How long to give it?

[Whatalife88]

Hey everyone, advice if you may,

I said something a couple days ago that offended my partner. I apologised quite quickly (within an hour) and said I would leave him be. We don't live together, we are long distance and have been together a year. I haven't heard from him since. I know I upset him hence my apology but not communicating at all is making me think he is bad at communicating which I don't like. Be a grown up and discuss surely? Does he just not care that much? We have said we love each other and see a future together.
I didn't name call or swear. I just said something he was offended by about our relationship. I don't plan to contact him as I said I would leave him to it and I dont want to put pressure on him but am I being a mug? Wwyd? Tia

It depends what you said.

We speak every day throughout the day usually. I basically said that I disagreed with the way he'd carried himself through a conflict in a group of people and that it makes me question him and I hope I'm not making a bad decision by being in the relationship.

He was hurt and I said sorry quite quickly and said I'd leave him to it. He hasn't said anything since.

Maybe what you told him was true - in which case his silence only confirms your thinking.

Yeah I agree with this.

He may be having a think about whether the relationship is right for both of you. It’s not abnormal to take some time apart to think about that as you would if you lived round the corner.

That's my impression. Your dislike of 'the way he carried himself through a conflict in a group of people' is quite a personal observation that could well be making him question whether you are right for him. He behaved true to his character during the conflict, I presume? In which case he could well perceive your judgement to be a (negative) judgement of his character.

He can only be himself. You don't like the way he behaved, which is one aspect of his character, and he knows it so has pulled back. I'd probably do the same in that situation.

Thanks everyone. I understand your points. I will leave him to it to decide. I feel very sad. I did apologise but might not be enough. Thanks.

When you said “I will leave you to it” do you think he realises you are expecting him to make the first contact?

No advice really but perhaps you both need to consider if you want to continue the relationship or not.

I definitely do want to continue. I don't know what he thinks. I suppose I could ask, but because I made it clear I was sorry and I haven't heard from him, I can only assume he doesn't accept it 😞

I disagreed with the way he'd carried himself through a conflict in a group of people

I’m curious, how did he carry himself during this conflict?

I suspect you’ve unwittingly done yourself a huge favour here.

With a huge amount of shit stirring which caused more issues, very childish and then when he couldn't handle the heat changed his tune, I said it was childish, I said he'd said some contradictory things and has also sometimes felt that way with me too and that I was hoping I hadn't made a mistake by caring too much about this relationship, meaning I'm scared to get hurt. He said it was insulting and he's not having it. I later came back to say sorry for hurting his feelings, that sometimes I get worried as we are long distance and will it ever change, I said I'd leave him to it. He since been silent with me.

Sounds like it's over to me.

I mean if he’s been super childish and you didn’t appreciate the situation I think it’s fine to try and discuss it. He can either work with you to resolve things or not. You can’t be in a situation where you can never raise an issue for fear of it being a huge row etc.

You have apologised, so if he hasn’t cooled down then perhaps he will contact you when he has, but if not then you can either message to clarify that it’s over or just leave it be.

Tricky one, long distance isn’t easy for resolving conflict.

Sounds like he was a twat, you called him out on it, and he didn't like it...

That's the thing, if you're done with me then tell me, if you aren't then let's talk to sort it out. Makes me think how unhealthy it could get.

I think this is just an incompatibility one. You can apologise, but you do still feel that way.

Maybe he just wants some time to think & then let you know.

Is it possible he thought you broke up with him when you said you would leave him to it?

I think that might sum it up, after reading more in your update about his behaviour during the 'conflict'. Might be a lucky escape, OP.

Check in with him. I had very similar recently. He was sulking so I left him to it for a number of days. I then asked what his plans were and he was ready to reconnect. Give it a last go, if you think he's worth it. It does sound like maybe you're not compatible though.

It's seems pretty clear that you're lucky to have dodged a bullet. He sounds pretty awful, honestly. He sounds like an immature, petulant little egomaniac.

Good riddance.

OP it sounds like you called him up on a behavior, he didnt like it and is now in a huff over it, punishing you with his silent treatment. Is he manipulating you into behaving in future by not communicating with you now?

I would stay sad, then get angry and stay away, he sounds juvenile

This is my concern, if he can't communicate like an adult then it won't work will it? I've been in an abusive relationship where a man shouts and now one who gives silent treatment. None of those are good are they? It does feel like a punishment.

This is very perceptive.