My relationship with my parents - destroying me and making everyone miserable.

[whatiswrongwithme]

I've name-changed for this. I really need to talk about this and perhaps get professional help. I've just made an appointment with a Relate counsellor. I hope I've done the right thing or are there any organisations that are more suitable for my problem (I think Relate is geared more towards partner-relationships and such .. is this right?)

I feel a lot of dislike and resentment towards my mother and father individually. But especially my mother. I don't know why. They have been good parents, they've loved and cared and done so much for us as parents. There hasn't been any trauma or abuse when I was growing up. They are over-bearing and quite controlling which I recognise is the start to why I feel the way I feel towards them. It seems like they feel they have the right to say anything, in the name of 'love and care' for me, even if I have not asked their opinion or help. We've never had a relationship and I can't have conversations with them without losing my cool. Things they say would invariably irritate me. Of late, I've been in an email-war with my mum - it started from something that she said that really incensed me as I felt it was a critism, but it really wasn't. But because I reacted so strongly, she did too and now it has escalated into a full blown fight with old wounds re-visited. I hate the fact that she thinks very highly of herself (although she would deny this) and that she values 'face' so much. Dare I even say it, I don't even know if I love them. It disturbs me so much.

They're all normal problems between parents and children, I'm sure ... but I do not understand why I feel so strongly against them. It's so bad that it's starting to affect my relationship with my DH and DC. DH cannot understand as well and everytime he witnesses another fight with them, he wonders why and shakes his head in disappointment. I don't want him to think I am a bad person. I'm not - in everyday life as my capacity of a wife, mother and friend, I am normally thoughtful, caring and good fun to be with. But when it comes to my parents, I morph into this awful person that screams and shouts at them. I don't want to be like that and I really want to do something about that before my DCs are old enough to realise something is very wrong with their mummy and she's always nasty to her parents. It's making everyone miserable, even my brother has been writing to me and saying what an ungrateful, nasty person I am. I know my behavior are not justifiable - I need to understand why I feel like that and behave that way.

I've tried to change. I've written to them to say I'm sorry for my behaviour and that I will try to change. But even that isn't enough anymore. I've given up trying to make the effort. It seems to go unrecognised and in some ways, my letter absolved them from any responsibility and gave them more reason to chastise me for the awful daughter that I am.

I'm not sure why I'm writing about this. I guess there is no one else to talk to about this - DH thinks its an issue that my parents and I have to sort out and quite rightfully, doesn't want to get involved. I think I've made the right decision about getting professional help but is it the right one?

Whatiswrong with me

Firstly I have a very similar relationship with my parents, so really feel for you.
Secondly there is nothing wrong with you, so please don't feel guilty
You shouldn't have to feel grateful for anything. You didn't choose to be born, they have a duty to love you, respect you and do whatever they can for you without putting you down like this. Your brother is an individual and may well have a different relationship with them but he can't understand the complexities of your relationship with them. I suspect if he feels insecure, he will be trying to win favour with them by criticizing (?Sp) you
I sought counselling and it was the best thing I ever did. It tought me to focus on my own life and stop caring so much about them and what they think. I still have contact with them but limited and on my terms. My DH supports me and dosen't like them much either.
Children do not grow up feeling like this about their parents for NO reason. Please trust your feelings.

Thank you Attila for the thread. I'm still reading it. Can't believe I missed it out. I will look at BACP website too.

But, like Johnso mentioned, I never thought they were toxic and still don't think they are - maybe to a certain extent. They never intended out to be - they've never asked for anything in return, perhaps only for me to be grateful and treat them nicely. I always thought I'm the one with the problem. They are a main cause of my problem but I'm really not sure if they are toxic. But maybe they are, I don't know anymore.

Pheebe - been doing that, but need to control myself more. So hard though.

Actually, funnily enough - I started this thread expecting to hear 'grow up', 'get a grip of yourself' and 'your poor parents' type of responses. Both my parents infuriate me so much and I really hate the way they bring out the worst in me.

roseability - which organisation did you go to for counselling? do you have one to recommend to me?

Look, it's no wonder they know how to push your buttons. They installed them.

I'm not sure they totally fit the 'toxic' label. The BACP website is a v good place to look for counsellors. You should particularly look for a female counsellor, given your issue is largely with your mum, tbh.

I find all this critcising parents so juvenile to be honest.
I haven't read one thing her parents have done
that is terrible.
IME ost parents never stop trying to please their children, esp the eldest

whatiswrongwithme there is nove them see body that brings out the worst in me quite like my mum does. One thing that made me really stop reacting to it was when I lokoed at my own children and realised I had to for my relationship with them.
I had to had to have them see me as the grown up so I had to bite my tongue and be one.
I also spoke to my sister recently and although my mum is not the same with her I do now know that there were things I felt about my mum that she did too which was a big help.

