Think it’s time to throw in the towel

MrRobinsonsQuango · 2024-08-28T21:43:44+00:00

Been with my husband for 8 years, 2 young children. Found out he cheated on me with a long term female friend of his, he reckons it was a one off. Invited her to our wedding, she came to the wedding, got blind drunk, was a total state and then was super annoying the next day. I was pregnant at our wedding which everyone knew (including her!), then for an encore she was meant to meet our child after they were born. She dithered around for half the day, then cancelled saying she didn’t feel well For clarity l didn’t know he had ever cheated when we got married, he confessed at a later date as he felt guilty 🙄 He’s not sure if his friends know but when it all came out one of friends revealed they had had some suspicions but no proof. I think other people know for certain. Funnily enough l don’t especially wish to socialise with these people now I can’t forgive him for the whole chain of events. I don’t get proper explanations for this chain of events. Lots of none explanations like “l was trying to be a nice guy”. Well, not to me! You’ve been a disrespectful arsehole. My 1st husband pulled a similar stunt by within a couple of years of being married, cheated on me with a long term female friend of his, left me and is now married to her. Current husband knows all of this but claims to struggle to see the parallels

MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay · 29/08/2024 00:39

His behaviour to you doesn't show much respect or love. He's not taking any responsibility for his behaviour or showing any understanding of how you feel. What's the point?

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 07:40

That’s how l feel as well @MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay He goes on about it being a one off but doesn’t seem to realise it’s the whole chain of events l am unhappy about. Last night he said he was sick of talking about it. He suggested he video record his explanation about it all so l can re-watch it if l want to. This came across as condescending and dismisssive to me

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Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 08:26

Oh the reason l mentioned about his friends, is last nights row was me saying l don’t want to go to BBQ they are having this weekend -these are the friends who had suspicions about my husband. That’s me being “spiteful” apparently. I hardly as l banned him from going, l just said l didn’t want to go

At each turn it feels like he doesn’t feel that sorry and he hasn’t done the right thing. For example he didn’t end contact with her after what happened or after he told me. They continued having their cosy little chats. With much fanfare he eventually ended up telling her l knew, he didn’t wish to hear from her and then blocked her apparently. Acting like he was doing me a favour, when he should have just done it anyway. Why do l need to spell out it’s inappropriate and anyone in my shoes wouldn’t be happy with it

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Jk987 · 29/08/2024 08:35

Did he cheat on your wedding night? That's surely unforgivable! Can you get away for a few days with or without the children? You need some space to think this through. To decide if there's any hope for the relationship. The practical and financial side of splitting up. Can you prioritise getting away and talking it through with friends and family?

researchers3 · 29/08/2024 08:39

Definitely calls for patio.

Sorry op. I hope you're OK.

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 08:42

Jk987 · 29/08/2024 08:35

Did he cheat on your wedding night? That's surely unforgivable! Can you get away for a few days with or without the children? You need some space to think this through. To decide if there's any hope for the relationship. The practical and financial side of splitting up. Can you prioritise getting away and talking it through with friends and family?

It was before the wedding @Jk987 , not on the actual night (well, that’s what he told me). I don’t see the point as l am not able to get past this. The whole wedding was cheapened and tainted by the whole thing. I took a pair of scissors to my wedding dress during a row about it all and not even sure where the wedding pictures are. I never would have married him if l had known

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fourelementary · 29/08/2024 08:43

I’m not sure when he cheated with her? I get she came to your wedding but assuming he cheated before that as a “once off”… so she was a friend and others had their suspicions (they were clearly flirty with each other) and ended up shagging but stayed friends. Until you found out? So where in the 8 years together did they shag?

At the end of the day you don’t have to justify yourself if your boundary has been crossed it’s fine to walk away. However it is also fine to decide to work on a long term relationship if it has been one incident. What is not okay though is having a toxic cycle of arguments and insults due to not being able to work through it safely- so I would urge you to seek couple counselling which can help you both communicate more effectively eg you feel hurt and dismissed when he says he can record himself explaining… but from his pov he is saying the same thing and it changes nothing for him so it’s almost a sensible suggestion- rationally. But the emotional impact he has totally missed. A counsellor can help you both to see from each others pov and help you hear each other properly. Good luck.

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2024 08:43

It’s time to move on, he isn’t sorry and is over having to pretend to be.

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 08:46

researchers3 · 29/08/2024 08:39

Definitely calls for patio.

Sorry op. I hope you're OK.

Thanks. Feel free to help!

