He says I am clingy

[Gifgaf]

We live in a small apartment currently with our kids and he keeps saying I am in his space all the time. Examples:

• If he's in the kitchen, and I go in to get or do something quickly it's a huge issue.

• we are both in the living room, and if I get up to bed at the same time, he gets annoyed and says why I need to get up at the exact same time.

• He goes to the room to sit and do nothing, I go into the room to sit down because I am tired also and again it's an issue.

• He goes to the bathroom, and I happen to be crossing over in the corridor and he says I am weird and standing around.

It's been going on for a while and I haven't let it get to me but now it has and I am sat here like an idiot dropping tears over my husband who seems to have an issue with me "being around".

I can't stand it anymore and I said to him if he wants that much space, I'll give it to him permanently and he doesn't have to see me or be around him.

I am not even in his space how he exaggerates!

The getting up at the same time as me to go to bed would drive me nuts. I love my own space and own agenda. Maybe he’s similar?

The others don’t make much sense though. It sounds like for some reason he’s really irritated by you and finding reasons to have a go at you. Do you think he wants out but he’s too cowardly to say?

What did he say when you said you would leave?

I think you need to start talking to your husband about the things that aren't being said between the two of you.
His reactions are exaggerated, but are probably outbursts related to other things that have piled up over time. Not uncommon when several people live in a small space for a long period of time. He's not right for expressing himself like this however.
The way you're feeling right now is also an emotional reaction. What you're not doing is having a calm converation with your husband at a quiet time, after the kids have gone to bed or when they're not home.

• Why does he feel the need to act this way? What's going on with him emotionally?
• How can he express himself in a different way when he needs space, without attacking you? How can he communicate his need for space in a calm way, which allows you to give him that space without feeling emotionally overwhelmed?
• What are good compromises for giving each other some much needed space. Can you take turns taking the children out for an afternoon? Can you agree on times when one of you stays in the bedroom and is not disturbed unless there's an emergency?
• How can you two become partners, allies against a common problem: living in close quarters. Neither one of you is the problem. You're both feeling the effects of that same problem, and you should be handling it together rather than taking it out on each other.

Do you think you can have this kind of conversation with him?
I hope the answer is yes. If you say he'd get angry or get defensive, then your problem is a lot bigger and you may need to rething the relationship, because there is no solution.

Living in a small apartment with kids is hard. I can see that if you were longing for a but if space, you might want to be able to get ready for bed alone (sometimes) or occasionally sit in a room alone if tired. You might not be able to do anything about the latter if there’s no where else for you to sit obviously.

The others are odd, and sound like they are about him being irritable.

I would have a conversation about it, point out that you aren’t being clingy - it’s lack of space, and ask him why it’s suddenly become an issue for him, it might be that collectively you can come up with ideas that might help everyone live in harmony - like a gym membership that means you can both get out a couple times a week etc.

It sounds overcrowded at your place and it must be difficult for everyone. Do you ever get any time apart? Can you both start going out and giving each other some space? Gym, cafe, exercise class, book club, cinema, cafe etc for a few hours and see if that improves things.

Yes, it sounds to me as if you're on top of one another because of insufficient space. Spend some time apart put of the flat doing something you enjoy.

I need my own space too. Small apartment is far from ideal. I agree with taking turns going out to give the 9ther partner a bit of time away.

I think you've said the right thing tbh. If he can't stand being around you then there's a simple solution. He leaves, and has all the space he wants.

If he doesn't want that, then it's up to him to communicate what it is he does want. Maybe there's a compromise to be had.

Stick to your guns, OP.

So what he's basically saying is you're not allowed to be in the same room as him as it's clingy? He's pathetic and it doesn't sound like he likes you very much OP

'Reassure' him in a very adult voice that the space is your home too and you move around it naturally, which you are entitled to do, and sometimes you'll intersect with him, as he does with you. It is normal for you to want to sit and relax in the space designating for sitting and relaxing. It is not an invasion of his privacy - it is not solely his room. It is normal to cross paths in corridors. The issue is that he is so hyper aware of needing so much space and feeling your normal use of your home is an invasion of it. Ask him to respect that you being near him is not you encroaching on him but you occupying your home.

But it is also not abnormal to seek a bit of adult company in the evening. It is not clingy to gravitate towards the place where your partner is. It is also normal to follow cues sometimes. If DH gets up to go to bed, that might prompt me to do the same, whereas if he had stayed put i might have carried on reading or whatever. Again, these aren't signs of clingy behaviour but normal socialisation.

If he needs some down time alone, tell him to let you know, and to discuss where he has it - he could have a long bath or read on the bed if you are awake and busy downstairs. It's fine for him to need quiet time and ask for it and for you to respect his need for it, but make sure his needs aren't prioritised over yours and this doesn't become an issue of him controlling where you can and can't be.

He really likes his "alone time" and believe me I give him plenty of that.

With the bed thing, it doesn't always happen but I can't help if I get tired at the same time and agree it's time to go to bed. I now feel like I have to leave a few minutes before or I just sleep on the sofa and fall asleep watching TV.

It feels exactly like he's irritated by me and I don't know how to stop being "irritating".

If I try to talk, he hates that and thinks it's such a "woman thing". I feel out of options.

Has it been since you moved to the small apartment, or since you had DC's while in your small apartment, or is it something other and started happening more recently?

He sounds like a massive twat, OP. I would have said the same thing you said. If he wants that much space, he can leave.

If I try to talk, he hates that and thinks it's such a "woman thing".