My sister had the same problem with my parents. They wanted the best for her - but in their own way. But they are really loving and caring, just she wanted to do things her way and fought for it - and that's where the the problem was rooted. It went for so long spirralling out of control: skipped exams, dropped college, marrige wich did not last, custody fights over the child (child's father excluded). It took nearly 25 years for her and mum to have somewhat normal communication. Dad unfortunately died before that. As I see it now - they were trying to help her to live her life, out of love, protecting her from mistakes. Her reaction was over the reason most of the time. No amount of talks, advice etc could make any lasting difference. Only when she sought some professional help with unrelated matter - then it all surfaced and things slowly started to change. In her, not mum. Mum is still the same, loving and into our lives with her opinions on everything. It is irritating sometimes. But she's learned how to live with that. She is more often on the phone to her than I've ever been.
Please do not wait longer. If there is no improvement, look for professional help. Friends can be comforting and helping, but I think it needs an outsider, with the right skills. I am sure you can get out of it, please do not leave long.

Yes, I too think of my children and know I have to put a stop to this. I cannot let this affect them. It will kill me if/when they start to talk to me the way I speak to my parents. Then again, I am so determined that I will not be like my parents, to give my children the respect and privacy they deserve when they are growing up, to encourage them rather than instill fear and guilt, to want to earn their respect and trust, rather than think that as a parent, I deserve it.

My DH, parents and bro have started to say the same thing - that my DCs will treat me the same if I don't put a stop to this.

Notagain - I am grateful to hear a similar situation. My parents are the same. It is encouraging to hear that your sister has found help. I can't see myself on the phone with my mum having a normal conversation but at least I hope to stop behaving like a child towards them and accept that they cannot change. But I must.

Mine were like this too. I think its because I am very different to them and they felt threatened by that and criticised me. It's as if I have this bright and breezy exterior and mainly always happy that it the comments couldn't hurt me (from their point of view)

Although I have no doubt they love me.

It got to the point when I would list down criticisms comments during a visit to convince myself I was not going mad. Then look at the list afterwards to see that the comments were unjustified.

Something has changed recently and it has come from me - on one visit I just turned around to my mum and said will you just stop constantly criticising me. Since then our relationship has improved though god knows took so many years to get there.

Things roll off me more now like water off a ducks back. I think for me finally seeing the situation objectively and speaking up for myself made all the difference.

Johnso your comments are unfair and unhelpful for someone feeling like this. My father verbally abused me for years. My mother used to call me a bitch and told me she hated me on numerous occasions. Unless you have parents like this it is too easy to take the 'what have they done to deserve this' approach. Despite this I still have contact with my parents and allow them to see my DS. Don't judge unless you have been there yourself. Yes you are entitled to your opinions but not when they will make somebody feel worse than they probably already do. Is your intention to hurt and insult? Most parents do try to do anything to please their children but not all
whatiswrongwithme - I got free counselling through my work. Could this be an option? I agree with your opinion that you have to earn your children's respect and love. I am not advocating that you fall out with them indefinately (although that is up to you) but I do think counselling will help you to work through your feelings and hopefully be able to withstand their hurtful behaviour/comments without damaging your self esteem. They obviously have issues as well, but you have to be strong for your own family now. It sounds like you are different to your parents and this will benefit your DC hugely. I also worry how my relationship with my parents will affect my DS. However, I will just be honest with him when he grows up and talk about it. I think as long as you are honest with your children that is the main thing.

Mine were like this too. I think its because I am very different to them and they felt threatened by that and criticised me. It's as if I have this bright and breezy exterior and mainly always happy that it the comments couldn't hurt me (from their point of view)

Although I have no doubt they love me.

It got to the point when I would list down criticisms comments during a visit to convince myself I was not going mad. Then look at the list afterwards to see that the comments were unjustified.

Something has changed recently and it has come from me - on one visit I just turned around to my mum and said will you just stop constantly criticising me. Since then our relationship has improved though god knows took so many years to get there.

Things roll off me more now like water off a ducks back. I think for me finally seeing the situation objectively and speaking up for myself made all the difference.

sorry posted twice!!

Meant to add that my mothers favourite saying is 'well what do you expect if you ....' and once used it with me in a case of assault (I had been drinking). Always blaming me.

Thankfully my brother does recognise it too although to a lesser extent and she does not do that with my DCs.

I think I remind her of her sister and my favourite aunt (who is sadly dead now) who was very devil may care and who was allowed to leave our area and move away whereas my mother was not.

Yes, I am very different from my parents. Have always been. I bet they can't believe I came from them.

Their criticisms are not outright though - unless when its responding to my behaviour.

Since starting this thread, I've just been on a rollercoaster of feelings - from feeling so guilty for being the way I am, to feeling so angry all over again for the way they are. And worse still, remembering things that I have forgotten.
Which brings me to rant away my next point about my frustration towards my mum - that although she wants the best for me, I suspect that it isn't all totally altruistic (or am I even so naive to think parents should be altruistic?). I wrote earlier that she gets upset when DH and I have a simple domestic argument. To a certain extent, its because she doesn't want me to bring shame onto them (which is what I mean about valuing 'face' so much). Even times when other parties are in the wrong, it always seem to be my fault. It didn't matter that I was feeling upset, her response would be 'just don't cause any more trouble'. ANd I'm no troublemaker and I take responsibility for my faults. And I know for sure that she thinks I am so lucky to have DH and therefore if there were any issue to be ironed out, its my fault. Never is my DH's or anyone else for that matter.

