Co-parenting a baby with a friend. Would you? Have you?

[SarahAndQuack]

I'm currently mulling this one over. I am a non-biological mother to my 7-year-old DD who is wonderful. I tried for another one a couple of times when she was a baby, but it didn't happen, and my then-partner was pretty unsupportive, so nothing came of it. I've felt pretty sad about it, but (especially after my ex and I split up), I couldn't see how I could possibly manage, financially and logistically, to try for another baby - I'd need IVF, which of course doesn't come cheap, and though my job is very flexible, obviously babies and childcare are expensive.

Recently, I got into a conversation with a friend of mine - he's also gay and with a long-term partner - and he admitted he really regretted never having children, and encouraged me to go for it. It wasn't a conversation I think either of us expected (there is quite a big age gap between us, for starters), but we think we'd like to try together. He wants to provide financial support and we're both clear we'd need a solid legal arrangement, and based on the discussions we've had so far, I do feel comfortable that he has a decent idea of what financial support would need to look like. We also seem to be on the same page about how much contact we'd want to have with a child and with each other, and how his partner fits into all of this.

But my question is: has anyone co-parented with a friend, and how was it? Or do you know people who have? We both do know people in this situation - he knows more, and better - but I am turning it over in my mind. I'm especially thinking about my lovely DD. She has known him for years, and likes him; he is good with her. She has grown up well aware that I am not her biological mother, but that I am her real parent and I love her very much.

We have a gay couple in our friend group. One of them has a daughter with a single woman. She is the main caregiver, he sees his daughter one weekend a month, but also during vacations, holidays etc.

When the little girl was a baby, she and her mum stayed in the extra bedroom when visiting her dad. They also went on vacation with the mum. She breastfed their baby and this is how they made that possible.

She calls him dad, and she calls his husband uncle.

She’s 8 now and they co-parent very well. He is such a proud father!

Thanks @ThaTrìCaitAgam. That sounds similar to what we are hoping to do in terms of staying over/holidays, although with considerably more contact than once a month (though, of course, you never know, and if I did end up being far and away the main carer, I think that would feel fine to me too).

It's really nice to know you know of a very positive example!

I’d do it if I were in your shoes. I think you’d need to be okay with the possibility of being solely responsible for everything for the child, practically and financially, or having 50/50 custody too, in case (God forbid) everything went rocky one way or another, but if you are then I’d say go for it, seems ideal to me.

I think the best way forward is to discuss potential problems

although there is never a limit to this .

how will you manage medical issues , new partners , look at parenting styles - though parenting your first child will be different to the second because they are different people . His is all theory currently.

how will you manage other partners - if one wants to move .

Also what co parenting means to both of you .

I don’t mean to sound negative but make sure you on the same page with this stuff is the best way to make it work or decide it won’t.

If you are already friends this is a great start.

Thanks. I'm not ok with being financially solely responsible, but if we have a solid legal agreement about finances, I shouldn't need to be. He's very comfortable; that could change, I suppose, but I would think he could put money in trust for a child.

Thanks @Starlightstarbright3. We've had some conversations along those lines. I just feel as if there must be things I'm not remembering to consider. It's especially hard to think about how sibling dynamics might work - DD is quite emotionally savvy for her age, but it is an odd one.

I have a friend who has a similar arrangement. So far it appears to be working well for all parties. The most important thing was open communication and mutual respect. They spent a lot of time considering 'what if' scenarios and 'how would you feel if' and 'what will we do about' and how will we parent together, what will this look like.
It doesn't seem like an easy path but then as they say life is hard, pick your hard, who do you want to do the hard thing with anyway.

I like that - 'pick your hard'. That's a good motto.

I think at the moment what is tricky is that I have (I think) quite a good sense of 'how would I feel if' - I've thought about it quite a lot. I'm a worrier and I like to think through all the possibilities. He's not a worrier at all, and he tends to say cheerfully 'oh, it'll all be fine!' and 'I'd be fine with any of those options!'

