Co-parenting a baby with a friend. Would you? Have you?

[SarahAndQuack]

I'm currently mulling this one over. I am a non-biological mother to my 7-year-old DD who is wonderful. I tried for another one a couple of times when she was a baby, but it didn't happen, and my then-partner was pretty unsupportive, so nothing came of it. I've felt pretty sad about it, but (especially after my ex and I split up), I couldn't see how I could possibly manage, financially and logistically, to try for another baby - I'd need IVF, which of course doesn't come cheap, and though my job is very flexible, obviously babies and childcare are expensive.

Recently, I got into a conversation with a friend of mine - he's also gay and with a long-term partner - and he admitted he really regretted never having children, and encouraged me to go for it. It wasn't a conversation I think either of us expected (there is quite a big age gap between us, for starters), but we think we'd like to try together. He wants to provide financial support and we're both clear we'd need a solid legal arrangement, and based on the discussions we've had so far, I do feel comfortable that he has a decent idea of what financial support would need to look like. We also seem to be on the same page about how much contact we'd want to have with a child and with each other, and how his partner fits into all of this.

But my question is: has anyone co-parented with a friend, and how was it? Or do you know people who have? We both do know people in this situation - he knows more, and better - but I am turning it over in my mind. I'm especially thinking about my lovely DD. She has known him for years, and likes him; he is good with her. She has grown up well aware that I am not her biological mother, but that I am her real parent and I love her very much.

Thank you.

I have DD 50% of the time; I hope she would be ok. We do talk about how she is mine (when the subject naturally comes up), and I have done my utmost to make sure she knows she is loved and secure. I think my friend will be able to sort things out for his partner and for a potential child; he's careful like that. Yes, I'm sure if something happened to me the two of them would care for a child; we will need to name someone in his family who is younger, as well (but this is quite doable).

No I haven’t but in your situation with the friend you have, yes I would. Good luck OP xx

it sounds like it could work if you make sure you discuss everything up front. Particularly parenting styles and things like school, holidays like Xmas, other partners, extended families, medical decisions, holidays abroad - who will have the passport for example. I think it all needs to be decided prior. You don’t want to go into it and then find out he agrees with smacking or something you don’t agree with.

Smacking was one of the first things! No, we do agree. But you're right, we ought to discuss holidays/Christmas and so on.

I kind of know of a friend in a comparable situation. She and her female partner have two children together and during lockdown and for the following year lived with their 2 gay male friends with their children and all co parented.

Your situation is also something I considered but didn't do.

Try @queerplatoniccoparenting on Instagram, they might be helpful to make sure you've covered everything.

Plus your other child. If she views him like an uncle - but will he treat her differently to his bio child? For example he comes over for Xmas and spoils younger one and not older one. That could cause resentment. Especially as you say he is well off

Thank you. I would be interested in your decision process, if you feel able to share aspects of it? But of course understand you may not!

Naturally, that's been on my mind a lot. I do not think he would deliberately make a difference. The other day, DD was with him for a bit - I was busy - and he was really enjoying being able to be a bit more 'dad' with her; she was happy with it too. It wasn't anything super obvious or likely to make a child ask questions, but I did quietly notice that he'd just felt able to be a bit more parental with her, and I really liked that; so did DD. I think it would be as ok as it could be. And he has known her since she was tiny.

Oops, turns out I really can't add up at nearly midnight (I am doing a bit of sleepless pondering, as you can see). He'll be 75. Yep, he's older than me.

Have you thought about worst case scenarios.

What if the child is seriously disabled mentally or physically.

What if his life partner gets a job in Aberdeen and he is torn cos he can't be in two places at once...is his partner on board with the fact that once a child is in the frame you are effectively in lockstep with another household until they are adult.

Yes, we've discussed what happens if the child is seriously disabled (or if I'm disabled by pregnancy).

It is extremely unlikely his partner would move jobs.

I considered having a baby with a gay male friend as a single woman but I didn't because he decided against it. I did though go on to have a baby on my own, which I don't regret for a second.

That's lovely to know.

Why can't he just help parent your existing child?

He's in his late 50s now? This sounds like a potential shitshow tbh.

Well, because my existing child has two parents, one of whom (obviously) isn't me. And while he does do quite a lot with my DD, I can't imagine my ex would be delighted if he decided to muscle in and set himself up as a parent to a child who already has two parents. He's not my partner; this is not a situation where he could be step-parent to my existing DD.

He's 56.

My daughter has a 23 year old friend who has a gay dad and a lesbian mum.
The dad has been in a relationship since before she was born.
The mum has stayed single throughout.
As far as I remember they shared custody. The two parents lived reasonably close and she was very much like a child whose parents had divorced - without the arguments or fights or emotional upset.
All the best

Thank you! That's what I am hoping for - the 'without the fights' bit!