I don’t see why l need to have my circumstances changed by other people’s shitty behaviour but there you go. I even went back to work early after maternity as we weren’t getting on after the revelation and it seemed the smartest thing to do under the circumstances. Like a lot of people we wouldn’t be able to afford 2 houses. So we will both need to move into flats, deeply annoying as l was on the housing ladder way before l met him

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CeruleanBelt · 29/08/2024 08:46

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 07:40

That’s how l feel as well @MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay He goes on about it being a one off but doesn’t seem to realise it’s the whole chain of events l am unhappy about. Last night he said he was sick of talking about it. He suggested he video record his explanation about it all so l can re-watch it if l want to. This came across as condescending and dismisssive to me

He cheated on you with this woman, invited her to your wedding and arranged for her to meet your new born baby ... Knowing he's shagged her behind your back all that time ...And THIS is his response?

He doesn't care about your feelings at all. I could never forgive this.

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 08:55

fourelementary · 29/08/2024 08:43

I’m not sure when he cheated with her? I get she came to your wedding but assuming he cheated before that as a “once off”… so she was a friend and others had their suspicions (they were clearly flirty with each other) and ended up shagging but stayed friends. Until you found out? So where in the 8 years together did they shag?

At the end of the day you don’t have to justify yourself if your boundary has been crossed it’s fine to walk away. However it is also fine to decide to work on a long term relationship if it has been one incident. What is not okay though is having a toxic cycle of arguments and insults due to not being able to work through it safely- so I would urge you to seek couple counselling which can help you both communicate more effectively eg you feel hurt and dismissed when he says he can record himself explaining… but from his pov he is saying the same thing and it changes nothing for him so it’s almost a sensible suggestion- rationally. But the emotional impact he has totally missed. A counsellor can help you both to see from each others pov and help you hear each other properly. Good luck.

Happened during year 4 or 5 apparently

It’s not just a one off incident it’s a whole chain of events in my mind. He might be bored of talking about it but it all still happened. Imagine if he had done something seriously wrong at work, there would be an investigation which he would need to engage in. He couldn’t just say he was sick of talking about it and just refer people back to his original statement. Well, l suppose it could but he would go against him and there would be repercussions of doing that

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Nicebloomers · 29/08/2024 08:57

He sounds awful and completely unrepentant. Your whole life with him has been built on his lies and you’ve been making decisions and compromises based on a reality that didn’t exist. That’s got to be really unnerving and he’s being purposefully obtuse trying to minimise his bad behaviour and also your feelings on the matter. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a spade btw

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 08:58

CeruleanBelt · 29/08/2024 08:46

He cheated on you with this woman, invited her to your wedding and arranged for her to meet your new born baby ... Knowing he's shagged her behind your back all that time ...And THIS is his response?

He doesn't care about your feelings at all. I could never forgive this.

Show quote history

Yeah, that’s how l feel. My feelings are like an annoying inconvenience to him. l am allowed to be angry and upset but l need to keep on reminding him about that

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Wallywobbles · 29/08/2024 09:07

There's no going on with this in my view. You'll constantly be trying to make sense of past events and behavior in view of new knowledge. If the knowledge is dripping fed out it's even worse and takes longer to get over.

In your shoes I'd put a divorce into progress and I wouldn't tell him a thing about it until the papers were served. Find out how to limit him getting too much of your hard earned housing.

Lillygolightly · 29/08/2024 09:21

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with such shitty behaviour! I am a very forgiving person but I think even I would struggle to forgive this whole charade! Significant precious life events that should be wonderful memories for you have been marred by this, your wedding, your newborn, your maternity leave!! That is something I think I would be angry about until the end of time!

How long has it been since he told you? From your post it sounds like you have been struggling with this for a while.

It’s not that he doesn’t see the parallels, he absolutely does, he just can’t admit to them because that’s admitting what a villain he really is in this story! He’s too busy at the moment of painting himself as the misdirected hapless nice guy, who accidentally stuck his dick in this female friend and saying oops sorry, like he just trod on your toe! This is a huge slap in the face, to tell you because he apparently felt guilty and wanted to be honest but then to lack the required remorse and repentance to go along with his revelation is absolutely galling and quite frankly makes me wonder why he bothered to tell you at all!!! If anything it makes me more suspicious at to his reasons for telling you, I think this so called female friend or another friend in the circle was going to speak up about it. I think he was just worried about you hearing it from someone or somewhere else, and if that happened then he wouldn’t be able to control the narrative, so he’s had to get it there and tell you first so he can give you all his shitty excuses and vague explanations!

The fact he’s wanting you to shut up and sweep this all under the rug and pretend it never happened and carry on with his friends speaks volumes as to the lack of love, care and respect he has for you. As does the fact that he didn’t completely cut off and block this female friend immediately!! I can’t believe he continued to talk to her, blocking her was an afterthought as were your feelings on the matter. I would have absolutely no trust that she would stay blocked either given his behaviour and what had happened.

