been so supportive with your responses, I am very grateful. At the same time, I started this thread with the mindset that I am at fault (more so than my parents) - so to be told that my feelings are normal is pretty unexpected. I will definitely join the 'stately homes' thread, although again, I am still not so sure if I have misrepresented my parents (or is it the 'guilt of betraying them' talking?) - I really don't know if they are toxic parents - judging by other posters' experience of their own parents, my parents don't hurl verbal abuses at me - the times they have labelled me names were when I have been so childish towards them with my screaming and shouting, which I recognise that I really need to put a stop to.

In many ways, I am so relieved that perhaps I am not such a dysfunctional character afterall, but in many other ways, this has opened up a lot of other issues I need to think about.