That’s the biggest problem. He must have to talk about issues and participate in problem solving at work. He might hate it but it’s necessary, it’s necessary at home too. Adults have to do things they don’t like doing.

The “woman thing” comment is ridiculous. Emotionally mature men talk.

Many families have little space. We don’t all have separate rooms to relax in. He has the problem so if he isn’t going to provide a more spacious home, he either has to accept you are as entitled as he is to be in any room you choose or go elsewhere for his alone time.

I assume he hasn’t always been like this so there’s probably an underlying reason for it that he isn’t telling you. And given his hatred for talking, he isn’t likely to until it blows up or goes away.

I used to live in a small flat. It wouldn't have been half as claustrophobic had my ex permitted me to exist away from his supervision. You expect it to some extent from toddlers and cats - but fully grown adults? No way. He'd follow me into the tiny kitchen, he'd follow me into the living room, he'd follow me into the bedroom, he copped a strop when I started using the lock on the bathroom door because he couldn't follow me in there, he was then clearly hovering around outside the bathroom door and claiming that he just happened to be standing there listening passing purely coincidentally. I dropped my degree study because it went online and he couldn't handle my being in another room paying attention to people online for 90 minutes and would constantly come in to 'offer tea', 'how's it going?', 'why can't I meet your internet friends?', 'Are you OK?'.

He knew that it bothered me. So he turned on the Poor Me act. Which made it even worse.

When every time you move, there is somebody in your face, demanding that they are at least in your awareness, when you can't even sink your head into your pillow and pull the duvet up by yourself because they've sprinted upstairs to be in bed at exactly the same time as you, when there is absolutely no quiet time in your head because they are always there, it's the most suffocating feeling. All I wanted to do was run away. Eventually, I did.

He sounds like a twat

Just to play devil's advocate. The talking is a "woman's thing" is obviously a ludicrous thing to say but it sounds so claustrophobic. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I couldn't get any personal space and someone wanted to talk all the time. There may be other issues compounding it like stress and he just wants to be alone.

Do you go out in the evenings, or are you always there?

So many similar questions and responses so I'll answer here.

• With the small apartment, it does feel overcrowded. As I am currently pregnant, we are looking to move to a larger home with lots of space before baby arrives. For someone who seems to have an issue with me being "everywhere" he says he will miss being here and worried bigger house will make us all more distant.

• Regarding alone time, we both have gym memberships and I have family very close by. If anything I think he gets way too much "alone time" and find it selfish he complains about the time he does have around me. I always encourage him to do things or go out because I do understand couples need space, so I'd say I am definitely not unreasonable in that area.

• Regarding talking about things, I have tried for so long and try to encourage all the time but it's very exhausting to try with someone who sees 'no point" or gets very defensive. I think there is A LOT we need to discuss and it needs to happen at some point!

• Prior to living together, we had very different lives. He lived alone and loved it apparently, whereas I lived in a busy house with my family and siblings and don't like a quiet home or being alone. He doesn't like to have people over , and says me and the kids are the only exception of people he doesn't have an issue living with. His attitude to a lot of things, really piss me off and I have said to him he needs to let go of his ex bachelor living alone life because he chose to get married and chose to have kids and it's not fair to push this anger or frustration on me all the time.

I have told him nemerous time that if he's not happy, he can leave and go live in a way that pleases him but he just ignores me.

Going to be honest, I'm a massive introvert and I need a lot of time to myself. Living in a small flat in the city with my husband and daughter was probably the worst and most difficult time in our relationship, I felt on edge all the time because no matter where I was in the flat I felt like someone was on top of me. So I actually get where he's coming from, it makes your nerves feel fried to the point that just any other human presence is like a mosquito in your ear. I truly do understand his frustration and I just want to say - it's not you. You're probably not annoying, it's just when you need that total alone time to recharge and literally can't get it because you don't have the space, every single thing becomes unimaginably annoying. Including your most loved people.

However he's being a complete twat about it. Relationships require open communication, whether he likes it or not, talking to your partner about issues is not a "woman thing". He needs to either man up and have the conversation so you can bridge the gap over what's not being said in your relationship, or he needs to piss off and get the space he needs elsewhere.

Just out of interest, when you say you give him plenty of alone time, does he conveniently get to opt out of parenting your children?

He sounds very suspicious like he is looking over his shoulder the whole time , what's he up to is he on his phone a lot ?

This is another thing we argue about because I am basically 90% caregiver and everything to them and he ops out the majority because "he hasn't got the patience" or some other form of sexism. If anything I am the one who is constantly feeling overwhelmed and it's not nice when he then complains about me doing nothing but trying to live in my home just as he does. It comes across sometimes as, whatever he wants should be the way.

I am also a massive introvert if anything more than him. However, the majority of the time I am either working, cleaning or making food so not even in his space and the very few moments where we may cross paths, it's an issue.

I am also super stressed and going through things but where is his understanding of my needs at all. I actually find his behaviour very selfish.

I think for everyone who lives/ has experienced living in a small apartment with family, it's hard but what else am I supposed to do ?

The whole communication thing being a woman's thing is the dumbest thing to exist and it's sooo crucial in any relationship.

There are defo some frustrations between us but it's got to be a team thing to get through.

So you're married to someone who doesn't want you in the same room, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to parent or pull their weight and doesn't want to go to bed at the same time.

I'm assuming you wouldn't have married him or had children with him if this is how he's always been so in my opinion, he's disengaged. If he won't communicate, there's nothing you can do to resolve it.

I'm so sorry you went through that, I feel suffocated just reading it