I don’t think I could stand this OP, I mean it’s one thing to have made a mistake, it’s another thing to have lied to you repeatedly, and then the lack of remorse and his actions since is just on a whole other level. I would filing for divorce. I’m so very sorry 💐

Loubelou71 · 29/08/2024 09:30

I think there will be a point where you either have to accept the past and move forward or make a decision to start again. Ruminating about it isn't helping you or him so you need to decide what you want. Sounds like a better acknowledgement and apology from him but long term you're going to have to accept it happened or move on

MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay · 29/08/2024 10:18

Nah, he needs to be bending over backwards to make it up to you and not make you feel like you're being difficult. This relationship is never going to get better unfortunately. I'd cut your losses. Take care of yourself (he's not going to) you deserve so much more

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 12:35

Lillygolightly · 29/08/2024 09:21

Oh my goodness I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with such shitty behaviour! I am a very forgiving person but I think even I would struggle to forgive this whole charade! Significant precious life events that should be wonderful memories for you have been marred by this, your wedding, your newborn, your maternity leave!! That is something I think I would be angry about until the end of time!

How long has it been since he told you? From your post it sounds like you have been struggling with this for a while.

It’s not that he doesn’t see the parallels, he absolutely does, he just can’t admit to them because that’s admitting what a villain he really is in this story! He’s too busy at the moment of painting himself as the misdirected hapless nice guy, who accidentally stuck his dick in this female friend and saying oops sorry, like he just trod on your toe! This is a huge slap in the face, to tell you because he apparently felt guilty and wanted to be honest but then to lack the required remorse and repentance to go along with his revelation is absolutely galling and quite frankly makes me wonder why he bothered to tell you at all!!! If anything it makes me more suspicious at to his reasons for telling you, I think this so called female friend or another friend in the circle was going to speak up about it. I think he was just worried about you hearing it from someone or somewhere else, and if that happened then he wouldn’t be able to control the narrative, so he’s had to get it there and tell you first so he can give you all his shitty excuses and vague explanations!

The fact he’s wanting you to shut up and sweep this all under the rug and pretend it never happened and carry on with his friends speaks volumes as to the lack of love, care and respect he has for you. As does the fact that he didn’t completely cut off and block this female friend immediately!! I can’t believe he continued to talk to her, blocking her was an afterthought as were your feelings on the matter. I would have absolutely no trust that she would stay blocked either given his behaviour and what had happened.

I don’t think I could stand this OP, I mean it’s one thing to have made a mistake, it’s another thing to have lied to you repeatedly, and then the lack of remorse and his actions since is just on a whole other level. I would filing for divorce. I’m so very sorry 💐

I’ve known for less than a year. Haven’t had my wedding or engagement rings on for 99% of that time, as we haven’t been getting on and l still view the marriage as one big mistake. The BBQ thing brought the argument out yesterday. Not helped by a colleague’s pregnancy announcement very shortly after getting married. I mentally thought lucky her won’t have wedding humiliation and a horrible maternity leave

Funnily enough l did wonder why tell me at that point. There is something that doesn’t true isn’t there?

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Stresshead84x · 29/08/2024 12:38

I think the unforgivable thing for me would be inviting her to meet your child.

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 13:07

@Lillygolightly sorry the phone rang and l pressed. Yeah the down playing of it all is very aggravating to me, it’s like he stood on my toe or he ordered me the wrong Chinese takeaway main

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MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 13:09

Stresshead84x · 29/08/2024 12:38

I think the unforgivable thing for me would be inviting her to meet your child.

Yeah, it’s one of the questions he can’t answer. I also want to know why he invited her to the wedding and why she attended. Like one of my friends said -it says a lot about her that she went to the wedding and nearly did the baby meeting thing.

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BlastedPimples · 29/08/2024 13:27

He just can't be arsed dealing with the fallout of his foul behaviour. And it is really vile.

Little wonder you're not able to move on.

What do you want to do, op?

Do you want to end it? You'd be free of all the bullshit he's burdening you with.

SleepPrettyDarling · 29/08/2024 13:31

He wants to shut you down and it’s eating you up alive. I think for your own self-preservation you should acknowledge your very valid feelings and make the decision that gives you the happiest future life, even though it will be hard 💐

WhichEllie · 29/08/2024 13:34

I am always in favour of a nice new patio in situations such as this.

He’s clearly not the slightest bit repentant, is he? What a worthless man. Sorry, OP. 💐

Original poster

MrRobinsonsQuango · 29/08/2024 14:32

SleepPrettyDarling · 29/08/2024 13:31

He wants to shut you down and it’s eating you up alive. I think for your own self-preservation you should acknowledge your very valid feelings and make the decision that gives you the happiest future life, even though it will be hard 💐

Yep. Last night he wouldn’t properly talk to me, today he won’t. The message l get is l need to be “less angry” and then we are allowed to talk. I’m allowed to be angry as the last few years of my life have been a mockery. It’s hardly as if lm punching walls or putting him in a head lock. He moans l am hostile by which l think he means he wants me to not question it all, want answers and to instead move on from it all

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