Your potential child with this person already has more going for it than many--lots of straight couples never discuss the worst case scenarios, and many children are born as a result of one night stands etc. Something like 50% of pregnancies in the US are unplanned. You're PLANNING, and that is going to give your potential little one a great start!

You've been very thoughtful and wise about your approach, and it sounds like the potential father has too--I would absolutely say go for it.

Thank you, that's such a lovely post to read. Much appreciated.

My gay cousin and his single female friend did this, they coparent just like any separated couple do. He's named on the birth certificate and they agreed from the outset the finer details. It sounds like a good solution to both of you wanting a child xx

Will you use his sperm and name him on the birth certificate so he will legally be on the hook to maintain his child?

Yes, and yes, but we also plan to have a legal arrangement about maintenance. He's keen to contribute properly, financially. I am not worried about that.

Out of interest what was the set up for your first DD?

I only ask as you say you are not her bio Mum and it doesn't sound like you are her father / step parent / foster parent or adoptive parent.

Would you ever be likely to move to a different place? You obviously wouldn't be able to move far.

But sounds like a good plan so far. Deffo agree on this like when should over nights start ect before you go ahead also parenting styles like cry it out for example. While you've already done the baby thing before he hasn't. Maybe he could do a parenting crash course of sorts?

I don't think you can anticipate all potential problems, but what new parents can? It sounds like you have a good starting point. Try to cover all corners and go for it, just make sure it's all in a contract. As an aside, do you know his family, or him yours?

When you say there's an age gap, how old would he be when your possible child is, say, 18? 30? (Assuming he is older)?
With one much older parent children can find themselves doing some elder care quite young even if it's just helping to make arrangements or temporary care for hospital discharge (e.g. my DH who is in his 60s had a cancer scare and a biopsy - my DCs were quite young but knew he'd been to hospital, needed quiet and cups of tea - but when older they might feel obliged to do the shopping, go to appointments).
This is going to be much more of an issue if you and their dad have never been in a relationship as I know a lot of parents will still help out with their ex if the ex is ill, but it could fall on the children.

Oh, sorry, I wasn't being deliberately oblique - I'm gay; she's my ex's biological child.

He'd be 65 when a child was 18. It is something I've been thinking about a lot. I would like to think I would help out if he were ill, but he does have a lot of very close family and I think they would, too.

No, not likely to move. YY, good idea to discuss nights etc. I wouldn't mind doing NCT again TBH - it's a nice way to make friends.

How would you feel if he wanted 50/50 shared care? If he stopped paying you maintenance? If he didn’t want the baby to have any vaccinations?

Overall I think it sounds lovely.

some things to think about:

• your current DD, how much do you have her now and would it feel upsetting to her that she isn’t with you as much as new baby? How could you help her if she feel unsettled or somehow less ‘yours’. I don’t think this is insunmountable at all - more just preparing for inevitable big feelings.
• what happens with inheritance for your friend. Assuming he has a partner who outlives him, will he leave some money in trust? Could it cause bad feeling?
• would his husband be willing and able to have your DC permanently and full time if something happened to you? If not, would your friend leave his husband to prioritise his child? Super morbid and hopefully unlikely - but worth considering a worst case.

Good luck. Despite the above ‘what ifs’ I actually think it sounds like a great situation.

I have a friend who looked into this and ended up doing a one day or evening course I think in London looking at the legal stuff around having a baby in a partnership like this, might be worth a google?

I think it sounds like a nice idea but I guess there may be a reason why your ex had the baby not you? How’s your health?

I think potentially 50/50 with a child (not a baby) would be fine; the reason we want a legal agreement would be to ensure he couldn't stop paying; he isn't anti-vax.

Thanks, that's a good thought.

Yes, you're right - my ex had the baby because she felt it was right; she was older than me, and I'd previously had miscarriages. It is quite possible I won't be able to carry a pregnancy; we know that.