Speak to me after your period’s come

[Crunchycrabclaws]

DH and I have been going to couples therapy for 8 months.
There have been some good bits of progress with our communication but still we can default to our unpleasant arguing style, despite being taught new methods.

Our usual argument is me telling him I feel as though I’m doing everything housework wise (because I am) and him denying this.
He literally gaslights me saying that he does make the beds, clean the bathroom and organise/ tidy our DD’s toys and clothes. He doesn’t. I do.

Tonight I said calmly that I felt frustrated that he always just dumps all of the mess on the spare bed and this makes me feel as though he values his time more than mine. He just responded by telling me that it was all my stuff I told him it wasn’t, it was our daughter’s bits and bobs she uses for doing art, he just said yeah so it’s not mine then.

He then accused me of ‘ranting’ at him and told me to tell him when I get my period and then we could talk.

I hate that he lies and says he does make beds etc when he actually really never does. When I tell him his lies frustrate me and make me feel disrespected, he didn’t give a shit.

I feel so cross with him.

I mean this kindly, but why are you bothering?

He clearly has no respect for you, is this the relationship model you want your daughter to see?

Don’t bother and just file for divorce

This sounds miserable. Has he always been like this?

You can’t force someone to change or acknowledge that there is a problem if they don’t see it.

He doesn’t appear to care or respect you, so I would call it a day.

At this point, what is left of your marriage to fight for?

He actually sounds like an arsehole.

how much parenting does he do alone?

how much cooking does he do?

So often on MN the first post nails is.

Sorry but I wouldn’t go through all the pissing about and expense of couples therapy with someone who thought I was just a silly little woman governed by my hormones.

This.

8 months and what's changed?

I can’t leave him because I refuse to uproot DD’s life. I just need to find a way of not being so angry when the load is getting to to me.
Part of me wonders whether he is purposely not lifting a finger to get me worn down enough to leave as he’s definitely not going to initiate that himself.
In therapy he makes all the right noises and pretends to listen to me when I talk about the mental torture I experience with PMT saying that he’ll Just take DD out, help keep the house in order, treat it as though I have a cold and care for me. He has seen that my period is due on Sunday on the calendar and used it to minimise my feelings and gaslight me.

Im so sick of this version of him. He does have it in him to be an adult and use some of the methods we’ve been taught in therapy but tonight it was the cruel, super calm gaslighting version and he won because I ended up getting really angry and telling him that I didn’t want to waste my money on therapy anymore if her wasn’t going to engage with the process outside of our sessions.

I know this isn't a solution to the core problem(s) but can you simply stop doing the things he claims to do so that when they're not done it's clearly his responsibility?

Part of me wonders whether he is purposely not lifting a finger to get me worn down enough to leave as he’s definitely not going to initiate that himself. Could be, especially if he's a conflict-avoidant type and/or he's really worried about other people's opinions (e.g., wanting to be able to tell your daughter, friends, and extended family that you left him and he's the victim). It's probably more likely that he just wants to do the bare minimum because he knows that you'll what he doesn't rather than live in a messy or dirty house or upset your daughter, and he knows you'll ultimately put up with his shirking rather than disrupt the family unit. Right now, it's less hassle for him to deal with the therapy and your criticism than to do his share of the work.

Have you raised this issue of his lying and not following through in the actual therapy sessions, with examples? I'd raise the period thing with the therapist too and see if they can help you set and enforce ground rules like "no misogyny" in your communication with each other.

Can you bring this issue into counselling and hopefully the counsellor will challenge him.
So he says l do housework
She/He says..oh tell me exactly what you do
He lists stuff
You say he actually doesn't do this
Counsellor challenges him ..DO YOU ACTUALLY DO THIS?
I presume you both bring feedback from the week back in. So don't waste energy at home. Keep it in mind or keep a notebook and bring it back into the session. It's her job to see through his lying and confront him to tell the truth. If none of this changes him he is never going to change.

He knows what he's doing op, especially if he's making the right noises in therapy but doing the opposite at home.

If he telling you he's doing the washing etc then leave his for him to do. Personally I'd pull back on doing much for him and let him do it. If he's chucking stuff in the spare bed then leave it there. Shut the door and forget it.

