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Original poster

Is sleeping in separate beds the last taboo?

40 replies

abigailsfs · 31/08/2024 18:02

My husband and I don't sleep in the same bed. It doesn't work. He is an extremely light sleeper and gets up several times in the night and then wakes me up, leaving us both knackered and pretty grumpy the next day, so we decided a while back to sleep separately. TBH, I think he is cool with it, but I sometimes struggle. I know it makes sense. Otherwise, work, etc, is just like trudging through treacle, but I sometimes feel like we are roommates, not husband and wife. When we have outed our 'sleeping separation' to friends, their reaction always surprises me as it is typically one of concern and 'What does this mean'? Which then makes me feel worried that we are outliers and it's a sign of something deeper.
Is this the last taboo, and lots of people are doing it, or do you think it is a slippery slope?

OP posts:
Trinity69 · 31/08/2024 18:11

I think it sounds blissful and if I had room, we’d sleep separately too. My DP wouldn’t like it though, but then he’s not kept awake by his snoring every night!

My parents sleep separately and have done since I moved out in 2007. My Mum has sleep apnea and if she slept my Dad couldn’t and the she’d worry so she wouldn’t sleep to allow him to. Now they both sleep.

scalt · 31/08/2024 18:16

It’s a cliche: Basil and Sybil Fawlty sleep in separate beds, because they despise each other. But my DH and I sleep in separate rooms, because one of us works shifts. We do have “together time” in bed though.

Mum2Fergus · 31/08/2024 18:17

Separate rooms would be my idea of perfection lol...

Ozanj · 31/08/2024 18:17

If you still have sex it probably is ideal.

LilacRaven · 31/08/2024 18:19

If you're doing it purely for practical reasons as lack of sleep was a wellbeing issue I don't see it as an issue. However if you feel like flatmates that is an issue. Me and H temporarily slept in sperate beds when we had young infants but I would sneak into his room in the middle of the night for intimate times and we would still kiss and cuddle on sofa etc so the romance stayed.

mrsdolittle · 31/08/2024 18:27

DH and I sleep in separate rooms. He is a snorer and I am a light restless menopausal sleeper. It works for us, we still have sex and are happy. If I had to sleep with him every night I would be exhausted, cross and not happy at all!! Which would almost certainly equal no sex Smile

That said when we go away we are able to share a room/bed no problem for a few nights. But wouldn't want to do it again permanently.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 31/08/2024 18:35

I will never share a bed again. XP was horrified when I suggested it (due to his snoring and tossing and turning all night). I wore earplugs but the fidgeting was still a nightmare. We had two small doubles next to each other, so could roll over into each others bed for cuddles and sex (which we did every night that he stayed at my house) but could get up without disturbing each other and had our own (king size) duvets.

Current DP is a really light sleeper - even in separate bed with ear plugs he’d struggle to share a room with me, so I sleep in a different room at his house and he doesn’t stay at mine at all! He doesn’t like the idea of separate beds but it would definitely be more for his benefit than mine, he wouldn’t sleep a wink with me in his bed. He only manages about 4 broken hours a night with eye mask, pillow spray, antihistamines, ear plugs and blackout blinds.

He makes me coffee and we get into bed together in the mornings for a cuddle and have a hug before sleep too, even if we’ve had sex earlier in the evening.

Separate beds doesn’t need to mean no intimacy.

Fleurdalys · 31/08/2024 18:40

I sleep on my extremely comfortable sofa with my snuggly Frenchie
Heaven
I have the window open for fresh air which my H hates
Win win
We still have sex
Just rather sleep with my dog

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/08/2024 18:41

I think more couples do it than people realise… and more would like to but can’t.

Either because of snoring, co sleeping child or different sleep needs 3/4 of my friendship group sleep separately from their partner. The one who doesn’t has been with her husband since she was a teen so has grown up sharing a bed with her DH where the others have had time being single and having our own space. Personally love my own bed without a snorer waking me constantly

LoneHydrangea · 31/08/2024 18:44

If you’re still getting together for regular sex, it sounds like a fantastic set-up.

TryingToHelpBut · 31/08/2024 18:51

According to my DD, out of her uni flatmates of 8, only two mums and dads shared the same bed anymore (we are one of them) Lots of my friends would like it. Some don't have spare room, some have a partner that doesn't want to. I'm not bothered either way at the moment.