Yes my parents always presume anything that goes wrong is my fault. Guilt is a big part of having a troubled relationship with our parents. The counselling helped me get rid of the guilt.

Just to add although counselling won't necessarily miraculously give you an amzing relationship with your parents it will help you and how you are feeling. Please do get counselling.

Roseability - sorry that you went through all that with your parents. For me fortunately, my parents never verbally abused me ... which I think is why Johnso meant in my situation - that they only wanted the best for me, so to term them toxic is inappropriate. I do agree that every parents inevitably become toxic in various degrees. I think you are very gracious to keep in contact and let them see your DS. I do it out of duty and I would feel sad if they were denied access to my DCs but in an ideal world, I would rather not be in contact with them at all.

WWWM- Have to be quick but just wanted to say I have parents like this too.

The thing is as a kid they probably made you feel a lot of guilt and shame, because you were always wrong in some way. hence the one minuite feeling guilt the next anger.

You probably began to use anger as a defence mecahanism to these awful feelings they made you feel as a kid.

The other thing you have to try and realise is they are offloading their own inadeqaucies onto you. So its not that fact you are 'wrong' 'bad' as a person, but that's how they feel and so they project it on to you.

Its not healthy and its good you are realising this now because im sure these affects many facets of your life, some you may not even realise.

The only way through this is to talk about it (as you are doing now) with people who 'will' validate your feelings (cos your family never have and never will).
Therapy is a great start. Also reading yourself so you can begin to rationalise the way they interact with you.

Good luck, and remember as the scapegoat of the family you are probably the strong one and you 'can' break this pattern.

I think I'm starting to understand this 'scapegoat' concept - I wasn't sure if it applied to my family, but now I think they see me as the 'black sheep', the one who does not follow their instructions, or abide to their philosophies or values, therefore not the dutiful one and hence the ungrateful one. Also, the youngest in the family ... therefore, the baby and in need of correcting. They don't necessarily pile the load on to make themselves feel better, but I think they genuinely believe that I need to be sorted out.

roseability- I am sorry that your experience was so bad but the OP has not expereinced such abuse.
I am commenting on her circumstances and from my own experiences. I cannot relate the OP's experiences to yours and I think you are being unfair to pick up on my comments and take them personally.
But then, it would be impossible to post on here and expect to please everyone.

WIWWM - please CAT me if you feel it might help. I don't discuss my related experiences on here atm but would be happy to chat to you off-board.

whatis- I think when you have different values from your family it is very hard to stay calm.
I hope my comments heve not hurt and upset you as roseability suggested they had. I am actually speaking from personal experience.
I will leave this thread now.
Good luck

Your parents are 6,000 miles away...well that's a good start if they upset you! So you have physical distance but not emotional distance.

I think you need to get some emotional distance from them.

An email war of words sounds like a bad idea best avoided! Can you keep your emails short and uncontroversial? And just don't respond to anything controversial that your parents write?

Limit your phonecalls in length of call and how frequently you speak and if things start to get heated make an excuse (cake in oven or whatever) and say you will phone back. Then leave it a few days before you do!

Can you work out what it is that you want/need from your parents that they don't give you - and work out how you can get that stuff from other people in your life instead. And try to let thoughts about them drift out of your mind and be replaced by positive stuff and new exciting projects.

Johnso - Please read my comment 15:55:12. Actually, I'll just copy and paste it. Here goes :

Roseability - sorry that you went through all that with your parents. For me fortunately, my parents never verbally abused me ... which I think is why Johnso meant in my situation - that they only wanted the best for me, so to term them toxic is inappropriate. I do agree that every parents inevitably become toxic in various degrees. I think you are very gracious to keep in contact and let them see your DS. I do it out of duty and I would feel sad if they were denied access to my DCs but in an ideal world, I would rather not be in contact with them at all.

So just so you know, no offense taken as I agree with you that they in my situation, it is inappropriate to term them as toxic, well, at least not for now.

Replace with new exciting projects ... I think I need to get a life. Being a SAHM is great, but I do wonder , to a certain extent, how being one is eroding my well-being (whole new topic here ... please don't clobber me, fellow SAHMs who feel otherwise!)

Yes, I need emotional distance. My parents don't write anything too provoking. Situations always start when they make a passing comment that I will intepret as a criticism or overbearing and will invariably irritate me. Then I'll start behaving like a child losing the plot, they get upset with me and that's when the words 'ungrateful' and such surface. It's a vicious cycle. They won't accept that they are at fault as well as I am.

I have stopped communicating with them except for emails for purpose of updating. I can't talk to them over the phone as I can't bear my DD seeing me the way I am on the phone. She is old enough to realise that something is wrong and has asked before 'mummy, why are you doing bad talk?'

But to my parents, they will never realise or look inward to probe why I cannot speak to them. To them, I will not speak to them, therefore I am a bad daughter, ungrateful, etc. Maybe I am. Am I?

Berolina - thanks, I've never CAT before. Will figure it out and get in contact with you.