I'd also be rethinking my relationship. You say you don't want to uproot your dd, but is it better you stay for her? You are teaching her what a relationship looks like. She'll grow up thinking those types of disagreements are normal, and that the woman does the donkey work. Is that what you want to teach her?

You do need to leave him.

Yes DD will be uprooted and things will change. But also YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

you're allowed to be happy.

Also, can you try not doing all the things he claims he does. So never make the bed or tidy the toys or whatever.

Then make comments and ask why it hasn't been done as "he does this"..

By 'refusing to uproot' your DD's life, you're modelling a shit relationship to her which is what she will aspire to find as an adult.

Grow a pair and go it alone to show her that a shit partner is not superior to no partner.

This isn’t going to get better OP.

Of course it’s absolutely deliberate on his part.

What does he actually bring to your life?

Is this how you want your daughter to grow up? Do get her away from this loser of a man and let her see a happy and relaxed mother who isn’t on edge and unhappy all the time. Imagine feeling like yourself again.

Is he right about the timing?

I know I'm unreasonable when my period's due. They things are irritants, but not the big deal I can make them then

I’d rather model a shit relationship than be using food banks and limiting her future opportunities. Trust me, literally nothing anyone says on this thread will convince me to leave.

Leaving unhappy marriages when you can tolerate the bad bits is a luxury of the privileged. I do not fall in to this category.

Yes, I note down on the calendar the 10 days of hell where my hormones make my already heavily loaded life even harder in the notion that DH would be empathetic to the difficulties I experience, for example I need space to do housework without everyone getting under my feet. I need to rest more. He told me in a therapy session that he would be more than happy to treat this time as though I had a cold and take our daughter out of my way.

Instead, he has done the opposite and thrown the fact that I have pmt in my face at the first request for help with the housework. He’s using the pmt to shut me down as he does with all of my emotions because unless I’m a happy, benign presence around the house, smiling and cleaning and cleaning and tidying and smiling then I deserve to be reduced to ranting hormonal banshee in his narrative, which I wouldn’t become if he responded to me with any ounce of compassion, empathy or at the very least, in an adult way.

If you’re not going to leave then I’m afraid I have no sympathy. It’s just a case of put up and shut up. We all have choices.

Then accept that this is your life. Nobody can offer you any advice if you’re willing to settle for a husband that clearly has no respect for you and won’t ever change. I mean, why would he? Whatever he does won’t make you leave.

You can’t change people. This is who he is. You’ll just have to suck it up.

Good luck!

Then stop expecting stuff from him. Only gets you frustrated. Why doesn't he clean? Does he hate it and not care? Leave the mess the mess. Chill. An ex refused to work and refused to clean. He just played video games. So I put him on bread w cheese for dinner since I'm not a millionair. I ate that too. Only the kids got normal food. Within 2 weeks he got hungry and got a job. He didn't do his own laundry even. He did nothing. So I just let his laundry pile up until he had nothing left and asked me how the washing machine worked.

Have you tried not doing the chores he says he does? He can hardly falsely claim to have done them, if they're not done.

You think teaching her it's ok to be gaslit and undermined by her partner isn't going to limit her opportunities? A few months of maybe relying on food banks is nothing compared to the potential damage abusive relationships can do. Have a word with yourself. Leave.

If leaving is not an option for you, you will just have to put up with it. I don’t know what else you can do. He is not going to change because he is demonstrating to you all the time that he doesn’t respect you.

This will wear you down and you will be miserable and your DD will have a sad mum and think that’s how relationships are.

I’d rather model a shit relationship than be using food banks and limiting her future opportunities. Trust me, literally nothing anyone says on this thread will convince me to leave.

This is really sad, all her future opportunities are entirely tied up in the relationships she forms, her self esteem and her ability to take opportunities that present themselves, as are yours. If you mean extra curricular opportunities etc, he's still her father.

I've got decades of single parenting behind me and never had to use a food bank I don't understand why you think it's inevitable?

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

So what is left? You stay and stop complaining. Or you leave.

If you stay, you have to stop complaining, because YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.

The only thing you can change is how you respond.

You are setting yourself (and most probably your daughter's life too) up for a miserable existence.

You can change your financial status eventually, if you leave, but in 20 years' time, still stuck in the same relationship with a couple more kids, you will be so worn down, you won't have the strength to leave.