DesparatePragmatist · 31/08/2024 20:58

We don't. But we're not a great advert. Allegedly because of a co-sleeping child arrival in the small hours every night, in practice because we really are companions and housemates now. To be honest it's one of the things that enable me to choose a different way of being together. Forced intimacy with someone I don't want to be intimate with (and I don't mean sex - sleeping in the same bed is a special kind of vulnerability and intimacy) would push me towards separation.

Werweisswohin · 31/08/2024 21:01

A good night's sleep is important - do whatever works and is practical with the space you have!

Mykittensmittens · 31/08/2024 21:06

My DH snores and has PLMD. Plus he gets up at 6am for work.

I need an open window and a sheet. I sweat. The slightest thing wakes me up, and I’m often awake 4-5am for an hour.

He likes to read and listen to podcasts before sleep. I like to sleep in the pitch black the minute my head hits the pillow.

We periodically had nights in separate rooms which diluted the sleep deprivation. Then last Xmas we had family stay and had to share a room 10 days solid. On day 10 I absolutely lost my sleep deprived shit. He has pretty much willingly slept in the spare room, which we have since upgraded with a really good mattress and bedding.

sex is off the agenda (due to a medical issue on my part) at least temporarily, but we are close, snuggly at other times, he’s absolutely my love and even more so now I don’t have to have his company 10pm-8am!!!

Shoxfordian · 31/08/2024 21:07

We have separate bedrooms, we both sleep better as our schedules don't match, as long as you have space for other intimacy then it's fine

Legoninjago1 · 31/08/2024 21:12

We sleep separately and I'd say a good number of my friends do the same.

unlikelychump · 31/08/2024 21:15

We have separate duvets in one king size bed. I love it.

DixonD · 31/08/2024 21:17

Ozanj · 31/08/2024 18:17

If you still have sex it probably is ideal.

This is us. We have separate rooms but have sex in his bed. I love it.

Vallmo47 · 31/08/2024 21:18

Separate sleepers here too and it’s saved our marriage - still adore him and maybe that’s why. ;) We both sleep well apart and I know for a fact I’d have seriously injured him if we were together (I can still hear him snoring on another floor when I go toilet). It’s no one’s business but yours- go enjoy your sleep and cuddles in free time. All I used to do when sleeping with my husband was argue.

SpanielPaws · 31/08/2024 21:35

We haven't shared a room for about 2 years now. He's got a terrible sleep pattern (gets up at least 3 times a night) and also has restless legs - and he point blank refused to try medication that the GP offered. So he's in the spare room. I am not a nice person to be around if I'm sleep deprived......

Flossflower · 31/08/2024 21:36

My husband and I are both bad sleepers and used to wake each other up. As our children have long since left, we have spare bedrooms. We were taking it in turns to use a spare bed so in the end I just made one of the bedrooms mine and bought a new very comfortable double bed to go in there.This is much better. If I can’t sleep I don’t have to worry about waking my husband and he doesn’t have to worry about waking me if he is restless. It doesn’t affect our relationship.

Hillrunning · 31/08/2024 21:49

Technically we sleep in different beds 2 nights a week as DH is on night shift at the attic room stays darker in the daytime than the master bedroom does. But it isn't his room, we still shares a bedroom with our clothes etc in it. I recently was shown round my neighbours house and they had entirely separate bedrooms with clothes and decor specific to them and that did strike me as a bit sad, but I don't really know why.

MumofSpud · 31/08/2024 23:54

My parents have slept in separate rooms since I was 12 (so 40 years) - if they go on holiday then it's still separate rooms!

I think it very much depends on the reason why - so if you have a shift worker and a v light sleeper for example this makes sense

I think the separate beds is a good idea rather than rooms (again depending on the reasons!)

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 01/09/2024 00:36

MumofSpud · 31/08/2024 23:54

My parents have slept in separate rooms since I was 12 (so 40 years) - if they go on holiday then it's still separate rooms!

I think it very much depends on the reason why - so if you have a shift worker and a v light sleeper for example this makes sense

I think the separate beds is a good idea rather than rooms (again depending on the reasons!)

Yes this is a slight downside - once you get used to separate rooms you have to book 2 hotel rooms or an AirBnb with 2 bedrooms (one always has single beds too!). Turns out I can’t sleep in a single bed these days either so poor DP gets the short straw on that one.

Channellingsophistication · 01/09/2024 07:20

My DP snores terribly so we sleep separately and have done for years